A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question for all the people who are either in a serious relationship, or married. Is it normal to NEVER have sexual fantasies about your partner?The reason I ask is because while I am attracted to my husband, I find myself fantasizing about other men I find attractive rather than about him. Is it wrong for me to do this? I wouldn't feel so guilty if I thought of him at least sometimes. But I never do when I'm alone. Is anyone else like this, and do you ever feel guilty over it? Do you ever feel like you're not worthy of your partner because of it? I certainly don't feel I'm good enough for him, because he deserves a woman who spends more time thinking about him than other men. He's such a wonderful man in every way. I've also asked him before if he ever thinks of other women. I was hoping he'd say he does, that way I wouldn't have to feel bad about thinking of other men. Instead, he said he can't remember the last time he fantasized about another woman. He thinks it's been since before we were married, which was over 3 years ago. Of course this made me feel even worse. What does all my fantasizing about other men mean? Does it mean I got married too young? (I got married when I was barely 21, and I'm 24 now.) And before my husband, I was in a relationship with a guy from my high school for nearly 4 years. Do you think that maybe deep down, I feel I "missed out" on a lot of sexual opportunities because I dated and got married so young? If this is the case, what should I do? Should I stay married and hope this gets better, or should I let him go so he can find a woman who deserves him? I even sometimes fantasize about other men when he and I are intimate! So terrible. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
 You not fantasizing about your partner does not make you UNWORTHY of him.
I have to be honest in that I do fantasize about my partner but not about the things we do… rather about things I would like to happen that don’t and won’t. So it’s not like I’m thinking of him as he is but rather as I would like him to be. Is that so different?
In addition, I can’t imagine a man not thinking “I’m dammed if I do and I’m dammed if I don’t” when admitting to thinking of others during private time… I know if my husband asked me if I thought about him I would lie like a bad rug and say yes…
I don’t think what you choose to fantasize about privately has any bearing on how happy your marriage is…
I think what will hurt your marriage more is your belief that your husband deserves BETTER than you…
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): As for NEVER? It doesn't sound great.
Fantasies themselves? Everyone does it and no-one thinks it's a great idea to admit it. Face it, if we're honest we all HATE the idea of our partner having a hot, hard, filthy fantasy over someone else. The thought hurts a little if you let yourself reflect on it too much. But we know we'd be hypocrites to judge them for it or think it's wrong because...well, how many of us can honestly say we don't do it too?
You say: 'My guess is if I were to actually try the promiscuous lifestyle, it wouldn't be as wonderful as I imagined', which suggests that you're not seriously thinking about testing the waters elsewhere. Only you know whether you're confident that you'll be OK with keeping it that way and happy to be exclusive and monogamous with your husband, loving him, leaving the other stuff in a delicious little box called 'fantasy' that isn't doing either you or him any harm. Can you stay satisfied with that for the rest of your life and not feel too bothered you 'missed out' a little in your single days? If you're fine with that, then you're a good partner and definitely shouldn't beat yourself up about it.
