A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering if there's a bigger issue at hand or not. Had a wonderful dinner/movie with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and as we got out of the movie he checked his blackberry where he has facebook and it updates you when someone comments on a friends status. My boyfriend knows all about my past and that I cheated on an ex of mine back in the day (like 7 years ago). I'm a grown woman know, late 20's and my boyfriend is in his early 20's (4 years difference). He was furious when he saw the man I cheated on, write a short little comment, nothing serious at all, about my status on facebook about a political topic I was harping on. This guy also wrote me an email a year ago saying he heard a song I introduced him to in a movie he recently saw. So, when my current boyfriend got a little upset at seeing him comment on my facebook status, I got defensive and the fight escalated. A part of me is appalled that he would get upset over that and ask me to delete the comment. It makes me feel that he's insecure and not normal for letting that affect him and to ask me to delete OR ELSE there will be a bigger issue between us is kind of like controlling me. Therefore I don't want to delete it. He said he's mad because he asked me if that was the guy I 'cheated' with and I got defensive instead of saying, YIKES why did he write on my wall, let me delete it?! Am I in the fault here?? I can be pretty stubborn, but I think that's a little ridiculous to ruin a perfectly good night over...drop me home....then hang up on me when I said no, I won't delete it. Thanks for any insight you may have.
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facebook, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I am the person who wrote about my boyfriend sending the application to a girl on Facebook.I also forgot to add that this girl is someone he used to have a crush on, which makes it even more worrying. Ok it was quite a long time ago, but it makes me wonder why they addded each other in the first place, and why this flirting goes on. My question to the original poster of this topic, and anyone else who adds exes, past crushes,e.t.c, is why add them if you have moved on and are in another relationship ?!. It certainly makes me question your motives. In my opinion, the past should stay in the past, unless you're planning on getting back with them or something, and if you are, you should leave your current relationship. Even just being friends with them is bad news.It will make your current boyfriend/girlfriend very insecure.In my opinion though, i dont think being friends with them is possible.I think anyone who adds past crushes/exes still has some feelings for them.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Well I am glad that you were both able to calm down a little bit.
Yeah I know for some people it sounds really weird, but the whole social site thing sometimes really brings out the worst in people. Facebook as opposed to Myspace(from what I can tell from being on both) tends to be more "family and long distance friends" kind of place as opposed to Myspace, which I callously refer to as "Haters and Hookups".
But I think in some ways the same thing applies. People for whatever reason tend to live their lives their (Im not saying you, but you probably know someone who is there seemingly 24/7) and the problem with them is that it is very hard to get someone's intention through text alone. So when someone leaves a comment it's easy I guess to have it misconstrued and shaped however an offended party wants it to be to serve their own arguments.
Best of luck
GR
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Facebook sucks big time when it comes to breaking relationship. jus leave it for ur current BF as he loves to death. remember love without possessiveness and jealous is like empty bottle. girls just don't understand this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Thanks for the advice everyone. My boyfriend made the same point over the phone later that evening when we both calmed down. He said he was mad that I got defensive instead of reacting calmer, but my argument to him was that I WOULD have been calmer if he brought it up calmer too instead of putting the screen in my face and saying, "is that who I think it is trying to get in touch with you?!"
I can see how having a cheating past, even if it was only a one time thing can affect a current relationship. This guy that commented on my facebook status I haven't even seen since that time period and he lives in another country, but facebook can make things hit closer to home. My current boyfriend is still friends with all his exes, past relationships on facebook...but it doesn't bother me. Maybe b/c I'm older and more secure than he is with me. Especially since my b/f has never been the cheating type!
I probably shouldn't have ever brought up that I cheated on a b/f in college when I was 19/20, but a part of you wants to be honest on all levels and he's the first boyfriend let alone friend I ever told. It was a big secret I wanted to keep in the vault!
But thanks for breaking down the fact that he had a normal reaction for the most part and not completely out of the ball park reaction!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 October 2009):
It sounds a bit like he's over reacting. You didn't post anything, he did. Explain that to him and reassure him that you're not bothered about your ex. And read the post below about facebook.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 October 2009):
Well, being that he knows that you have cheated in the past, this will be in his mind especially if the guy you are in contact with is an ex.
Sadly, social sites like Facebook are RELATIONSHIP KILLERS! If there is anything wrong in any relationship, a social site will bring them out. They tend to breed unnecessary drama
Plus you have to be friends with someone on Facebook in order to have them comment you directly, am I right?
Look at it this way, can you blame your BF? I mean especially if you have a history of being a cheater?
As sad as it is, young lady, you get a reputation for being a cheater and it sticks with you through every relationship like flies on dung.
I'm stating a fact of life. And of course your defensive reaction naturally gave him just another reason to be leery of your online actions.
It certainly would make me wonder if you were my GF. Once again, I don't know you from Adam, but given your past and your reaction to this episode, I am afraid that he will begin to not trust you now.
Exes are Exes for a reason. And in lieu of your past, it would give any man pause to have their current GF communicating on a social site with an ex.
So do what you want, but my best advice is I am afraid that keeping in touch with an ex on any social site will eventually ruin your current relationship. Ive seen it happen many a time between Myspace and Facebook. What begins as an innocent contact ends up ruining a relationship or marriage. This site is littered with stories like this that usually turn out very bad.
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