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female
age
51-59,
*emé'oono
writes: Ok, for background on this, please look up my only other question.I still am in love with my soul mate...the love of my life. He is everything that I want in life. Still, we refuse to leave our spouses for our own selfishness. We have thought about it but, they didn't do anything, they still love us. So our selfishness would be causing grief for others. That isn't how we want our love to manifest itself. We have children that we owe more than this. But it's so hard. I want to be with him more than I want to live. No, I would never take my own life but knowing that I have to live without him seems like my life is leaving me. Like I have no choice in the matter. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel depressed much of the time and have no desire to be where I am. I would rather be alone than have to pretend that I am in love my husband. I still care about him, he's a great guy, he's a good father and provider, he loves me and treats me better than any woman deserves. Still, he's not what I want. I don't want him to touch me, I only have sex with him because it's expected. So, here's my question....Is it fair to make him live in a fake relationship? Even though he doesn't know it's fake?? Doesn't he deserve better, a woman who loves him as he deserves to be loved? Or am I just rationalizing it so that I feel better about the way I feel? Is this a part of 'growing up and growing apart'? Do a lot of women go through this? Is it just a phase that I should wait out and see if he becomes all he once was to me?? I'm very confused and need genuine help. If you want to slam me for being an adultrous whore then don't even reply. I know I'm cheating on my husband, I know I'm a bitch, I know I'm not worthy of his love, I feel awful inside that I have these feelings. But the fact that I know how horrible this is yet still feel like I really truly love this other man should be proof that I truly need advice. If you want to help me and give me sound advice, I would really appreciate it.[Moderator's note: Relative to the last part of your message, we do not allow messages that are offensive to the poster, do not worry about that.]
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (2 June 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the question It is now 2009. A lot has changed in my life. I am still very much in love with my soul mate. However, he has now left the state. Before he moved away, we were separated for a year with him away with his job. We stayed in contact and we know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Now that he's moved, we are desperate to be together again.
I've told my husband that I am done. Someone struck a serious chord when they said I had self-esteem issues and another person said I must be a great actress. I have both of these problems...I have serious self-esteem issues that stem from my marriage. Waiting this out and living with my husband has shown me exactly what my issues are and that my husband isn't all he was cracked up to be. When I finally decided to tell him that I was done it was because I can't stand to have sex with him any more. He has objectified me for too long and I feel used up. I know that sounds self serving and like a cop out but...I guess saying that he knows that I have been having an affair behind his back and he blames himself for pushing me into another mans arms will suffice.
I now know that all of these years I have blamed myself for not being what he needed when in reality I never could be. I ballooned up to 250lbs because of the stress I was going through trying to be something I didn't want to be. I've now lost that weight because I know what I want and I'm happy with my decision.
Well, so I finally did it. I told him I'm through and that I want a divorce and he is promising me that he can make me happy that he can and will change. He knows I am in love with someone else yet he says all he wants is me, that he can't see growing old with anyone else, that he believes in our marriage and that we are meant for each other.
I don't believe that he will change even though he is making enormous efforts...it's nauseating to watch and be subjected too. It's what I wanted from him all of these years but now it just seems so fake and condescending. Why now after I've finally decided that I'm done and want to be happy. I feel like I need to tell him that I can't do it anymore and that I need out NOW. I told him that I would think about it because I feel I owe it to 20 years of marriage and my 13 year old daughter. But every day it gets harder and harder to bear and I find I get more and more bitter. I don't want to resent him and I don't want him to resent me. I still 'like' him...especially now that he's trying to be the guy I fell in love with....but I don't love him anymore. Is it better to just get out now??
To answer the questions on the other side, Yes, my soul mate is in the process of divorcing his wife too. He too decided that he could not be without me. He and his wife have serious trust issues too.
I have suffered a lot of heartache and happiness within this last few years...I know what I want but I hate that I'm hurting my husband. He's not an awful guy he just has some issues that need to be worked out. He's trying to change but for me it is just to little to late. I know what I want and he is not it.
So, am I justified or am I just reasoning it away? I know there will be questions. I'm not ashamed of what I've done and I told my husband that. I told him that finding my soul mate was worth all the pain that I've gone through.
A
female
reader, 4Tee  +, writes (25 December 2007):
I met my soul-mate and went through a dissolution, it sounds VERY much like your case. I would have never believed that I would have cheated on my husband or ended my marriage. I lived the perfect lie. I had it all and no one had any idea that my marriage was all a front. My soul-mate has left his wife, over a year ago, but has made no legal action yet. He is also married with two boys. I have two boys from my ex-husband, who is a wonderful person, that after 17 years of marriage, told me he did not love me. I am so happy in my life right now, but sometimes I lay awake at night, feeling so, lonely, sad, bothered, so many feelings I cannot describe. This is a life changing event. I tried to salvage my marriage, to figure out what was missing. I would do two things before you make any decisions...first figure out what is missing in your marriage. You married him for a reason and probably still love him, maybe not in the "fantasy" kind of feeling your going through right now...reality will set in, remember that! Also, find out exactly the intentions of your "soul-mate". Be prepared to be alone and "lose" your husband if you move forward but your soul-mate does not. Ask yourself, "would I be divorcing my husband if I would have never met Mr. XX?" Change is hard and alot of people's lives will change. I am not a firm believer of "staying for the kids", but I will tell you that sometimes I look back and KNOW that it would be ALOT easier. You can e-mail me if you'd like...and Merry X-Mas....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): It is difficult to give you advice in a way, as being someone who has been in your husbands shoes, it hurts. The reason these posts hurt for someone like me is that I, having been in your husbands situation, would have always wanted the truth about the person I married. I would not want to live a lie. You have chosen this for him, and that is, to a certain extent quite arrogant to assume that he should not know who he married.
