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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Would it be fair to ask for my boyfriend to pay all bills (electricity, gas and water) if he moved in with me? I have a house but have a mortgage. He is wanting us to live together but only gives me options of selling or renting mine out and get one together. This is not an option for me. We are at a stand still right now and i am not sure where it leaves us as he is measuring my commitment to him on whether i sell or rent. He is welcome to move in with me but the extra 15 minute journey to work is all too much. If he pays me rent/board it will feel to him that he is just a renter in my house. I have been trying to think of other options to allow this to work but so he isn't living for free. If he pays the bills but minus any type of rates, which i will pay, it works out that he will only pay about $40-$50 a week (but it will actually be when the bills will come in) and then we go halves in food. Is this fair to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Hi op, ive wanted to add my answer as i also have my own house. I live alone and i do not have a boyfriend. However, i totally agree wit you, u shud not have to sell ur house or rent it out. i, like urself have put my blood, sweat and tears into my house. Not to mention all my savings. I would be gutted to be asked to walk away from this after everyting i have worked for. i have provided a lovely home for myself at a very young age and i feel this is quite an accomplishment. It was by no means easy. So i am on ur side. He should reconsider his position and pay 50/50. mortgage, bills and food. As somebody stated below, he is a grown man!!
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH 50/50, AS SERPICO SUGGESTS?????
Anything less reveals that this guy is a "player" and it's YOU he's playing.....
Can you spell, "budget"?????
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 August 2012):
If he's living there, he should be responsible for half of the expenses if its just the two of you. That includeds everything - mortgage/rent, prop taxes, cable, electric/gas, etc.
There is no gray area here. Very straightforward.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I can't see why you should sell your house, but if he DOES move in he should help out with the bills, that would only be fair. And honestly, if he rather stay with his mom at the age of 31 then drive an extra 15 min a day for work, I would STRONGLY reconsider the whole relationship.
It all comes down to a few things for me. 1. how long have you been dating? 2. can you handle the bills by yourself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): OP a mortgage is basically like rent, he can pay half that and half the bills. If he's your partner then he should pay half the costs unless you are earning a hell of a lot more and don't mind paying the extra.
Why is selling or renting not an option for you and how is an extra 15 minutes in a journey too much? I don't see 15 minutes as that big of an extra commute to be honest, just means he has to be up 15 minutes earlier.
Just out of curiosity OP how long have you been together? Personally I think if it's still a relatively new relationship then asking you to sell a house that you own to move in with a person you've never lived with before could be a massive gamble.
You're probably well aware how it doesn't always work out well when you move in with a person.
Oh and this "We are at a stand still right now and i am not sure where it leaves us as he is measuring my commitment to him on whether i sell or rent."
Is a bit much, I would never in a million years move in with a person who using it as a gauge of how serious I am about them. Only when we're both ready would I even consider it. I'd actually tell him to piss off if those are his reasons. That's not far off emotional blackmail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Hi, i posted the original question.
I dont think i am being selfish or unreasonable. You cant stay i am without all the facts! I have only just built and moved in. It was started before i met him. I have only been jn it for a year. If i sell i would loose a lot of money. All my savings and hardworl down the drain.
He is 31 and lives at home with his mom. He has no money or other property.
The only reason he wont move in with me is because he does not want to travel am extra 15 mins to work.
Also, we have never lived togrther before.
I think it is asking too much.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I think it would be much easier if you just charge rent, bills included. It's so much simpler that way. Charge what you want and what you think is an affordable prize. For example, you can look at the market prize for a room in your area, and cut him a cheaper deal to be nice (since he's probably going to get less privacy living with you than he would had he lived on his own).
Your boyfriend most definitely should not be expected to live with you for free, you're not his mother and he isn't a child. He is a grown man that needs to pay up if he wants roof over his head. And the bills for food etc should be cut evenly at all times. I suggest you have a bank account, or a credit card, that you both transfer the same amount of money too, and then use that money for all things that you both need (such as food, soaps, dishwasher powder etc.).
But, you should also consider selling your house and buy one together. That way you both get a chance to invest money in real estate, whereas now you're just investing and he isn't. Or perhaps include him in your mortgage? I think his concern might be that he wants to own something, and have his name written on a piece of paper that gives him rights to something more permanent than a rental.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Why wont you sell your house and buy one with your partner? I actually think he isnt being unreasonable here, he wants to buy a house with you so that he can share it with you and start a new life with you, rather than just being a lodger in your home where it is built on your previous life before you met him.
Many couples do this, if they have had their own individual houses they will sell them rather than one moving in with the other, so they can build a new life together in a new house where you both love the new house you are living in.
I would feel the same as your boyfriend, I wouldnt want to pay my other half rent to be in their place, I would want to feel like we share the house equally and we can both put our stamp on it.
So I dont really understand why you wont compromise on this, why cant you sell your house and buy a new one with your boyfriend? If work is the problem, why cant you buy a new house close to your current one?
I think you are being unfair to your boyfriend by not selling your house. Regardless of him paying the bills etc he is not going to be happy in your house as he will always know it is YOURS and not 'OURS' (i.e. him and you). If you value this relationship I suggest you think carefully about this, buying a house together should be fun and a good thing to do. Relationships are all about compromise, and if you are not willing to compromise by holding onto your house well this does not give you much hope for this relationship in the future.
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