A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why would a guy I date/live for 10+ years go to such huge lengths to cover-up looking at tame Internet porno? He has a whole separate browser on our computer and it is set-up to basically not leave any "tracks". He says it's just because he's embarrassed and he only looks at MILF/lesbian porno?! Yeah right. Am I being a fool to think that it's just that?? If he's so damn embarrassed about it, why did he initially have to lie about it, only to just come right out and say what it was?! Big deal!! I guess what confuses me is the lengths to which he was taking to hide something supposedly so tame that it is unbelieveable to me. Now I'm paranoid and wondering if it's something worse. Does anyone else think this is strange?! And please, no generic replies like, "All guys look at porno". I know that, and I don't care. I am just concerned that it is/was something worse i.e., live-sex and chat shows, sharing sex pics, actual contact with other women, etc....Porno is one thing, but that other stuff crosses the line for me personally. Should I hire a techie to get into our indexDAT files and find out??
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): This is not related to the original question, but I think that this clarification needs some clarification.
Quote: “And can I just say for the sake of other readers, the presense of the HPV in the body is not connected to Herpes. I had the Papilloma virus for years before it disappeared on its own, and have never had Herpes in my life. Herpes is caused by the HSV-1 virus, not the HPV.”
Herpes is in a way connected to HPV. They are both sexually transmitted and if a person has one of them, it is very possible that they also have the other. People normally get them by having unprotected sex with multiple partners or with a partner who has had unprotected sex with multiple partners. If I or a partner were tested positive for one, I would want to be tested for the other.
While it is correct that herpes is not caused by HPV, the anon poster was not trying to say that it was. He was just concerned that she could have both and I can understand his concern. Herpes is also caused by both the HSV-1 and HSV-2 viruses. HSV-1 is normally oral herpes (cold sores) and it is estimated that 80% of the population of the USA have it. Genital herpes is normally HSV-2, although either strain can be present in either location. Looking up information before he confronted his partner was actually a smart thing to do in my opinion. There is no reason to try to insinuate that she has herpes until he knows what he had. From her reaction to his looking for information on herpes, it is evident that she would have probably have an even worse reaction than she did to his looking for information.
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male
reader, karlgoo +, writes (9 November 2008):
 work through it with him and ask him if he is willing to get an accountabiltity partner..one of his good friends maybe? here is a good site that really helped my parents...i dunno if you are religious person or not but they have some very good tips and software that is available for download for accountability that lets your husbands accountability partner know what sites he has visited.
http://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): There is more than kiddy porn, there is also interactive webcam stuff. That would really bother me! There are also sex networking sites and stuff. Look up Webwatcher, it could be what you need. It is the best of its kind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay all you brilliant people out there, here's an update:
He's looking at exactly what he says he's looking at - nothing horrible or anything, but he continues to feel the need to lie about something he doesn't need to lie about. That is exactly what has me concerned/baffeled. I am pretty much sure that an addiction is involved here, because of some things I have recently learned about porn addiction - he's a classic case. It has begun to affect our relationship as of recently, and I can tell it is really hurting him as well. Yes, I'm generalizing here to be simple, but what do I do from here?? Stay or go?? In otherwords, what would you do if you were me????
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): PS: Yes babes, if he won't be open with you, then I'd go and get a technical person to check that nothing illegal is going on.... Sorry, I would really hate to be in your situation. It's awful when we have these stupid doubts about men... I'm sure it's nothing important, but I know it's on your mind, and it's not something you'd feel comfortable about ignoring...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I know what you mean babes, I would find it strange too. If you don't mind porn, and have lived together for 10years, what's the big secret... Don't want you to slip into paranoia, there is no reason for that, but it would bug me too, and I'd start nagging and nagging, and turn into one of them women who snoop... Since I'm pretty open about most things, I would start to assume all kinds of things... As kitten has mentioned, illegal activity would come into my mind, and then I'd have to dump the computer, cause I ain't going to jail for no one. Talk to him again, tell him that you are worried about the possibility of underage pornography which is illegal. I'm sorry babes, like you, I don't know why a guy would hide his Internet activity, especially after 10years of a close relationship. Try to tackle it with him again and ask him to show you what he's been looking at... Hopefully it might be nothing more that a nice surprise for you, or some strange porn, like transsexuals or old women or something that you might laugh at....