Also, I'd advise against telling him too much about this stuff, it might do more harm than good and won't do his male ego any favours.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (14 March 2013):
Op I think you are over analysing here and need to refocus your attention a bit. I think it's totally normal to imagine other people in sexual fantasy. It's the unknown bit that we make up that is exciting. Our partners don't usually fit the role because we know them so well. Sometimes I get turned on thinking of some exciting times with my wife but I think 90% of the time thinking about undressing a pretty coworker wins out. Like your husband I would never admit this and I think you have nothing to gain in telling him anything either. It sounds more like you are feeding a self confidence weakness which you should stop. Realise you are good enough for him, and you do deserve his love and affection.. Yes, you could have had a lot more experiences before getting married, but they would have probably been more bad than good so realize you haven't missed anything important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Hey, I'm the poster of the question, and I just want to thank all of you for your replies. Pr3tty in Pink: I see what your saying about not wasting your sexuality on someone who doesn't fantasize about you. I'm wondering now based on your statement, should I tell my husband I don't think of him, and leave it up to him whether he still wants to be with me? Honeypie: I guess it's not normal for me, but I wish it was. It's not like I don't find him attractive, so I don't understand why I prefer to think of other men. Female anon: I'm worried you're right about my not being sexually attracted to him. I really like the way he looks, but for some reason I just don't get aroused from thinking about him. What's weird is, one of the men I prefer to think about is not as attractive as him. Makayla5893: I don't think it's worth ending my otherwise good marriage over, either. Yet I can't help but feel he deserves better.PerhapsNot: Yes, I do feel like I missed out from getting married too young. So from that standpoint, this is probably just a classic case of "the grass is greener" syndrome. I hope that's all it is, but I don't know for sure. My guess is if I were to actually try the promiscuous lifestyle, it wouldn't be as wonderful as I imagined. Dear Mandy: I think he might be lying too, since what he said sounded unrealistic. At the same time, though, it doesn't make sense for him to lie since he knows I would be okay with it. I'm not really jealous of other women. I used to be, but I'm over that and he knows it. I would actually feel BETTER if he did, because then I wouldn't feel so guilty.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (13 March 2013):
I will be honest, I don't think it's normal to never think of your partner. It seems to me like you're in it for the security and you don't see him as a sexual being. My ex boyfriend never fantasized about me when I wasn't there, and this was at the beginning. I found that odd and had to dump him. I wouldn't want to waste my sexuality on someone like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2013):
 I can't say what's "normal" when it comes to fantasies. But in 15 years of marriage my husband have definitely been in many of my fantasies. But he is not the ONLY person in those, quite often he isn't. So for ME it is NORMAL to "cast" him on occasion, maybe it isn't for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I think you know deep down that you regret marrying him. He is a nice guy and you can't pinpoint anything "wrong " with him therefore you cant justify not marrying him or leaving him. But I think you're just not sexually attracted to him. He has become like a comfortable family member like a brother or roommate.
I would advise you to leave him since your marriage is supposed to he your one and only sexual relationship it's not like you can make up for a deficit in this area with other outlets (not ethically at least) . Love is both a choice and a feeling. You can choose to be loving to someone but you cannot use will power to create emotions towards them. I think he would be very unhappy in the future when your lack of attraction to him becomes more obvious and longstanding.
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A
female
reader, Makayla5893  +, writes (13 March 2013):
Every person has fantasies! It doesn't mean you love your partner any less. Everyone would like to think that they are the only one their partner fantasizes about, but it's not realistic. I have been with my partner for 2 years and I always think of other men. It's human nature. We both pretend we don't watch porn, but I find it on his computer all the time, and I watch it myself too. Pretty silly! Like the other writer said, your husband probably fantasizes about other women too and just doesn't want to hurt your feelings. It's definitely not worth ending a marriage over!
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Sure it's all a fantasy and people fantasize about other people, but to NEVER fantasize about your spouse? As in NEVER EVER? Yes, that to me is not normal. The only exception I can think of is if your partner is extremely unattractive. "Should I stay married and hope this gets better, or should I let him go so he can find a woman who deserves him?" This is a completely different ball game all together. Are you sure this is about you not having sexy thoughts about your husband, or is this really about feeling like you have missed out on life because you married young? I'm not sure how you can go from feeling guilty about fantasizing about other people to wondering if you should leave your husband. Do you love this man? Do you want to stay married to him?
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (12 March 2013):
 HI
It is perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you, and I am pretty sure your husband does but don't want to hurt your feelings as its a bit of a loaded question to ask lol.
I don't know anyone who fantasizes about there own partner it wouldn't be a fantasy otherwise as your already with him ...... give yourself a break and enjoy it for what it is A FANTASY.....blimey the amount of times I would close my eyes and think about numerous idols i.e dwaine johnson, jean claude van dame, david bowie lol and I know my ex husband used to fantasize about kylie manogue all the time hahaha, but he would never tell me to my face because he never wanted me to feel hurt by it. so your fine, your normal we all do it :D
Mandy x
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