A
female
age
30-35,
*ucy7581
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now. He is 30 and I am 21. We are currently trialling living together (I have not officially moved all my stuff in). We have a bit of an issue about friends of the opposite sex. I don't really have male friends I text or talk to apart from at work etc.. But he has female friends. He has a very sociable personality and chats away to anyone he meets. He says he just texts and emails his female friends every once in a while. I went to London for the day about a week ago, and when I got back I asked him what he had been up to through the day, as you do! He told me he caught up with a friend he hadn't spoken to in a while (he texted her and they met up in town), and that she had been giving him career advice which he was excited about. My ears pricked up at 'she', I had never heard of this girl before. I asked him how he knew her and he said they went on a few dates a few months before he met me but there wasn't much sexual chemistry so they decided to just be friends. I asked him why he has never told me about her before and he said there has never been any reason to talk about her. I know he is very sociable in general and appreciates friendships, but because I don't feel the need to have lots of male friends I don't understand it. He is also still in touch with a few exes and I'm sure there are probably female friends I don't know about, because he hasn't had a reason to tell me about them. I don't know what's appropriate in a relationship.. Is it normal/respectful for your boyfriend to text/hang out with other females?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): It's perfectly normal for me. Some of my closest friends are women and I meet up regularly for coffee or lunch etc.
I've actually slept with most of them at one time or another too, but my wife doesn't care in the slightest because I've never cheated and she knows I never will.
It's about trust and what you can tolerate. It's not wrong to not to be able to tolerate his friendships, OP. We all have our conditions. I had one ex whose best friend was a total bitch to the point where she was abusive towards me and she became the reason I broke up with that girl. I couldn't tolerate having a person like that in my life through the woman I was dating.
It would be wrong however to try and dictate your conditions to him, if you can't handle his friendships then go find a guy who only has male friends.
Can men be friends with women without anything happening? of course, we have that with our mothers and sisters don't we so it's very possible to see women as strictly platonic. I have two close female friends for the past 10 years I've never seen that way, even if I have slept with the rest of them at one point or another.
A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (16 June 2014):
My husband says that males don't have female friends, just potential girlfriends. I am not sure about that, but I do know that friendships when a couple need to be inclusive, not exclusive.There exists an intimate knowledge between exes and so the potential to go there again. It is a bit uncomfortable as an idea, from my perspective.I had a boyfriend who collected ex girlfriends. I called it the "old girls club". Strangely I was never invited to meet any of them, but one in particular stayed the odd weekend with him. I know he had the odd replay, which is why I ended it.It is all a matter of trust and discussion on what you are comfortable with, as well as openness. It was a bit convenient that your chap met this girl while you were away, but at least he told you. I presume he will invite you along in future so you can meet her yourself.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 Since the subject has come up; I guess now is a good time as any to start talking and giving reasons about these females? I believe he now has good reason to tell you about them; considering you’re currently trailing living together!
Sure enough it’s acceptable to be sociable in general, normal to have female/male friends etc at any age, but to catch up/hang out with an Ex of any description, with chemistry or not when your back was turned sounds rather convenient, coincidental or opportunistic to me – INAPPROPRIATE… or a lapse in judgment perhaps
Even with the benefit of doubt, it’s time to ask and stipulate what is respectful to you when you’re in and out of town and get to know a little bit more about your boyfriend’s point of view about keeping a few Ex’s… Why are they important to him…? Perhaps he needs to adjust to being open about his friends?
Take Care – CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Here's a male's perspective and response to your question.
All exes aren't enemies. They don't disappear off the face of the earth to make-way for your new partners. They may or may not have residual-feelings. They can control their behavior toward your boyfriend; as well as you can control your insecurities toward them. The ultimate responsibility of his behavior is in his hands, and your level of trust can make or break your relationship. Not necessarily his consistent fidelity. Hanging out with female-friends, with your knowledge, would be a dangerous scenario if he's planning to cheat on you.
I'm not suggesting that you sit-back while he spends the majority of his time entertaining other women. You wouldn't stand for that anyway. Get to know them and alleviate your suspicions. It would be different if you were married. The different rules will apply.
Is he supposed to sever long-term friendships, because you're in the picture? Even if short-term, or he met her yesterday; he can't base his alliances and connections on your insecurities.
I do suggest that you make male-friends, and you will develop a different opinion; because you will not be basing your fears on the unknown. You will level the playing field. Then he would have to compete for your attention.
Learn how to relate to males in more ways than just romantically and/or sexually. The only other males in your life are your male-relatives. Your father, brother, cousins,uncles, co-workers, and people offering you paid professional-services, or just neighbors. These are totally categorical asexual-relationships. Is your gynecologist male or female? Your general practitioner? Male or female?
You don't trust yourself around men for fear of becoming emotionally/romantically/sexually-attracted.
Therefore; you fear that's everyone's problem. That's not so.
Make male-friends; even if he may happen to be gay. Get rid of your male-stereotypes that we are mindless penises, that don't honor or respect the boundaries of committed-relationships. That we can't love as deeply and authentically as females.