My first instinct is to rip into you, which you say you do not want to hear. But, in a way your already doing that to yourself. The only thing is that your STILL, only seeing your side of things.
You know it is going to be hard for everyone involved in this situation. The only advise I could suggest is instead of feeling your pain and anguish with your feelings of depression and low self esteem about the situation you have created, is to perhaps ask yourself if it was your husband having the affair and pretending with you - would you want him to be honest with you. Would you want him pretending?
Would you want to live a lie... a lie that you did not create. Would you want to know for sure that the man you have married, still loves you, whem he makes love to you, would you want it to be for real? Would you be happy for him to whisper sweet nothings into another womens ear, tell her that he loves her. Would you want him to accept all your generosity, support and caring knowing later that he had someone on the side, who was his soul mate and the one he really loved and not you? Or would you want the truth about your marriage...
Start thinking about whether he deserves to know the truth about you. Yes everyone is going to get hurt, but at least everyone will be living a truth. Even if you lover does not want to leave his partner, not your decision, you have to do the right thing by the man who is the provider and committed to your marriage. You cannot continue living like this. I can't see how you won't leave your respective partners because it will hurt them! Is your husband the back up plan?????
This is the consequence of what you and the other man have created. If you decide not to be honest with your husband, you MUST live with it. You need to decide what you want and if it is this other man, then go for it and take the rewards you seem to think will be gained.
I don't understand why - now - it is a problem. Is it because you are not happy with your marriage or is it that you have not totally got committment from this other guy? You need to work out what you are looking for. It always confuses me that people can live double lives with their effections, maybe it is me, but I could not be such a good actress. If it is the guilt, tearing you up, your a big girl get help, get couselling. Because your playing with other peoples lives, that would be the best place to start in finding out what you want to do.
My last comment is something which has always amazed me about people who have affairs. Happy to get it started, happy to continue with the thrills and deceipt, but not happy to be exposed and live with the consequences. The way one lives with the consequences of ones actions is a start in being honest with ourselves and doing the right and best thing for those who did not decide to muck it all up for a thrill.
Whether you like it or not your going to make matters worse by continuing in two relationships which are not realistic. You have a partime relationship with your lover and a partime relationship with your husband.
Unfortunately it seems it is easy to start an affair, easy to have it a secret for a while, but then it seems all complicated and hard to do the right thing.
You list all the things you know about you and how you have behaved. You then say that you feel you truly must love the other man. I just wonder - Do you, really?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Dear young lady.
I think you've answered all of your own questions. Seek counsling first before you make any big decisions.
Your children come first and the harm your doing to yourself and your husband. Selfesteem is a big issue for you you wouldn't be going through this if you didn't feel bad about yourself. When you have selfesteem you don't hurt yourself or the ones you love. You also have trust issues or you would be up front with your husband. It's time to grow up and remove the training wheels.....
It's time to start being kind to you. Your a wonderful person and deserve a great life.
Sincerly,
Auntie Vicki
P.S. Yes it could be a phase, thats what couples counsling is for.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (17 December 2007):
 You have put your case so forcefully that we have left nothing but to advice strongly to leave your husband at once.
As a man I would never ever want to be with a wife who is in love with another man and making fake love to me.
I certainly think, by not being honest with him, you are wronging him.
And also, by admitting, how good a father and housekeeper he is, you are implying you are with him, not because you appreciate him but you enjoy the sense of security he provides. His being good does not make you love him...does it.
Of course I sympathize with your husband and I do not respect your behavior at all. (even assuming you have not actually physically cheated on him)
I wish you happiness and power and sternness to your innocent husband. You must get divorced and try to be with your soul mate. But two points:
1) I do not think your new marriage will be similar to your affair with your lover.
2) You should not tell your husband that you are leaving him for another man, even though he will find out, words matter and we have to watch our words and do not hurt the other side.
3) Don't tell him when leaving how good a man he was, because it will make your good husband look like a kid, the weak party in need of consolation. No he does not need your consolation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): You only have one life to live! You are obviously very unhappy in your current relationship and that is why you sought affection and comfort elsewhere. If you continue to live with your partner as you have mentioned it is making you depressed. Surely, he will feel that things are not the same between you? And consequently you feeling this way will have a negative impact on his feelings...Well you mention that you have met your soul mate..are you sure that this is not an infatuation and over time will come to an end? Does your soul mate feel that he wants to be with you 24/7? Giving up on a relationship is a hard thing to do but you have to way up all the pro's and cons. Get through Christmas and establish what you feel is of importance to you in your life, at the moment you are probably feeling guilty which is also confusing your judgement. Spend Christmas with your family, cool things off with your lover, just so that you have ordinary time to collect your thoughts and what it is you really desire in your life. It would be awful for you to forsake your partner and family, only to find that your lover was not really 100% committed to you? Then you would spend your time alone and with a lot of bad feeling from your nearest and dearest. I understand how painful and difficult it is for you right now, but you must be 100% certain that your lover is truthfully what you want in your life. Don't be rash, be calm and collected, before you make any decisions. I wish you all the best.
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