A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently learned that the guy im dating is a narcissist. We've been through at least 3 cycles of devalue/discard and a recent cycle of re-idealization. He's giving me the silent treatment right now, will he ever return my calls or come around again? I know that this is an abusive relationship that I must end for my own health and sanity, however, cold turkey is not working, I need to detach slowly. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 You don't want him back, you just want the idealization part of the cycle but not what follows after. True, there are people, if rarely die of broken heart syndrome. Similar to alcoholics dying if they cut off alcohol cold turkey. The difference is that, there is danger that your boyfriend feels you are pulling away forever one day and would manipulate you by saying that he's a changed man, just to lure you back in again. He won't let you go and as much as an asshole he is, and how cold he is now, he depends on you as narcissistic supply. You know he's abusive and narcissistic but by going back to him you are giving him hope.
Your life is mainly scripted by your attitude. What you believe in, you create. If you keep saying again and again to yourself that you will survive it, then you will.
If you know that one day you will end it permanently, then the idealization would mean nothing as it has no point. The cycles get more destructive and the silent treatment is longer in between. This is not something you look forward to and it works worse than if you go cold turkey.
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (29 June 2016):
You talk of recently learning, I take it you have pieced this together with your therapist. This is a good start. I am hoping you are now working on the areas of why he is so appealing still, so that you can be fully informed as yo why you are remaining with him.
Ita hugely difficult to withdraw from a relationship such as you are in. The very best way is to end it yourself, as the rejection you currently feel is fairly crippling. I think this is because, along with the emotional dependency there is something that you are getting in regard to the return of his attention, and its deeper than just this man whom you describe as 'dating for a few months'
He will return. As honeypie says, three cycles, why not a forth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 June 2016):
 I'm sure he will contact you when he feels like controlling, manipulating and hurting you again - you said you guys have already been through 3 cycles like this, so why not a 4th?
However, I think the whole "I need to detach slowly" is BS. That is YOUR excuse to let him back in over and over. HE is not the only one "doing" this to you... YOU are too, by allowing it again and again.
THIS is who he is. There is no healthy long term future for you and him, and I think you know it, but right now you are still in the "if ONLY I love him enough everything will be good in the end".
You are not a naive or inexperienced woman, so I have to ask... WHY are you continuing to punish yourself for a man who clearly doesn't love you or have YOUR best interest at heart?
WHY not, go cold turkey? The opportunity is HERE. BLOCK him on everything, DELETE him on everything and maybe consider finding a therapist who can help you deal with this co-dependency issue you have. He is like heroin to you. BAD BAD BAD for you, but you keep doing it, it's part of the "addiction". So you need to find your "methadone fix" (aka substitute) and I think besides a therapist you need to get BUSY in your life, spend time with POSITIVE people, friends, family, volunteer, join a hiking club or a gym - KEEP busy.
HE will NOT change. That is why you have these cycles. He can only be "good BF" for so long till HE decides you need to be punished or mentally abused some more for HIS thrill.
You seem to have accepted that the relationship isn't good, he isn't good... so it stands to reason that you GET out now.
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