A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night and I'd like some help working out where to go from here please.We have been together for almost 5 years now, and at the moment we don't live together. He asked me to move in about a year ago, but I said no because he has always been evasive about our future and if I ask him about marriage/kids (just to get an idea of what he thinks about that) then he says 'maybe one day' but doesn't elaborate. So I told him I'm not willing to move in until he's sure he sees a future with me. I know that hurt him a lot, but since then things have been going ok for the most part.Then, a few months ago, he started talking about how he hates this country and wants to travel the world/possibly emigrate. He now says this regularly, and has asked me to go but this is not something I have ever wanted to do. Again, I've tried to find out his plans several times (ie if this is something he is likely to do or if it's more of a fun dream or maybe a quarter life crisis?) but he is evasive about this too. He doesn't know if he's serious about going, where he would go or how long for.Last night after a few drinks (bad idea I know) I brought the subject up again and it ended up in a huge fight. He said he feels lonely because of his working patterns, the fact his family have all moved away, and the fact I don't stay over at his regularly and he feels like he's not in a relationship sometimes. He actually referred to our relationship as a joke. While I can see his point on the fact that I don't stay over much, and on reflection I suppose I've been starting to hold back more and more because I'm expecting him to up and leave me eventually, I don't feel I should become more emotionally invested until he can at least tell me what his plans for the future are. So it's kind of a catch 22 situation. It also doesn't help that he works very unsociable hours and also plays in a band do he spends a lot of time on his own during the day while most people work and vice versa with the evenings. His working patterns have forced me to fill my life with other activities as I spend most evenings alone, but he has started to get annoyed if he gets a night off and wants to see me and I have plans already. I told him that his hours are his choice and that since most people work days, there's nothing I can do to prevent him feeling lonely during the day. He said he doesn't want to change his hours, and asked why I don't change mine instead. I would actually consider it if I could but I have a manager job in a financial services firm so business hours are the only way for me unless I change career and go to work in a bar or something. I've worked very hard to get where I am and I'm doing well which is another reason why I don't want to up and travel for years (I've offered regular holidays as an alternative but he doesn't want that).He also expressed issues with the fact that I live with my parents again now (I'm 28 and moved back in to save to buy a place. I suppose I have let it drag on hoping in that time maybe me and my boyfriend would reach a decision about living together which hasn't happened). He accused me of being a baby and saying I should move in with him, be an 'adult' and let go of my parents. That hit a nerve with me because I'm actually a bit embarrassed about the fact I live at home. The truth is I've almost got enough money to buy my own place now, and I'd love to have my own place, but I feel that if I do move out alone I'll do even more damage to my relationship by not moving in with him. But the same issues between us exist and my gut is telling me not to live with him until he can at least say he sees me in his future. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but that's all he will say. So I feel trapped and not sure what to do. I don't know, maybe I am being a baby and should just take the risk and live with him? He keeps telling me there are no guarantees.He also brought up the fact that his parents moved away, and he hinted that my close relationship with my family bothers him because he doesn't have that. Especially when I told him that my relationship with my sisters/parents is a big factor in why I wouldn't emigrate. He asked me why I should expect him to stay here so I can have a close relationship with my family when he doesn't have that? I think that's unfair and it's not like he wants to move to where his parents are either, so he wants none of us to have it.I suppose this whole issue comes down to the fact I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't see me as 'the one', and he'll eventually leave me. He won't confirm or deny, but I don't want to end a relationship with a man I really love to find he stays here anyway and he just needs some support to get through a difficult time. I actually asked him about this last night and he said he doesn't know what 'the one' is. Which I suppose is fair but he should know after 5 years if he sees a future with me shouldn't he? Or am I putting too much pressure on him about this?I really don't know where to go from here. Things seem so messy and I don't know how to fix it. Can we even fix it? I just want him to be honest and tell me where I stand and if he loves and wants me as much as I want him. I also don't want to be selfish and make it all about me if he is really struggling with his loneliness, but again he won't talk to me properly and seems to think I should fix this by doing what he asks. Do you think I'm wasting my time waiting for him to tell me he sees me as part of his life in the future? Because that's all I want. I'm hurting so much right now.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I am pretty sure it is the same poster, the similarities would be uncanny.
