A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy for the past eight months. Initially, we were casual. He dated other people. I dated other people, but throughout it all, we were honest about who we were seeing, even talk about pro's and con's of other people we were seeing, so in all, we developed a good friendship. Two months ago, we both decided to stop seeing other people and became more exclusive. He even recently met my family for the first time. Things have been great between us, however, I've recently noticed some correspondence from some of his ex's (three to be exact). The first one: He broke up with her a year and a half ago. Apparently, she stalked him after they broke up. She's been obsessive lately about calling him, but he's openly talked about this whole situation with me and has showed me an email to her that explains to stay away from him. This one is not my concern.The second one: He broke up with around the time I met him. She was sending flirty text messages to him, and he sent one back (he even showed me) that he has no interest to speak with her again and that he has a girlfriend now. This one is not my concern.The third one: He broke up with her a year ago. Back in December, when we were still casual, he mentioned he ran into her and she was very flirty with him, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend. He said nothing happened. However, I noticed that she emails him weekly. They have a common activity sport interest together, so it's mostly about that, but occasionally she gets flirty with him. He's not that responsive to her flirts, but there are a couple odd things when it comes to this case. He deletes the emails between them and doesn't tell me that he talks to her (unlike the other ex's). (The reason I know is because he deletes them at end of day, but I've been home at lunch and found the correspondence.) They are not Facebook friends, but we both have a mutual friend, so I occasionally keep tabs on what she's up to, and sometimes he brings up stuff that coincide with her, but the email communications don't reflect any correspondence with those topics. I don't know if they text; if they do, he deletes them. Back when we first started dating seriously (two months ago), he tried to hook her up with a friend of his, even though she's got a boyfriend. The other day, she was telling him, in an email, about her and her girlfriends planning an outdoor day. He asked her if she was bringing her boyfriend and she said no. I've confronted him about her, in general, and he said they occasionally chat, but he's not interested in her. I want to believe this, but I have an uneasy feeling. In my previous long term relationship, I was lied to and cheated on multiple times, so I understand that I have some baggage and reserve about trust. I can't determine if this is my hang up or if I should be worried about anything going on between them. I've already confronted him about her, and he assured me that he's only interested in me, but for some reason, I'm still uncomfortable about this. Why can't I shake this feeling? Is it my past baggage or is something up? Why does he delete her messages? Why doesn't he tell me that they talk? Does he think it's just harmless, but doesn't want me to get the wrong idea? I'm trying to keep perspective of this. Is this all in my head?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. After I wrote this, I went home for lunch, and I took another look at his email. Though he did erase correspondence from his inbox, he did keep the sent items and at the end of the last email, she asks, "So how are you and your lady friend?" He responds, "Things are going well. She's active and interesting..." She responds, "Things aren't going well with mine guy, but I'm not done yet. Glad things are going well with her :D" I'm not sure what to make of this. Seems fine. Again, am I paranoid? He's been bringing up the importance of fidelity lately, and has been speaking of our relationship very seriously. He knows my past baggage too. When I brought her up the first time, I didn't approach him disapprovingly. I just asked, so what's your history? You mentioned that you occasionally speak with her. Where do you stand with her? I know you mentioned that she was flirty with you back in December. So what's up? Did you you guys hook up before we got serious? (I was dating someone else at the time, so it shouldn't have been a concern.) He said, "No, we occasionally chat about sports, but that's about it. I only went out with her for a couple months, over a year ago. I'm not interested in her; I'm interested in you. I only respond to her emails, anyway." (Which is true - never saw any emails where he initiated the conversation.) I remember her sending an email once to him, asking if he was going to be somewhere specific doing this outdoor sport. He responded "No." (He and I also do the same sport together.) That day, he took me somewhere else, not our usual spot where she was going to be. Obviously she knows about me, and I know about her, so why the hesitation to introduce? I'm bound to meet her at some point. I should just confront him again about it. Explain to him that I'm going to meet her at some point. I just want to know what to expect from her. Is she going to be flirty and disrespectful to me? Should I come across like...Just tell me if something happened between you. I just want to know where we stand moving forward. Any thoughts to the confrontation?
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 April 2011):
 It's not all in your head. You have reason to be concerned, and for the very reasons you mention. There is secrecy involved in his relationship with, let's call her #3.
At the very least he is having a tough time extricating himself from the relationship, and at the very most your relationship with him is not as exclusive as you had hoped.
It's not your baggage. You just learned the signs and now recognize the behavior. Yes, deleting correspondence from her immediately means something is up. It's really up to you, where you want to go from here.
You say you've already confronted him about this woman, so he knows you don't approve. Lay it on the line. You can say, "We had agreed to have a mutually exclusive relationship. I will accept nothing less." Then act on it if you must. If he truly values your relationship, you may find that #3 gets a "Leave me alone letter" as well.
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