It is healthy for women to have guy-friends. The most independent and happiest females I know, married, coupled, or single; do have their own male-friends. I'm one of their male-friends. I do happen to be gay. I happen to have straight-male friends. Married, single, and coupled. I know their wives, children, and their girlfriends.
The initial apprehension subsides once they get to know me; and my intentions. I get to know them to arrest their concerns and insecurities. I embrace both in couples as my friends. I may favor my original-friend over their mate; but that is only natural. We established our bond before the mate was introduced. It equalizes over-time.
I stay neutral when they have conflict, but stand by my original friends for support. You will need that. You also may bounce ideas off the heads of your male-friends, who will help you understand things about your boyfriend (or men in-general) you'll never figure-out. No matter how well he tries to articulate; you will have selective-hearing when your boyfriend explains himself to you. You over-think and over-analyze your boyfriend's personality. He is an enigma. He makes friends so easily. Perhaps too many for your taste.
That scares you. How would you ever know if he is cheating?
Your insecurity and the imbalance in your relationship keeps you in that mindset.
If your boyfriend is a friendly extroverted person; he has a balance of male and female friends. He may even have a gay-male friend. Up go the eyebrows!!! He doesn't have a need to present each, and disclose every acquaintance he has ever made. Only because that could be quite a vast number of folks. Out of sight; out of mind. People appear out of the blue. Old friends crawl out of the woodwork.
Some are associates by common-interests, some are friends of a friend, and some he met directly; and actually endear their loyalty and willingness to remain available in his life. To the degree of friendship. He doesn't keep track or worry; because they are only friends (close and in-passing) and part of his network and support-system. Some may be pretty hot too. I mean sexy as hell.
I have business-cards out the yin-yang. I can't place a face to every one of them. You meet people and just shake hands, and they remember your name and face. They could be a hot female, or a really handsome guy. That's incidental. I encourage all my male and female friends to keep a balanced support-system. I mean people they actually know and interact with. Set the proper boundaries, respect your mate. Demand respect toward your mate. Then all is good.
All men with female-friends are not players. If your boyfriend was an aggressive-flirt when you met him, he will remain that way. Don't hitch your wagon to that kind of horse, if you can't handle it.
I encourage you to make friends of both genders, and any sexual-orientation.
I practice what I preach. The result, I have a full life. People who surround me in a crisis, calls that check on me when I'm missing in action, and I hear everyone's point of view. I use what I learn from these people. They are critics to my responses to OP's; and keep me grounded and level-headed as a person. You are exclusive as a committed couple. That means monogamous. That doesn't translate into friendless. Of course, to each his/her own.
Friends of the opposite-sex don't always wind up in bed together. That could just as easily happen with a co-worker or an anonymous person you met on a bus, or the train. You don't have to even exchange names to cheat with someone.
So being friends doesn't make sex readily available outside the relationship. Not having friends of the opposite sex doesn't lesson the opportunity to cheat. People prone to cheating, can also be friendless.
An introverted person doesn't understand why a person in a happy relationship would need other people. They see people as a distraction or a threat. That's why they're introverted.
I think if you had male-friends; you would see that they could enjoy your company, and your input, without any threat to your relationship. I know you only wanted to hear from the ladies. I just had to add my two-cents. I apologize if you take offense to my butting in, or anything I've suggested.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): I think he could be trying to make you feel jealous and insecure and funny how this happened when you had to go out for the day, so now next time you probably would be worryingwhat ges up to when you go out. Its probably him jealous of you but hes trying to turn it all around so all your attention is on him. Be careful, I would not want to be with a man who talks to ex girlfriends etc. how would he like it if it was you doingthat
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): It's up to you both to talk about what your okay with or not okay with in a relationship. I personally am not okay with my boyfriend hanging out alone with a girl or keeping in contact with his ex's and he is fine with that and expects that i do the same because he wouldn't like it either. You have to communicate with him what you are or aren't okay with and come up with a agreement or compromise for example hang out with female friends only if your there to or as long as it's not one on one and in a group setting. Just talk to him and see what you can work out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I think going out to a lunch or dinner with a person of the opposite gender is just fine. HOWEVER, when it's someone you have had a relationship with or sex with it can be a little inappropriate if EITHER of them have any "residual" feelings for each other.
I also think if he doesn't introduce you to them, they aren't friends but potential bedmates. That doesn't count if she lives overseas or what not.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I think you need to take some time to decide whether you trust your boyfriend or not.
It is very possible to have strictly platonic friendships with the other sex. I used to have a female friend that I would class as a best friend and nothing ever happened between us, so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 Yes it is normal. I have friends both male and female and none of them would be ignored because of the relationship that I am in. It's hard to bring everyone up and there are some people that I do not see often at all. His behavior that you have described seems to indicate that these are just female friends.
Now if you find them staying over at his place or the other way around that would be a problem.
You have to decide whether or not you trust your boyfriend. You can't ask him to throw away his friends but you do have the choice to act based on how you feel about his friends.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 June 2014):
 It really depends upon whether or not they are wearing clothes.....
HOWEVER, please not that "whether or not they are wearing clothes" is a fleeting status, and can change at the drop of a hat.
If you were my Sister, I'd tell you not to move in with such a creature.....
Good luck...
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