A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have most definitely found the one. I know good for me. But why am I feeling the way I do and getting so sad?I'm 22 my bf is going to be 27 in a couple of months. He has his own flat and I moved in with him in february. The one thing he wants more than anything in this world is a baby and I would love to give him that, however, my family would rather I get married first. Which I know we will get married but ATM he is paying off a loan and that will be clear just after he turns 30 so he said he'd marry me after that because he will have much much more money. Here's my problem...right now I need a new phone, new laptop and new car. My car will stop working on me soon (it was new in 2007 but I wasn't great to it so that's learned me to say the leat) my laptop no longer works and phone well thats just around 4 years old now so it would be nice to be upto date. I'd also like my own house but I'd like to build my own house with my bf but obv because of his loan he won't move anytime soon and would also like to do up the flat once he has more money. Lastly I do want a baby. But all that is expensive and we both work at the same place in different offices but earn low wages ( both earn around 12-13,000 per year ) I have it in my head I need all this before I'm 25. Actually no worse than that I seem to thinking need the phone and laptop within the next 6 month, car within a year, pregnant within a year and married with house before I'm 25.What's wrong with me? I'm being unrealistic arent I? Or am I? What's average age for all this? Is it normal I feel the need to have all this now because I have his feeling it's because many many people my age are either married (with children in some cases including my younger cousin) or engaged or have kids and my cousin who is 3 years younger keeps going on about how her and her bf are going to build a house knowing how much I want to do that. Am I jealous? I can get everything I want in time, right? I'm so confused.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 May 2012):
 You are 100% being unrealistic. The world simply does not work this way! You cant have everything you want in life right away, people have to work hard, save money and wait paitently until they can afford the things they want.
I do understand how you feel though about the baby and marriage part of it, many girls in their early 20's set out a little 'timing plan' in their minds so to speak with key timings for when they want to get married, have children etc. I always thought that I wanted to be married at 24 and having babies at 27. But here I am, nearly 25 and only have been with my boyfriend 6 months, there i no way I'm getting married or having children soon!
I'm not upset about this, because I realised as I got older and became more mature that these timing plans dont work in real life. I feel lucky to have my boyfriend, he is wonderful and the relationship is going great. All the things I want in the future will happen one day, but there is no point in worrying about when or trying to push it forward.
Waiting 3 years to get married is not a big deal, you will be 25/26 which is still very young to get married. It will ensure that you are mature enough to handle marriage and it will give you plenty of time to save up for the wedding too. Your boyfriend shouldnt be paying for everything, you have to contribute too!
As for the car, phone and laptop - why do you 'need' them? Your car is pretty new, so what isnt working? Is it not cheaper to do any repairs rather than buying a new one? Or have you got any savings so you can part exchange your car? That way you can offset the cost of the car with your current one as a part exchange.
The new phone thing is a nice to have not a 'need'. Yes we would all like a shiny new phone, new car, new clothes, holidays.....etc etc. But 'need' and 'want' are 2 very different things. If your phone works then you dont need a new one. You want a new one. You have to look at your priorities. What do you need a laptop for? Is it for work? Or just for fun? if it is for fun again you dont 'need' one, you want one. In which case surely getting a new phone with the internet on it means you can kill 2 birds with one stone - you wont need a laptop! Have a look at contracts and see what you can afford (i.e. £20 per month etc), see what phones come for free with the contract and take it from there. That way you can have a good phone with the internet that can do the majority of things a laptop can do.
As I said before I'm nearly 25, I earn double what you earn and I dont have a laptop - I cant afford one and there is no need to be greedy and have a good phone as well as a laptop! I limit myself to buying things I 'need' rather than being silly and buying what I 'want'.
You will get everything you want in time, as long as you calm down a bit and learn that good things come to those who wait. You have an unusual family and friends if they are married with kids before 22! My friends are all 25+ and only one of them is married, none have kids. The norm is for people to get married around 28, and then have kids around 30. So even if you have to wait 3 years to get married, and 5 years to have a child, you are still going to be younger than most people in the UK.
All you can do for now is make a plan of how you are going to get what you want. Look at what is wrong with the car and work out if it is cheaper to fix it, or part exchange it for another car. Look at mobile phone contracts and what you can afford per month so you can get yourself a good phone if you want. Put the laptop idea on the backburner as they are expensive - unless you need one for work.
As for marriage,babies and building houses - you need lots of money for this! So you need to do 2 things:
1. Figure out what you can do to improve your wage. I started out aged 21 on £13,000 per year, I am now nearly 25 on £25,000. You can change your salary quickly, as long as you put a lot of work in, make sure you have good qualifications (if you dont then go back to college after work or do a degree from home etc to get new qualifications) and make sure you impress your bosses at work so you get a promotion. I worked damn hard to get where I am, it meant changing my job around once per year to move up quickly, but it worked. Dont stay put just because you like your job or your colleagues - you will like other jobs so be ruthless if they wont give you a pay rise.
