A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel... well let me just say that "I feel" and I am comfortable and yet off balance.My question is this, and I've seen it asked here before... but I will ask it again.I am in love with a friends wife. I have been for 3 years (which is the duration of time that I have known her). From the first moment I met her I was connected to her in a way that I have never been to anyone before. Not physically, but emotionally, and in some way almost spiritually. (NO, unfortunately I have never felt this connection with my wife who I have been married to for four years).I have dismissed these feelings and never been involved with her. I have always cared for her in a way that I knew was/is deeper but have made a conscious effort to only be her friend, nothing more. We spend a lot of time together as couples and I care very much for them both. That said I have recently found out that she has always felt the same way... moment of weakness or whatever you want to call it she revealed this to me in a conversation not long ago.I did not pursue her, nothing has happened between us.I felt since I met her that had I met this woman first I would most certainly be married to her... but this is not the case.I am burdened by thoughts of her. I find myself wanting nothing more than to talk to her (which I have forced myself not to do). I want to see her, hear her voice... I thought I could move past this and subdue these feelings the same way I had for the past 3 years. As of yet, I cannot.Life, is so short, and I am still wrestling with the morality of the situation, there is a clear right and wrong, I agree with anyone who says so... but there is an unclear implication as to whether or not there is truly "meant to be" "soul mates" "love of your life" or is there merely choice?Is it fate that has brought me to this point or a culmination of choices... I do not know. I see a connected world and know that I would not even know her were it not for mutual friend of my wife's. We do share a bond, something I have never experienced, but I thought it was just me... knowing now that it was not just me, and it was just something I have created in my mind... I am troubled with sleep, I am distant for my mind wanders to conversations with her... she has shaken the foundations of my world and I am having trouble coping.Do I move on? Do I speak to her about this? Do I have the responsibility to let my wife know(who must notice the changes in me)... has anyone been here before who would like to share their thoughts with me?
View related questions:
friend's wife, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldbiker  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Hi,
My original question is at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-married-but-i-believe-i-have-fallen.html
There is some extraneous junk in there but the basis of the whole story is there. I'm trying to put the whole unhappy mess together which is taking a bit of time. I also think that as you have not created a screen name and just appear as 'anonymous', it is not possible to send you an 'off forum' e-mail altho' I think you can send one to me.
I will try and respond to your own posting later, now that I'm back in the working week there seems to be so little time!
Regards
Oldbiker
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Old Biker,
I feel your pain in that regard.
When I say she is my twin... I am referencing my belief that this woman may well be my twin soul mate... and I believe that we all live or experience the physical world more than one time... I believe I have known her before and that I will know her again.
Based on my belief that this woman is that mirror/twin to my own soul I will consider it a blessing that I have met and recognized her in this life.
It is not without some trepidation that I consider the circumstances with her. But I do recognize that if she is the one I think she is... it would tarnish that beauty to be her with in violation of her and my vows.
All that being said... biker, I break in half every time I leave her. Her touch is like nourishment to my soul. She is the first woman that I truly do not lust for. My attraction and desire for her is more on a spiritual plane. I am wrecked at times over this... she is my thoughts, haunts my dreams, and leaves me empty when I am without her presence.
I cannot say I am prepared to follow the path that I believe is the correct one. I do recognize it though.
I hav'nt read your post (if it is on here)
Do want to talk about your situation with me?
If my words mirror thoughts as well, perhaps I could at least be a sounding board for you.
I hope you are well.
Graham
...............................
A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (6 April 2008):
Hi again,
Apologies but to read your words, "at some point I will be with her again, just not now, and not under these circumstances" is such a parallel to a friendship that I have, that it stopped me in my tracks. I think I know exactly what you are feeling within yourself and about your friend. I have the same belief that some day we will be together, altho' equally I can't see the circumstances where that can happen.
You also sound as tho' you're better set up to deal with it than I have, outwardly all is OK, inside is total turmoil (my 'sad clown' picture tells a story). I even wrote a poem about it (something I haven't done since I was a 14 year old schoolboy), the opening lines were "In another time and in another place", you maybe understand why I have a drawn a parallel with our situations.
I wish you all the best and hope that everything works out in whichever way. And I owe you thanks, you've been a help to me.
Regards
Oldbiker
I think I can be her friend, I really do cherish her, and for that reason... I will let be what will be.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Old Biker, I really do appreciate your taking the time to reply... Thank You!
We have talked several times since. The friendship is ok. We have talked about the what ifs, I will always wonder.
I believe that there is reason is the world and a connectivity in the universe. I think this woman may indeed be my twin (if you believe in such things) In which I would say, at some point I will be with her again, just not now, and not under these circumstances.
I know, she knows, we know it would be wrong to indulge the things we feel and in some way it would cheapen it (if that makes sense)
I think I can be her friend, I really do cherish her, and for that reason... I will let be what will be.
