A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Love or loneliness? When I finally decided to tell her my feelings, she asked me if I really liked her or if I really liked being with her. Honestly, I couldn't think of an answer, and I still can't answer that. She says that she was worried that was I too lonely which is why she never minded me hanging out with her. In any case, she told me wasn't interested right and that we should just keep things the way they are for now.I don't know. It seems clear that she does care, but I feel so pathetic right now. I don't know what love is, so how do I know what's right? Is loneliness really that apparent? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (18 July 2011):
Hi Anon,
Thanks for asking your question: it gave me pause to reflect on my own soul-crushing "the-feeling's-not-mutual" situation and ask myself the same thing, i.e. what distinguishes longing for someone because of loneliness from being just crazy about them.
The answer I came up with is this. If you have a feeling of euphoria at the thought of her being happy, it's more likely love than loneliness. If you feel physically ill at the thought of her being away from you, then it's more likely loneliness than love. The distinguishing feature is what role 'you' play in the scenario: Her going away from *you* causes *you* pain, and there's no consideration of whether or not she's happy, sad, enjoying a sandwich, or what have you. The focus is on what you're feeling, and because of that I'd say it's less about love than loneliness.
On the other hand, if you feel euphoric at her simply being happy, then it's about *her*, and your feelings are just a nice by-product - or, rather, the product of your empathy towards her. In this case, I'd say you're dealing more with love. Of course, more likely than not, you're feeling both at the same time. So the question then is, which is stronger? (This is what she wanted to know, I think.)
Soooo, my advice is to reflect on that for a bit - being completely honest with yourself - then tell her what you came up with. Also tell her that her question made you think about yourself in a way you hadn't before (*I'm guessing there), and that you appreciate it. My guess is that she'll in turn appreciate that you listened to her, & took her question seriously - whatever your answer to it turns out to be.
Thanks again for asking it here, though - I'm going to sit under a banyan tree or something for a bit & see if I can't work out my own answer.
A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Peoples emotions in general can be more obvious than we tend to acknowledge ourselves because we are the ones sending them out. I tend to think there are just various degrees to which people mask them; obviously your one of the kind of people who broadcasts quite strongly (though, the good news is not everybody will pick up on it). This tends to be especially true with people close to us.
What love is, is a broad question. Obviously this felt right for you but it didn't for her and that happens. Ergo it wasn't right. However, there is no need to feel pathetic; we all often see something we want too because we feel it so strongly so do not get down on yourself.She obviously does care for you as evidenced by her concern and in many ways that is better than a relationship because it is more likely to stand the test of time. You should treasure that.
Of course, its not going to be easy but I would enjoy her company for what it is and that should ease your loneliness; in the meantime, this will enable you to find somebody for who the feeling is mutual. You also say 'for now' which makes me wonder if there maybe future possibilities - i hope there are for you but even if there are not then you obviously have a solid friend who cares and that is a precious thing. In the meantime, try to stop being so hard on yourself and good luck :)
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 July 2011):
 i think she was testing you and when you could not come up with an answer it made you look like you couldn't think of any thing about her you really liked, this must have made her feel like you were just using her for the sake of having someone. if you want to make amends with her just tell her that you were caught by surprise at her question and then go on to tell her all the things you really like about her. write her a love letter if you don't feel confident to say this to her now that you have sort of broke up
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