2. SAVE!! This is the easiest way to get money - get a savings account (everyone should have an ISA) and save a set amount of money each month. Work out what you can afford, and set up a standing order from your bank account to your savings account so the money is put into savings right away each month. Dont touch the money, and just let it build up over time. You can get some savings accounts where if you dont touch the money for, say 2 years, you get a better rate of interest. If you are not going to be getting married for a few years, this is the perfect thing to do.
And lastly - relax! As I said before, you will get what you want in time, but unfortunately you are young and on a low wage so you are not going to have all the amazing things you want right away. You have to work hard to get nice things like a new car, laptop, building a house...etc. Things like that dont fall onto a plate, you have to work long and hard and save lots of money to get them. Be patient and realise that you are very lucky to have a boyfriend with his own flat, in fact you are lucky to have found 'the one' at all! Rather than thinking about all the things you 'want' or 'need' - think about what you do have.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Sorry sweetie but you need a reality check.
I've looked into building a home with my husband and it is very expensive. The bank will want to know that you're both good earners and that the building project won't flop. My partner and I are both earning in the regions of 70k each and own another property but they still wanted over 20% deposit for a new build.
Calm down and prioritise!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Yes you're being unrealistic. And what's so special about the age of 25 that you MUST have all these by then? most of my friends didn't get married until they were late 20s or early 30s, and waited til their mid-30s to have kids. Because that's how long it took them to get their careers established and debts paid off so that they would have financial stability to afford a house and car and all that. My opinion is that you are right to want some pre-requisites before having a baby, such as, house, marriage etc. But I think you should not tie them to such a short time frame because it probably won't happen. So, work towards making more money to where you can support yourself, before you even think about having a kid. Now is not the time to be thinking seriously about kids. if you literally can't even afford a phone and laptop, then you definitely are YEARS away from being able to afford the costs of having a baby and raising a child.Work towards getting the basics down first, before you think seriously about having kids. And be realistic about how long it will take to build financial security. It probably will not happen by the time you're 25. FWIW, I'm in my mid 30s now. I got married when I was 25, we lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment while we both worked out butts off to make money and pay off student loans. For the last 10 years I've been gradually building my career and my husband has been building his business. My car is a 2001, has over 250,000 miles on it. We do have a nice house now, but not new car. I ride a motorcycle whenever I can to save gas and wear on my car. If we had wanted kids (we don't), we would have had to sacrifice having a house and stay in our one-bedroom place.in life you can't have everything, you have to prioritize and be realistic. The further away your dreams are from your present reality, then the longer time frame you're going to have to accept to achieve your dreams.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Being blunt. Yes. You are being TOTALLY unrealistic.
Currently you are not earning enough to afford the kind of lifestyle you want. So you are going to have to prioritise.
It appears, that all you want is the 'image' .... and you care more about how other people see you. So you want a new car, new laptop, new phone, new house, etc etc etc....
Do you actually NEED all these things, and can you actually AFFORD them?
if your car was BRAND new in 2007, it is only 6 years old.... which is nothing. My car is 12 years old and still going strong. Nothing wrong with having an older car, if it gets you from A to B and is safe. On your salary, you cannot afford a 'new' car.
Do you actually need a laptop? For work? Or is it for social things? Can you not share your boyfriends for the time being?
As for the phone, is it broken? Or is it about not being 'fashionable'? I had to have a new phone last year as a friend dropped mine in a puddle. My old one had done me very well for over 6 years and was in full good working order.
On your salary, you would struggle raising a child, and all the costs that it involves.
You are still VERY young to be having children and getting married. Those people who have kids at your age or younger do regret it. You have not lived.
The average age for women to get married in the UK is 30 - so you are WAY under that. You have plenty of time.
It sounds like you have many pipe dreams, which at present are out of your budget. Most people earning twice as much as you do, cannot afford to build their own house.So, how to address that. If you really want all those things, you are going to have to work for them, save up and rethink your current lifestyle.
You are on a low wage, have you considered trying to get a better paying job? How about going back to uni and getting further degrees to help your earning potential. Extra training can all help you up the career ladder.
But it takes work and effort. It is not going to fall into your lap.
Everyone has dreams, and it is important to have things to work towards, BUT you have to be realistic.
I am in my final year of a PhD. I don't earn a lot. I know that there are many things I cannot afford, much as I would love to have a lovely home with my boyfriend, a new car, nice clothes, a holiday (not been away for over 5 years).... at this moment in time, I just cant afford those luxuries.
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