A
female
age
36-40,
*ovebird1
writes:Hi dear agony aunts,I am bisexual and got single one year ago. I decided not to get serious again until I know myself and have had some fun and experience.I started this affair with this guy. And we both agreed that we never want to make this an exclusive relationship and that it's all about sex.And when I started it, I was happy about this arrangement. In fact, I was the one who was ranting on and on about how relationships suck and how I'm not a romantic person. And he's got a very different lifestyle than me. I'm very outgoing, he's not. I'm living very healthy, he's all fast food and smoking and drinking. I'm very talkative, he's very quiet. I'm adventurous, he's looking for the one.The things we share are rare but important: We like the same things in bed and we like to talk together. But despite this being "just for fun", I'm thinking about him all the time. I spend hours listening to the music he likes, I dream about him touching me. I love to have sex with him but I also look forward to stay the night and just sleep next to him.There are about three cute guys which would like to date me but I don't care at all. So, could it be that I am falling for this guy? Or is it just a kind of sentimental feeling, some reminder of how it would be to be in love? Is it the good sex that leads me to a false conclusion?How could I find out? And most important, what should I do? Any answers will be appreciated.
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female
reader, lovebird1 +, writes (4 May 2011):
lovebird1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear PM,
Thanks for your answer, I don't have any doubt you're right about what you say.
It's very unlikely he'll change his mind about me being an affair.
It's just, I can't help it. And I don't know what to do. But I'll hang on and hope things turn out better than I fear.
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Emotions can be a funny thing, in that, when you feel something, the general tendency is to find a logical reason for why you feel it. Because you're feeling an attachment and bond with this guy, your natural instinct is to find a reason for why you have this attachment instead of considering that it may be a natural response to sex."To me, the main problem isn't lifestyle.. I mean, if you love each other you'll find compromises, right?"It's true that compromising is something that can happen naturally in relationships, but there's a difference between a compromise (i.e. changing a small part of yourself) and changing who you are. Compromising can help a relationship survive but changing who you are does not. In the end, you will make a choice on whether or not you're going to pursue this guy further based on whatever you think is best, be it how you feel or what you think and it's something that I encourage you to do. There's lots of passion in your relationship right now and there's a possibility that it may become something more. In my experience, however, people don't like redefining relationships and trying to make something more out of friends with benefits tends not to work.
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A
female
reader, lovebird1 +, writes (3 May 2011):
lovebird1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear PM,I guess you are right about it being the chemicals - but doesn't it mean something if somebody causes me to release so much of them? I know I sound illogical, but I mean.. I don't know.. I just can't help it, even though I'm trying to be rational. To me, the main problem isn't lifestyle.. I mean, if you love each other you'll find compromises, right? But if this all started as an affair and I was actually the one going on and on about how unwilling I am to attach myself to someone in the near future.. How will I continue this? He probably thinks I'm a kind of coldhearted nympho. Told him all my nasty secrets, e.g. when I slept with people on drugs and other stuff. It was because I wanted to impress him. Make him think I'm all dirty and horny and wild child. Which is partly true, but just partly. For a really nice guy who'd treat me as good as he does, I'd give up all the other things. At least that's how I feel now, when I think of him.. but I'm not sure if I can do that, plus I feel like I shouldn't even consider the option of being with him cause I already convinced him I'm a total slut.I guess he wants to have a total slut for now but secretely dreams of a little cute angel/virgin to come along someday.
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (1 May 2011):
It's the sex that's leading to these feelings.
Sex causes the release of lots of different chemicals in our bodies. Some of these chemicals (like oxytocin) can create feelings of attachment.
You might feel like you're falling for him, but it's really the chemicals from the sex working.
These feelings are one element of a relationship, but aren't everything. If you choose to pursue something further with him, I suggest considering how compatible your lifestyles are.
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