A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to be writing this but I would be extremely grateful for some advice. I'm really confused about my body and what could be wrong with me, because of weird ability or inability to orgasm (please read on).well, believe it or not, I've never had intercourse (surprising considering that we Europeans have something of a reputation, I'm afraid)... sex, with penetration. Never had a guy inside me. But, I've done just about everything else sexually. I have had orgasms a million times through masturbation.But I am really concerned about my body's quirks:I have noticed that I can only bring myself to orgasm with ONE of my hands, my left hand. For some reason, I have more speed and coordination in my left hand, but whatever, I've tried with my right hand with no results. Something is really, REALLY upsetting me.. a few weeks ago, a partner tried to stimulate me to orgasm and he couldn't seem to achieve it. I can do it to myself, so why is it difficult for a partner to do it? Like I said, we've never had intercourse but if I ever DO have intercourse, he's the one I want my first time (and hopefully all the following times) to be with. I have heard that if your partner can't stimulate you to orgasm, that you're with the wrong person, but I KNOW that's wrong. All I'm going to say is that I really care about him with my whole heart, and that both of us are religious and believe that intercourse is something to be saved for the right moment and the right person. Every day, though, I am becoming more certain that if I ever have sex, he's the one I want to give my virginity to. Lots of guys wanted to take it, but he is the only one who deserves it. I'm really upset because I care about him so much and I think he feels bad and I'm afraid I've ruined my chances of anything serious and upset at my body for betraying me. I feel so overcome with guilt for sharing this online but I feel like I'm going to burst because this is causing me so much anguish. What's wrong with me? Ok, the thing about being able to achieve orgasm with only one hand I just chalked up to my body's quirks, but is it normal? And I KNOW I can have orgasms, I have done it many times, but WHY did my body betray me when my partner tried? Is there something wrong with me, and can anything be done? This is making me a wreck emotionally. I really care about him, I want him to be the first (and hopefully only) person I ever make love with, I am afraid this is going to ruin everything. I feel guilty about writing this because I want to keep it private but I'm about to burst because I'm so full of anguish.I'm sorry that I've written such a long post, thanks if you can help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Hey guys,Thanks for your advice. BTW Chalice, I am really sorry to hear about your history of abuse... that is terrible.All the orgasms I've had in my life are clitoral... I had my first when I was 15, but I didn't use my hands... I used (ok, now you're heard everything) the water from the shower head. I'm not sure why, but I can only stimulate that part of me with my left hand... it just feels awkward and uncomfortable with my right hand. I just wanted to say thanks because I feel like a load has been lifted by my shoulders... a load of ''what ifs...'' I realize that I need to communicate with him about these things.Neither one of us has had intercourse and I hope he is my first, when then time comes. Slot A hasn't got into Slot B, I really want my first experience with intercourse to be with him but I am not ready yet. I'm a little concerned because for the past few weeks I haven't been able to have an orgasm at all, even through masturbation, I hope it isn't possible to lose your ability to orgasm. i do feel loads better, though, and I will try these ideas... soon, I hope :)
A
female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 A lot of men end up with this same this. After years of masturbation, sex is a completely different feeling that takes adjustment too before an orgasm can happen. If you have been masturbating a certain way for the past decade or two it is just going to take time for either your boyfriend to learn what you like or your body to learn other ways it can enjoy an orgasm. I would start by actually trying to use your right hand or a vibrator or something else to explore other ways on your own. You won't come as fast, and you probably won't come the first couple of times, but you have to be persistent. If he really cares about you this will not be an issue. I think with some practice you will be surprised what your body likes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): You are not unusual. Good sex needs building trust and practice. You obviously built that through a decade of masturbating. You can't expect someone new to have that much experience of what you need.You are expecting way too much for your first sexual experience. After their first time most people are amazed they even got Tab A into Slot B, and a percentage of couples don't get that far. If you expect far too much then you suck the fun out of it, and it becomes a relationship-destroying thing rather than a relationship-building thing.The ability to orgasm varies a lot in women. It isn't at all unusual to have a quirk or two, and it isn't at all unusual for this to change, even during sex (eg, what gets you started may not finish you off). Part of the joy of sex is the discovery of each other's peculiarities.So treat sex like a discovery of each other. Explore him, let him explore you, talk honestly about what works. If you need a particular left handed quirk, then accept that and then have fun with it. For example, does it work if you hold his fingers under yours? How about your finger and his tongue? How about your finger whilst he is inside you (lot's of women like the doggy style position because it let's them touch themselves during sex). You can see from these questions just how unreasonable it is to expect you and him to know the answers to what works for the both of you the first time around.Most importantly, treat sex like a way of building your relationship. It is far more important to have fun than to tick boxes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): You need to calm down and relax. It sounds like its more of an internal, mind issue. Sometimes its hard to 100% give our trust and love to someone else.Also too much focus and attention on it to 'happen' can actually take away from the moment.I wouldn't be so overly focused/worried about forcing it to happen. Let your body get there. I was the same way. I didn't have an orgasm until I was 24 and it was with my second husband AND it was while I was discovering my sexuality with him so; really I had to let down my emotional walls, my mental walls as well. Put no real expectations on the experiences and voila - it happened.It could take time and let the trust; the moment flow.I have a history of sexual abuse/incest/rape so that played a HUGE part in all of it as well.We need to be honest with ourselves, our bodies, and in a way 'submit' that last vesitage of ourselves to that special someone we love and trust.The guilt and shame you say you feel, indicates you might have past sexual hang up/trauma. Either way, its actually more of an occurance for women to not have an orgasm unless its clitoral.Maybe next time help out the BF and do it manually while he is busy doing other things. ;)
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