A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hate long distance relationships and i promised myself not to have one again.. this one was unexpected and i plan to move hours away to be with her with quitting my job in the process..We've been talking for a year now and have met a few times. She has 2 children, 2 and 5 with her ex bf. she was married for a year before that... We've talked about moving and it has to be me to move because she cant move a certian distance away from her ex because of the children. children aside because thats a different topic altogether but feel free to comment there if you want.. I feel the need to hear the other side of the story from 1 or two of the old exs to find out why they broke up. Apparantly the last one cheated on her... as theres always two sides to the story. I feel the need to find out because 1)her ex has regular contact because of the children, 2)i dont want to quit my life her, move there and start a family and then want to find out things later on.So i've been thinking about making contact with them to make sure history doesnt repeat itself? i'm not in the mood of being 'tricked' again..
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe tells me she's always been loyal to her partners but i have a feeling she cheated on her first husband, working on the birthday on her oldest child with her boyfriend at the time, she was still married to her husband...
i cant stand cheats and liars...how do i clear this up??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): I think it is very important to find out about past relationships and why they didn't work out because, it will reveal a lot of important information about the person's character. Now granted, they may not tell you the truth or they might tell you part of the truth by making it seem as though it was the other persons fault as to why the relationship ended. I am going to use a person I dated as an example: he told me that his previous relationship did work out because, the woman was a cheater, he didn't trust her and that she was materialistic. When I probed for more questions he said he didn't want to talk about it. Well, come to find out (after months of dating), when this guy and his ex first hooked up, he was using her for sex for months on end; she wanted a relationship, but he didn't..now he claims he told her that in the beginning, but I don't know how true that is. The ex started telling everyone they worked with that they were a couple and etc. So after months using her for sex, he told me that when he finally decided to get "serious" with her, he discovered that she was cheating on him...and she cheated several times until finally he broke it off for good one day..this is..after he has sex with a close family member, he then tried to influence his ex and a close friend of hers to have a threesome...at any rate, he broke up with the girl and it destroyed her which is why she started doing crazy things afterwards. Now, what this guy didn't tell me was the REAL reason why she probably cheated and it was because, he wasn't a good boyfriend towards her...he wouldn't take her out on dates, he would ignore her, she would catch in lies, all he wanted to do was work, get drunk and party with is friends, he was very lazy in the relationship, thus she got fed up with his bull crap, and she cheated, he found out, she begged for him to take her back, he did, but with bad intentions according to him...he would take her back and use her like a "slave" cooking his meals, going to get his lunch at work, having sex when he wanted too, talking bad about her behind her back to his friends (he even told one of his friends that she was good in bed and that he should try her), trying to get her to buy him some boots that he had wanted. So the point I am trying to make here is that, although the ex cheated, the guy I dated also played a major part in why things didn't turn out right because, he was using her from the beginning, but when he told the story to me at first, he made it seem as though he was so in love with this particular ex, and she broke his heart by cheating even after he gave her several chances, when the truth of the matter is that he never wanted a relationship with her nor did he love her...he had got use to having her around, the sex was good and he was able to manipulate her into doing things that he wanted...basically, she was a doormat for him esp. after she cheated on him. And this wasn't the only relationship or dating exp. that went bad for this guy....I discovered that he has never had a successful relationship with any woman and that his own sister said that he was the reason why he couldn't keep a girlfriend because, of the type of person he is. So, when we started having problems, I started to mentally examine and compare them with his part relationships and I discovered that the same problem those ex's had with him, were the same issues I was having with him as well...so it wasn't so much that those women were to blame soley because, this guy played his part in ruining the relationship too.
It's always important to find out about past relationships as it can be a good indicator of what's to come in the future. I know people change, but it's rare, and if they do, something major has to happen in they're lives. If your girlfriend doesn't want to share that information with you, then to me it means she has something "important" to hide, thus, I wouldn't go very far in this relationship nor would I invest any emotions into until the truth is revealed. You have every right to know..
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 I think you will ruin your relationship if you go to her ex and ask him why they broke up - so unless you want to lose her then dont do it!
You are in a relationship with her, you want to move to be closer to her - so I assume you love her? And therefore if you love her, you really should trust her. And if you trust her, that means that you will accept her reasons for the break up with her ex and you wont need any further details from the ex. Going to her ex for more details is basically saying to your partner "I dont believe your story and I value the opinion of a man who hurt you over you." Think about how that will make her feel! My bet would be that she would end the relationship there and then, I know if I were her and my boyfriend spoke to my ex to find out his side then I would kick him to the curb right away!
A relationship is nothing without trust, and she has been good enough to explain her past to you (which she didnt even need to disclose) therefore that should be more than enough for you.
What I really think is going on is that you have been hurt in the past and are tainting your current partner with the same brush as the women that have hurt you before. You say you dont want to be "tricked" again - but dont elaborate on what actually happened to you. But regardless of that, you cannot go around thinking all women are the same and whatever happened to you before, the chances are it wont happen again.
Trust your partner, and trust in your feelings for her. You must really love her if you are willing to move for her, therefore just trust in your feelings and trust yourself that you have fallen for a good person.
I think you are just worried about making this major change in your life and you are panicking, and are now taking it out on your girlfriend and thinking she is the same as all the women that have hurt you before. Taking risks are never easy, and a massive life change like this is going to be very scary. But you dont get the good things in life unless you take risks, and just go for it. Yes she might hurt you, in a new way you never thought possible. Or she might be the best thing that ever happened to you and you live happlily ever after.
But no ex can predict the future for you - regardless of their story.
So what you need to do is have a chat with her and tell her how you are feeling. I dont know if you have told her what has happened to you in your past, regarding this "tricked" thing, but talk about it and tell her that you love her, you trust her but you are worried about making such a massive life change all for her when bad things have happened to you in the past. I am sure she will reassure you and make you feel so much better about your decision. Everyone has moments of doubt and worries when they are making a massive change like this, so she wont be upset or annoyed that you are feeling this way because it is totally normal. But I'm sure you know the key to a good relationship is communication, and when you are having doubts or worries the best thing to do is to express them to your partner. If your partner knows how you are feeling then you can work together to resolve the situation.
But if you keep her out of the loop and just go straight to her ex then you are betraying her and she will probably never forgive you. So do the right thing and talk to HER instead of the ex, it will be the best thing for your relationship.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 September 2010):
 I am not sure I understood exactly what you are planning to do..
Don't tell me that you really have in mind to call your gf's ex and ask him : Hey, is it true that you cheated on your ex ( and my current ) gf ?
What if he says "no,in fact she cheated on me " out of spite, or because he's jealous, or just a real d...head who likes to stir up trouble ?... What if he has an ax to grind with your gf and want to blame her for the break up ?
Whom would you believe, the ex or your gf ?
And how would you explain to your gf that you went behind her back to check on her past , and on the truth of what she says ?
I think maybe you love her, but surely you don't trust her.
And if you feel you can't trust her, surely quitting your life as it is now, and moving to be with her, it is rather hazardous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): Whatever your girlfriend did in her past is no guarantee or omen for the future. We all have bagage and have all made mistakes. What you do need to know is how YOU feel about her and whether YOU trust her... Based on what you wrote you're not ready to make the move but can't pinpoint why. Sounds need an outside factor to rationalize an instinct you have. DOn't focus on somebody else or the past. Ask yourself what YOU want NOW. That's all that matters.
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