A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend a while now, and we've never used protection whilst having sex. We did to start with, then on two occasions neither of us had any, so we decided to do it without. Now this has become a regular thing, and protection doesn't even get mentioned, we just go without. A couple of weeks back I had a few signs of pregnancy, missed period, tender breasts, stomach pains, nausea and tiredness. We did a home pregnancy test, and it came back negative. What confused me is that I was actually hoping for it to be positive, and when it came back negative, I was somewhat upset, and i'd noticed that my boyfriend seemed to feel the same after having a lot of discussions over what we would do etc. Surely this isn't normal for a girl of 17? Thinking back now, I realise how heavy the effect would have been on my life. I'm in sixth form, getting top grades, and looking to go on to University. But why is it that I still wish that test had come back positive?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Why do you want it to be positive? Maybe you want to have a baby to tie your boyfriend to you forever. Perhaps you are feeling the need to have something to take care of. Maybe your hormones outweigh your common sense?
I have to ask you this, now that you've done the long-term thinking, has this changed your behavior at all? Because the way you're going, unprotected sex every time, you are heading for parenthood.
Parenthood isn't a bad thing. I just question whether you're ready for it, financially and emotionally. Obviously, you'd have to find a job to support your child, as would the father. I'm glad you recognize that having a child too young is a burden on your mother. Hasn't she earned some time off from child-rearing? Isn't it unfair of you to expect her to pay for and look after a baby you had because you just didn't bother using contraception?
Have you ever heard of the red face test? This is where you picture yourself explaining your decision to your family, friends, co-workers and newspaper or TV journalists. If you can manage to do it without feeling embarassed, then perhaps it's the right decision for you.
The thing about this for me, though, is that the consequences of the decision NOT to use contraception affect more than just you. The consequences require a commitment of time, energy and money from other people. Their wishes have not been considered, you haven't discussed this with them, so essentially, you are making decisions for them. Look at it this way. Imagine you have a younger sister. She decides that she's going to get pregnant. Because of this, you have to give up all your free time to help her take care of the child. You can't spend time with your friends in the afternoons or on the weekends. You can't go on holiday on your own, because the baby needs care, and your sister is too young to manage without help. You get no say in your sister's decision, ye you suffer the consequences. How does that sound to you? Is this a good decision? To not use birth control just because you never got around to it?
Think this all the way through. Teenagers tend to look at the world through very tiny lenses and find it difficult to imagine what other people might be going through. I think that's hormonal too, it's part of growing up. But the problem with the 'me me me' phase is its impact on other people. You're old enough to distinguish right from wrong.
So I don't know why you want it to be positive. But in the final analysis, does it matter that you understand this right now? Or is it more important that you start to take some sensible precautions before you give your mother a lot of work and responsibility that she might not want at this point in her life?
A
male
reader, Dalmatian +, writes (5 March 2009):
Continue to have sex without "protection" and you will
get pregnant. You are using the method that other couples
successfully use to become parents. Continue to have sex without condoms and you may get the added bonus feature of a nasty STD to go along with your pregnancy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): The first step towards being a parent (either now or later on in your life) is to start growing up yourself. Take some responsibility for your choices and actions.
If you are repeatedly having unprotected sex, then both you and your BF are already trying to get yourselves pregnant right now. There is nothing accidental about a pregnancy when you've been doing this.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Sometimes hormones can get the best of you. It's a strange mix between our natural instincts and the expectations of society.
Thankfully you recognize that society wouldn't be as welcoming to you if you have a baby at 17. You most likely wouldn't be able to finish school, or go to Uni, and getting work that can support the needs of a baby when you're uneducated is really hard to do.
I know it's hard, but all of your good work in school will only set you up to be in a much better position for having children. Just ignore those raging hormones which are really just trying to make sure you don't "waste" an egg. I suggest you get on birth control ASAP and use condoms or spermicide as a backup plan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): In 5 years time...
Without a child: Finish my A levels, go on to university to do a 3 year course in Social Work & Applied Social Studies, and then hopefully get a job in some sort of social care/work line.
With a child: Finish my A levels, get a full time job until I had to stop working, have my baby, and then I suppose unless I had the support of my mum (unemployed), i'd have to raise the baby at home in it's early years (although obviously this would be a burden on my mum, and seems unfair)
Admittedly, I prefer the first without a child. I want a secure career, and I want to be financially stable so that any children that I do have can have the best upbringing as possible, as well as my own standard of life. But I still don't understand why I so strongly wanted it to be positive!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2009):
Maybe you don't really want to go on to University? Maybe you're hoping something will come along and rearrange your future for you, so you don't have to make any decisions? I'm concerned for you that you don't seem to be thinking in terms of what the longterm consequences are. The immediate ones are pretty obvious, but have you sat down and sketched out what would happen if you did have a baby at 17? How would that event affect where you would be in 2, 5, 10 years?
Not using protection is a decision which will lead to pregnancy in many cases. I have to ask, what part of your body is doing the thinking for you? Your brain, your heart or your ovaries?
So write down for me what you see yourself doing in 5 years, and how you will get there. Do it with and without a 4 year old toddler in the picture. (Don't forget childcare and finances.) I'm curious to see what a top student will come up with here.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Its normal to want children but you need ro focus on your life before bringing a baby into the world! Its selfish to try for a baby if you will not be able to provide for it, so when u are finacially stable then re-visit the idea! Start using contraception!!!!!!! And get yourself checked for sti's if you have been having unprotected sex! X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): At your age, your desire is probably based on a fantasy of how good it could be. The reality of how bad it could be hit you, too. Please don't 'experiment' with a life. Use birth control, get your education, then have your children. You'll be glad you did it in that order.
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