Thanks again old biker, and best of luck to you in your walk in life.
-G-
...............................
A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (6 April 2008):
Sorry for leaving this a couple of days before replying, I found an answer difficult to figure.
I know what you mean about there being something different in your relationship with your friend as there is with your wife, it happens.
I also assume that you and your friend, having discussed your feelings about each other, have agreed that this is as far as it will go. I think you will both have a problem with this. You are all friends, you all see each other regularly (I assume) and thus you and friend are with each other, you will always want to know what could have happened. There is always a chance that it could, all it needs, is a day when things aren't going well for you both and you have another couple of drinks together.......
YOU will need to have the determination to ensure that it doesn't go further, that, I believe, may be very difficult.
Tread very carefully.
Best regards
Oldbiker
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOld biker... thanks again for your reply.
So she called me first thing this morning... and admitted "remembering" more than she had before.
We talked about it, but I didn't push. I allowed her to leave out the parts that were truly "inappropriate"
It is not that I have a relationship with her that I do not have with my wife... it is that I feel something with her that I have never felt. It is a vulnerability, a weakness, an understanding, it scares me as much as it "warms" me.
I think the conversation today secured a stability in the friendship... but it was also an admission that she remembers 'in vino veritas" I am not sure which is worse... knowing that she feels the same... or knowing that I will never know the "what might have been"
and now I face... a greater question... knowing that what I have felt that I have never felt... how do I stay where I am?
Thanks again for your reply
...............................
A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (2 April 2008):
Hi,
You mentioned that you both had been drinking at the time of her disclosure, you are friends, you've known each for a few years, a couple of glasses of wine, a relaxed atmosphere, maybe that made her say more than she would have done. And, of course, in the cold light of day, she doesn't remember what she said. I suspect that she does remember but probably realises where confirming what she said will lead. I think women (in general) altho' supposed to be the more romantic of the species are also more practical in a relationship, we males still suffer from the hunting tendency. But you have told her how you feel, it's easy to say that you shouldn't have but (like me!) you felt you had to. What you did (and I'm not being critical) is transfer your guilt to her (been there, done that, got the t-shirt). The response is negative, you now have to back off and try and get the relationship between the four of you back to married friends but ensure you don't try and ignore her, she'll notice and so will everybody else.
You say that you found a hidden relationship that you don't have with your wife, OK I take that on board but there are relationships that you have with your wife that you don't have with your friend and you don't know if you ever will (even if you got together). Try and build on what you share with your wife, after only 4 years, you have a lot to explore together. I'm approaching 36 years of marriage and we're still finding new things to do together, both in and out of the bedroom.
Your feelings for your friend will stay with you, you will hurt, every time you see her, you will hurt, only time will take the edge off it if you can't channel your thoughts etc. elsewhere.
I know the pain you will feel (I'm there just now).
All the best
Oldbiker
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOld biker,
Thanks for taking the time to reply. This has been on my mind with a lot of frequency lately. I actually spoke with her today.
We had been drinking at the time we had our moment of disclosure... Her comment "I really didn't remember what we said" To be honest I was somewhat hurt by it, but have decided it was the best outcome. It is an easy way out, though I know not the truth.
I am hurt by it, but understand. What I am left with... is this realization. I feel something with her that is deeper than what I feel with my wife. Though she may have thought better of what she said or she may not remember (who am i to say?)... but I remember every word, and I meant them.
So I will deal with the emotions that are attached to that... what now to do about where I am. If nothing else this moment of uninhibited honesty has exposed a hidden emotion that I am without in my relationship with my wife.
For anyone who has taken the time to read and reply... or anyone who after this may do the same. Thank You!
...............................
A
male
reader, oldbiker +, writes (1 April 2008):
Hi,
One thing I think you may have to remember that what you don't have is always far more enticing that what you do have. It becomes far more difficult when you're in contact with that on a regular basis, you're so close to it, it appears to be just a fingertip away, but!
Now is the time to think about the consequences of taking it any further, if you explore the relationship and you both decide you feel the same way, then you're involved in two divorces with all the blame and hate that will result. You may think that you could have an affair together? There is no way that you won't get found out and even if divorces don't result, the trust in both relationships has gone and they are ruined. I do know how you feel in some respects, I have been in a similar situation altho' I was not in as close proximity to my friend as you are to your friend's wife. It's six months since I last saw her and my thoughts are still full of her, I can't get her out of my mind. Your problem is that unless you can decide to run the risk of the divorce option, the closeness is going to drive you nuts. Assuming that you don't want the bloodbath of divorce, then you have no option but to try and improve your relationship with your wife. I'm not saying that you're bored with her but you need to try and get back the freshness of your relationship. Your friend's wife is 'new', you need to try and get that 'new' into your own relationship with your wife.
This is maybe not what you wanted to hear but work on your current relationship.
Regards
Oldbiker
...............................
|