I don't think this is fixable, but if it were, I also don't think you could do any fixing by just passively waiting in the hope that some day he comes around and wants the same things you want.
You wrote a few months ago, we have been dating :4 and a half years, he does not want to commit , he wants to travel... today you write us : we have been dating 5 years, he does not want to commit, he wants to travel ( and he has not gone anywhere )- I can see you writing here again, in 6 months : we have been dating 5 and a half years, he does not want to commit , he wants to travel ( and he is STILL not going anywhere ).
The time is yours, and the patience too, - your choice- but if you should ask me, I'd say that you are making a very bad use of both...
A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (16 June 2014):
On one hand he is willing to make the huge change of emigrating. On the other not willing to change his daily working hours to better your relationship. That just does not make sense to me.He could be clear that you are his life choice; "the one" but he chooses not to be. I think you need him to be more definite all round and show determination to mould your lives together. Maybe emigrate, maybe have a future together, maybe this, maybe that. This isn't good enough because you can't work with it.I do think he would like to stay with you, but he hasn't started considering the important aspects of a committed relationship, such as children and joint goals. Instead he wants you to keep things as they are and accommodate his rather shambolic, teenager style of life. One idea is you could have a trial period of say 2 months staying at his. But it still doesn't bode well that you will hardly see him. What a shame.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): I recalled this post from some months ago.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/after-four-years-of-dating-he-still-avoids.html
Not sure if you're the same poster but there's some more food for thought
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): I agree with Honeypie. You're at a complete stalemate.
You NEED him to propose and make plans for children before you can take the relationship forward .
He NEEDS to spend more quality time with you and know that you are accepting/supportive of his dreams before he can propose.
Whose needs/dreams should come first? It's an unanswerable question...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 June 2014):
 I don't think you can fix this.
After 5 years you two came to a fork in the road - it's become more and more clear that what you want and what HE wants are not a common goal you went right, he went left.
I think it's UNREALISTIC of him to suggest that you JUST change job so you can spend more time together. That suggest to me, that he doesn't respect or care about all the HARD work YOU put into your education and career.
Him asking you to move in wouldn't mean more time together, because you still have YOUR work hours and he would have his, HOWEVER, you would share the bills with him ... and the chores.
I think it's OK to move in with someone without expecting that it will lead to marriage. BUT I also think it's OK to not want to move in unless you are both working on a common goal. After 5 (FIVE) years he OUGHT to know if marriage to you is something he wants or not - instead he pulls the "maybe one day".... Now if he said I can SEE us getting married in a couple of years, but the maybe is a snotty way of not committing but not quite denying it. So it GAVE YOU hope that MAYBE there is a chance.
I can see why he is hurt by you rather moving in with your parents then with him, but.. it also MAKES perfect sense.
Then we come to the emigration thing. SOME people have the travel bug. I was one of those people. I "emigrated" to the US. I have travelled a lot before marriage. NOT everyone wants to be away from family and friends. I actually would have loved to move away for a LOT shorter time then it has been, and honestly if given the choice I'd rather live in my home country over the US. ANY DAY. So he might have the travel bug but he might find that home IS better - he won't know unless he travels.
I think you have been wanting to let him go for a long time, but you still LOVE the guy and HOPE he will give you what you want, I don't think he will. And if he tries he will resent you. IF you try to do HIS way, you will resent him.
It's a lose/lose situation.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Maybe that "fight" was the Good Lord's way of getting you to step back and assess the situation.... BECAUSE....
.... this guy has given you CLEAR EVIDENCE that he doesn't plan to spend his future/life with you... as long as you will tolerate him having a "shadow" self.... which self can be as active as he wishes with other women.... since you don't seem to be willing to "put his feet to the fire" and either tell you that he sees a future with you... or, that he wants to be free to do as he pleases...
You can do better.
Good luck...
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