A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling incredibly depressed lately.Be been married for 1year, we've been together for over 6years. I really do love her but I feel like she is bringing nothing to our relationship.She got a great degree from a state university, she could easily be making 20-25/hr. But she's not, she's currently making 11.50 as a cashier. This would be fine if she didn't have a $900/month student loan to pay off. This leaves me to pay everything in order for us to live.I currently make $20/hr and I pay all my personal bills plus rent, electric, cable, Internet, heat, and all groceries. Plus I save for date night twice a month. And even though I've managed to do this all every month, I've begun to struggle. We have no money saved for any emergencies, I have bills 1-2 months past due, I need to go to the dentist but I have a 8month old bill that I can't pay off. Also, at home I do everything. I let her dog out (she bought the dog before we lived together), she literally lets the dog out 1-2 times a month. I do dishes, vacuum, clean kitchen, bathroom, make bed. The only thing she does is laundry..once a week.I mentioned that I needed help but she kinda shrugs it off. She's been out of school for almost 2years. What can I do for her to help us?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 Stop caring for her and start being her husband. She is taking advantage of you, and it is horrible to see. She can afford to have a low pay job because she is not worried about any bills she has to pay. Stop doing all the house work and see what happens. Or else come up with a chores rota and also a bills rota so she can chip in, she needs to start living like an adult.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (3 July 2016):
 I’m certain there’s a chemical reaction in some women after they walk down the altar and slip that gold wedding band on their finger…. I’ve seen and read it many times. Her previous burdens are like suddenly lifted and placed on the husband’s shoulder to endure.
She slacks off from housekeeping, cooking, career goals, and ambition… She says she’ll help but this NEVER eventuates, babies suddenly become an agenda which may explain lack of ambition and if not, new furniture or house will be. All of which weaken the knot of marriage into a thread!?
Here the poor husband wants to do what’s right; he thinks by shouldering the extra weight of responsibility he’s being a good provider... But this only lasts for so long, because this weight was meant to be shared, halved between the two, and not thoughtlessly ignored by the other; that is not marriage!? That’s using someone at their convenience!
Now I suggest you stop enabling her to remain in blind bliss as the consequences are only going to grow worse. If she’s going to be so flippant, then you need to get (lovingly) tough or get used to living toothless?
I suggest a cheaper place to rent, switch off certain Cable TV packages and keep the basic plan, forget date nights as that’s rewarding a wife who doesn’t award her husband respect, get flowers instead till matters improve. Start having regular talks where you discuss concerns, plan goals and work out solutions together as a couple.
You’re a good caring loving romantic man by the sounds of things, bought down to burden unfair responsibilities when marriage implies it would be shared by two. She needs to wake up to this fact and get on-board.
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): You're a dream, my friend. I think she has a problem with being book-smart; but not necessarily confident she is capable of applying the knowledge she has. Therefore; some encouragement may be in order. I think her self-esteem may have been damaged in her post-college job-search.
She obtained her degree for a reason. She may have taken on any job she could find giving her little challenge to obtain; because many give-up looking for work in their field of study. Searching for good jobs; only to be persistently rejected for the lack of experience, or a depressed job-market.
Yes, she has become a little bit of burden. She hates to push her ambition; because she is afraid of the challenge and/or doesn't think she can cut it. You must be supportive and give her a nudge. Explain in detail the burden this is for you financially, for her to fully understand what you're going through. She loves you. She will understand.
Let her know, that you're always there for her when she feels pressured; but you need her there for you as well.
You may have to cut some costs around the house, and if that means entertaining at home more; that may give her some incentive to search for employment that will boost your budget.
I don't think laziness is the problem. Cashiering isn't that easy, although it appears simple. It's stressful and exhausting over a whole eight hours a day. You're on your feet for most of it. It doesn't pay well, regardless.
You may have to offer her the option of a second job, or a better one. You're breaking your back, and that will age you quickly. The stress will turn into resentment, and the marriage will suffer. You may want to bring these points up in a heart to heart. Stay calm, don't grill her like a sausage on a griddle. There is a reason, and your sensitivity is necessary to help resolve it.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (2 July 2016):
 You need to have a serious talk with her about sharing the responsibility of running a home, and by serious I mean you have to be firm. You should show her visually (maybe by means of a spreadsheet) how much money is involved in running a household. The bills and the chores need to be divided more evenly. Tell her that you love her very much but she needs to take on more responsibility, because you are not happy with doing everything on your own to support the both of you. Tell her that this system is not working and needs to change. Be very clear about what you want out of this partnership from a practical perspective. Discuss which chores you would both prefer and then decide how you are going to divide it.