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you karlgoo: That is a very sweet possibility that I am considering as well....
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male
reader, karlgoo +, writes (7 October 2008):
he could feel guilty for even looking at that because he cares about you so much and didn't want to hurt you
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Yes possibly because you're now thinking if he is lying about that, what else could he lie about.
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, it bugs me most that he felt he needed to lie and cover-up something he simply didn't need to.
I guess this has pushed a paranoia button within me and I'm not sure why.
I appreciate everyone's points-of-view. Thanks!! :)
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 October 2008):
lol @ the anon poster automatically blaming 'us women' when he could have simply said to his girlfriend what concerned him in the first place thus avoiding upsetting her. Rather than be honest, have a secret browser ey, its way better to complicate things haha. Cool.
And can I just say for the sake of other readers, the presense of the HPV in the body is not connected to Herpes. I had the Papilloma virus for years before it disappeared on its own, and have never had Herpes in my life. Herpes is caused by the HSV-1 virus, not the HPV.
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I thought the last answer was very good. If there is nothing untoward going on in your relationship to make you worried then perhaps you should think of leaving this subject alone. If you find your sex life going wrong or something else to worry you maybe persue. Everyone has a right to privacy and private thoughts and a little suspicious though can bring a whole heap of paranoia. I was worried in case my bloke might be tempted to go and see a prostitute – I don’t really think he would but I went down a whole line of thinking which made it quite a possible scenario. I found a bit of paper which had some writing on it that said something which seemed to back up my idea until I realised it was a postcode!
If you really have to, but a package called Webwatcher, take a look at it on line. It can bypass anything your bloke uses to scrub and is not detectable. I hope it is not as bad as you think and stays within the categories you can accept.
Mainly if there is no trust, that is bad. It can be hard to trust a person. Perhaps you try to accept this porn habit but don't really like it becasue you can't know where it begins and ends. That is what I dislike about us women being led to believe it is OK. I don't hink it is because it breeds mistrust like a rot underneath relationships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks hlskitten: I never thought of that!! Eeeks!!Thanks anonymous: I'm really not trying to be mad at him. I really have no problem with most porno, or privacy. I don't hide my "naughty" searches, and I most certainly don't go out of my way to poke around in the computer all day looking for his "naughty" searches (lol)!! I just don't understand what is so embarrassing to him since he isn't exactly a shy guy in the bedroom. But you bring up an interesting point - that maybe he just wants a few secrets of his own. But, us women folks are curious creatures, and it unnerves me because it is something out of character for him. I guess one can still get surprised by someone they've known so well, for such a long time....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I have set up the exact same separate browser thing on my computer just to have a little privacy from my fiance'. I do, in-fact, use this "second" browser to look at porn every now and then when curiosity gets the best of me, but I also use it for other completely innocent things that are frankly none of her business.
Here is why:
About a week ago, my fiance' found I had been doing research on herpes. The reason for this was because I found a bump on me "down there" and panicked. Turns out it was nothing more than a clogged pore, but at the time I didn't know.
She had just told me that she tested positive for HPV a week ago and I was still processing that when the bump showed up. So for a brief moment I thought, "Well she had HPV and didn't know it, could she have given me herpes and not known it?"
I never mentioned anything about my five minute research session to her, I unclogged my pore, and moved on.
Last night she saw that I had looked up "Herpes" and starts crying becuase she took the fact that I got scared about an STD personally! Now, she's thinks I think she's a slut because I, for a brief moment, I thought she might have given me herpes.
Now I'm in the doghouse because I googled something on my own personal time, and she saw it in the history.
That is why, from now on, I use my own browser and delete my browsing history.
No matter how good we are, you women will always find something to get mad at us about.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 October 2008):
I would. It could be stuff even more sinister than you think. And if anything ever happens and the law takes your pc away, you will be in the firing line to start with too dont forget.
I'm like you, I accept the porn site thing, but if he knows you do, and is hiding them so you cant see, something doesn't add up.
C xxxxx
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