A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for a 23 year old guy not to want to talk or think about the future? I've dated my boyfriend for 5 years and today I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years. He described all his ambitions and goals but only added afterwards that he hopes to still be with me. No engagement or moving in. I know we are still young and I'm not ready for marriage but I've been given a great opportunity to work in a different country and I need to choose between a once in a lifetime opportunity or a relationship that I'm not sure will go anywhere.
View related questions:
ambition Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 But you asked him where he sees himself in five years, which is a standard job interview question. And in this question, it's not normal to talk about your relationship. If you wanted to know where your relationship is in five years, as opposed to knowing his business plans, then you need to ask "where do you see US in five years". Then you will get your answer.
Btw, asking him if he sees you married in five years is forcing a proposal. How would he be able to say he sees you and him as married, when he hasn't even proposed yet? Exactly, he can't say that. You'd be forcing his hand. If you want to talk marriage, and you want to propose, then go ahead. But don't force it out of him.
You can, however, ask him what his thoughts are on marriage, and if he sees himself, hypothetically, getting married. In five years, you probably know already if he is the marrying kind or not.
Then again, five years... suuuuure, but you were barely legal when you started dating, and any dating in the teenages can almost just be written off as not counting. Sorry, but your brain and development isn't completed until you are 25. What you wanted at 18 is hardly ever going to be the same wants at 25. So at 23, you and him are just beginning to scratch the surface of what you actually want out of life.
Before the age of 25, I wouldn't expect anyone to be thinking sincerely about marriage/not marriage. I expect very different things from a 5 year relationship at 20-25, as opposed to 25-30. 20-25 = just fooling around and enjoying life. 25-30 = getting a grasp at where you are headed in life and what you want from your future.
So, final advice, don't rush this. It's normal for a 23-year old, no matter what gender, to not be ready to talk marriage. Take that job offer. If he and you are serious, you will survive a year or two apart. And NEVER EVER give up any dreams you have, or pass up on great opportunities, for ANY man. Whether he proposes or not, your life needs to be lived by you, and not revolve around a man. If you make your life about a man, you will not be happy.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 July 2016):
But you asked him where he sees himself in five years, which is a standard job interview question. And in this question, it's not normal to talk about your relationship. If you wanted to know where your relationship is in five years, as opposed to knowing his business plans, then you need to ask "where do you see US in five years". Then you will get your answer.
Btw, asking him if he sees you married in five years is forcing a proposal. How would he be able to say he sees you and him as married, when he hasn't even proposed yet? Exactly, he can't say that. You'd be forcing his hand. If you want to talk marriage, and you want to propose, then go ahead. But don't force it out of him.
You can, however, ask him what his thoughts are on marriage, and if he sees himself, hypothetically, getting married. In five years, you probably know already if he is the marrying kind or not.
Then again, five years... suuuuure, but you were barely legal when you started dating, and any dating in the teenages can almost just be written off as not counting. Sorry, but your brain and development isn't completed until you are 25. What you wanted at 18 is hardly ever going to be the same wants at 25. So at 23, you and him are just beginning to scratch the surface of what you actually want out of life.
Before the age of 25, I wouldn't expect anyone to be thinking sincerely about marriage/not marriage. I expect very different things from a 5 year relationship at 20-25, as opposed to 25-30. 20-25 = just fooling around and enjoying life. 25-30 = getting a grasp at where you are headed in life and what you want from your future.
So, final advice, don't rush this. It's normal for a 23-year old, no matter what gender, to not be ready to talk marriage. Take that job offer. If he and you are serious, you will survive a year or two apart. And NEVER EVER give up any dreams you have, or pass up on great opportunities, for ANY man. Whether he proposes or not, your life needs to be lived by you, and not revolve around a man. If you make your life about a man, you will not be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): You didnt ask him the right question.Did he know youd been offered this job?Did you talk about it when you applied for it or is it a bolt out of the blue?I dont think your boss just stunned you randomly by saying "we need you overseas in a more interesting post."So you had it in your head a while.This makes your boyfriend not quite more than a by the way thing."By the way that job i applied for came up in my favour.So im off!You'll get over me.Plenty more fish in the sea!Tara and good luck!"Dont be suprised if he's gutted if he didnt know it was in the pipeline and try to keep the other half informed in the next relationship because this is looking very shaky right now and its not specifically the boyfriends fault.Later you might regret it but its unlikely as the relationship possibly wasnt the correct one for you and peoples expectations change!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 You tell us :) . These things depend a lot from social and cultural expectations, so I don't know how it is in Australia.
In my neck of the woods- but more or less in all Europe too - yes, it's perfectly normal, the opposite would be unusual bordering with weird/eccentric. More for the males maybe , but all in all is both genders .
So seen with European eyes, he's told you all he can say at only 23, and more- that he hopes you'll still be together in future. But obviously before thinking marriage and kids, he has other goals and plans and aspirations to think of.
Well, same as you do, as a matter of fact. Otherwise maybe you would not even be considering moving abroad.
Anyway I think that if it is an ONCE in a lifetime opportunity- you should catch it. You said it yourself : ONCE in a lifetime, if you miss this train you won't get another one.
It would be a pity to miss this opportunity for something that you don't even know where it goes and if it will last.
As a matter of fact, I think you should not miss it even if yours was the exceptional 23 y.o. boy who's keen on solid committment and 5-years relationship plans.
5 years is a long time at your age, things change, sh.t happens, life interferes.... but your once in a lifetime train is leaving NOW....
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 You should *always* take a once-in-a-lifetime experience when you have no responsibilities tying you down. *Never* pass up an opportunity to further your individual goals, unless it makes sense - this doesn't.It's normal for him to not be sure at 23 - my boyfriend is nearly 22 and gets anxious talking about the future because it's stressful and he just wants to get through one stage at a time (he's in uni). That said, he does tell me he wants to marry me someday and that he can't wait to have our own place - I'm usually the one that makes a passing comment about it, though, and he'll agree or add a little. It may just be a young guy thing. My boyfriend always tells me he does want a future with me, though - does yours?How long would you be working in a different country for? If it's a year or less, an LDR may work, but it's probably best to break up if it's an indefinite time.I'd really advise not giving up this opportunity to advance yourself for a young relationship. Does he know you have this chance, though?
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 You said it yourself: you're both still quite young. I think it's very normal for him to not know where things will go. I'd make your decisions about yourife based on what's best for YOU.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2016):
 I think it's normal for a 23 year old (either gender really) to not really know what they want relationship-wise... HOWEVER, after 5 years together you KNOW whether it's a person you can see yourself with long term, that can be marriage etc.
Personally? I think he isn't sure about wanting to marry you or living with you, and that is why he isn't bringing that up - you kind of gave him the opportunity to skirt the issue and he took it.
I'd go for the work experience overseas, either you two can maintain a LDR with a future or... you can't.
...............................
|