Another alternative is that one of you needs to take on a second job, but whoever is just working one job should take on most of the chores at home. Make it fair and equitable.
In my opinion, love is important but the least of what is required to make a successful marriage. You must both be compatible in terms of your financial, spiritual and parenting goals.
If you want to have a family in the future then it is imperative that you sort out these practical affairs now. You need a lot of money to raise a family and both of you must be on the same page with regards to earning and saving money for that day.
In a way it's like a project management meeting you will having with your wife. The project is the running of your household. The objective is to figure out who is responsible for what. The goal is to work as a team, help each other out and save money for the future.
This is what the hard work is about in marriage. It's not romantic but it's necessary. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (2 July 2016):
The reason she isn't motivated to do anything, is because she knows you will pick up the slack. She doesn't have to do anything, and still knows it will all get done. Food appears, the house gets vacuumed, dishes gets done. So unless you put your foot down and stop doing everything, things on that front are unlikely to change.
On the budget front, she is also just letting you take care of everything. Does she even know how bad it is? It sounds like money is kept separate. She pays her loan. Does she know that bills are going overdue? Because it might be that she thinks, well we have water and electricity and groceries. And even twice a month date nights. So money must be fine. I would recommend that the two of you go through a list of all your combined expenses and combined income. We use a program called ynab which we love, but there are many out there. And you can even do it on pen and paper.
First go through your monthly bills and list them. Some are easy because they are the same every month. Some are harder like gas and electricity that might vary esp in diff seasons. Try to take an average for those. Then there's your necessities like groceries and gas (take your best estimate or look at your credit card bills). And there's fees that don't come monthly, like annual subscriptions or renewals, so don't forget those, take the amount and divide by 12, so you budget a little at a time and aren't surprised by the whole thing at once. And budget a bit of money a month for emergencies and car repairs. Then there's Christmas and gifts and birthdays, etc. It all adds up. Then compare that to how much income combined you have. Hopefully by seeing that, she realizes that you guys are struggling and she will help to bring in more income.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): Op here,
I didn't see things like this at all. Before we got married she had ambition. She wanted a little time off before looking for a job. Her student loan was deferred at the time so she had money to help with some bills.
It was right around when we got married when it seems like her ambition stopped. And like I said I've mentioned a couple times that I need help and that she needs to get a better job. She acknowledges it and makes it sound like she's going to. Then nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): This is really tricky problem to handle especially if she doesn,t want to cooperate.But it is normal for working couples with limited resources each to share the load.I suggest you talk to her frankly and tell her to share e.g you pay all the bills and she should do the grocery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): what a godsend you sound!What a pity there arent more of you!You are being superhuman and she has forgotten that you are only human!No wonder you are getting depressed!The burden has become too much to carry alone and you have got to make some changes but this will take a bit of adjustment on both parts.So you might develop a strategy like putting a financial and task based chart up on the wall, ticking off each thing in marker pen as it gets done.Make sure that pay student loan is middle of the list so she has to read the through it to note her contribution.Put pay the rent, pay electricity ,pay gas, pay internet,pay medical insurance right at the top.Pay mobile phone and buy food also near the middle etc. Then slice up your paypackets to jointly cover it all and tell her that she must contribute to everything and therefore pay off the student loan slower.Its that or its over!Dont let the dog be part of the picture because its just an innocent animal and will be a sidetracking point.Suggest taking in a lodger just so she sees you cannot stretch any further without cutting down the loan repayments and finally go and get your teeth done without thinking of bills.just do it because people used to die from tooth related deseases more than you think in the past.constant tooth problems make it difficult to think straight and it will definately keep you depressed!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 Why did you marry her? Had you lived together before marriage and *seen* that this is what it's like?
Personally, in this situation, I'd stop washing dishes and only wash the ones I need for myself, at that moment; she can either wash a plate/bowl dirty or not eat, if she won't wash them.
Make it very clear to her that you're not a bank, you don't have an endless money pot and you can't do all the chores (unless you don't work as many hours as she does).
Dial back what you do as much as you can. As for the dog, it became "ours", not just "hers", when you got married. The dog is innocent. How walks him/her?
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