A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am wondering. Is it normal to distance yourself from a person who is hurting you too much? Causing you pain or stress? Almost like you need the pain and stress to stop so you emotionally withdraw from them?Does this happen all of a sudden or over a period of time?Almost like you are becoming numb to them?I am wondering if this has happened to anyone else?Almost like you care about them a lot but they are causing you too much pain (for whatever reason) and you slowly let them go so that they can no longer cause you pain?Is this a way of protecting yourself?I wonder whether it is conscious or sub conscious?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 April 2015):
 Why wouldn't you distance yourself from someone in that vague description you offer?
What sort of pain or stress or hurt is this particular person inflicting on you?
Wouldn't it make sense to get away from an abuser?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 April 2015):
 Ir is difficult to respond a question posed in such vague, general terms, without any context or background.
I think there's no one size fits all here, a lot would depend from individual personalities, past experiences and present circumstances.
All I can say is that yes, I think it's normal, at least it SHOULD be for anybody with a little healthy self preservation instinct. It seems an excellent idea letting go of what causes you pain, doesn't it ? We get so many letters from people who say : "He / she cheats on me, lies to me, abuses me, disrespects me, etc... what can I do". "Uhm, what can you do- er, like dump them ? Today ? " " Oh no. I love him / her ".Then- learn to love what's GOOD for you, instead !.
Unconditional love can't be unconditional at the expenses of your mental sanity , physical wellbeing and human dignity- if those things are being constantly eroded and threatened, I think it is human and normal that , litle by little, OR, all of a sudden in a big AHA moment, feelings get " consumed " , love sort of shrinks, detachment kicks in , and - people gets sick and tired of being mistreated.
I think it happens more often gradually, in installments. Some times it takes a lot of courage to just pull the plug and give up something that clearly is not working out and instead is causing us pain, because we have built too many mental attachments around it : past history, fear of the future, etc.
But hopefully , at some point, a little healthy voice from within says :" hey what about ME ? Do I want to keep taking all this pain, do I feel the same about someone who is inflicting it to me ?... Uhm, no. Not really."
Poet Catullus, ( apparently Ancient Romans too were already emotionally / sexually codependent ) said it in a beautiful ( beautiful in Latin ) verse :.....( Anything she does )... "makes me want her more and more, and love her less and less".
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A
male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (28 April 2015):
 Yes, OP, it is often a perfectly valid and normal way of dealing with a person who causes you stress and repeated confusion and pain. Some would argue that once you've exhausted all the options at dealing with the problems that create the stress and pain that it is the only way you'll ever manage to escape those feelings.
It's hard to offer specific advice without knowing what the actual problem is. Whether conscious or subconscious, wanting to put space - whether temporary or permanent - between yourself and a person is a thing that people have done from the dawn of time to protect themselves, to protect those in the blast radius of the relationship (family, friends, colleagues) and even to help the person being distanced.
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