A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In short, there's this girl that my man was in love with before him and I became an item. He's stayed friends with her after claiming to be over her. Their close contact bothered me, and I wrote about it on here even, to ask if this should be something I should talk to him about. He wanted to go camping alone with her. Everyone on here told me to dump him (which I also did, just read on). He also kept sending her texts late at night. Not long ago I found out information from HER about private things that he hadn't told me, his girl. Instead he had gone to her with it. He claimed she had misunderstood the situation. I told her I didn't like their communication and that she was stringing him along. She acted all "friendly" and even sent me a heart in a text telling me she knows how hard it is when someone you love is in love with someone else. Then kept up her regular communication with him. Obviously she loves the attention, and he's either too gullible to realize, or actually loves the attention she gives him in return. It has come to the point where I have deleted both him and her off of facebook because their inside jokes bothered me. He's tried to convince me over and over that he's over her. But everything points to him not being over her. I ended the relationship with him some time ago, but we're back communicating and getting to know each other more, trying to solve the problems we had. I still find this girl to be a huge problem. It's not all in my head, their intimate contact is something friends of mine have commented on as well. I have talked to him about it being a problem, but he doesn't know what to do to convince me he's over her, so he says. He also asked me what should he do to make me trust him, trust that he cares for me and that he's over her, because he's unable to come up with things on his own. I ask this question because I've always been of the conviction that you don't make someone choose between friends or girlfriend. I hoped he'd chose me by himself, but he hasn't cut any contact with her. So can I ask him specifically to cut her out? He's directly asked me what he can do, I don't think he realizes that he needs to cut her out or treat her like more of a friend and less like a "special friend". Not ignore her completely, but to stop at least 2 of his activities with her, one being sending texts late at night (after 11pm and to 4 pm, they actually text all night some nights, I've been trying to sleep next to him while his phone goes off). And the other to stop sending her messages on facebook every day? Maybe ask him to limit it to once a week? He claims he rarely uses facebook, yet he responds to her messages all the time and share inside jokes with her out in the open. Which is why I had to delete them both to avoid seeing it and letting it get to me.Some of you might say why bother... but if he's actually over her, and actually cares for me, then this shouldn't be too much to ask? And if he doesn't want to do it then it shows he was all full of words? I'd rather he did it instinctively, but I'm thinking maybe there's a chance he doesn't know that there are practical things he can do to make me feel better?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): Chances are he won't let her go because he doesn't want to. Plain and simple as that. He wouldn't be bothered with her if he didn't care about her! Save some of your pride girl n dump him
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): We can't control other people, we can try but it leads to unhappiness in most cases. Some people, men in particular, have a need to have their ego constantly stroked and so on. This sounds more like they still have a deep attachment and it's intolerable in your relationship. Tell him that you need him stop the texting etc. and reduce contact with her at the least if he wants you to remain his gf. You need a good night's sleep and being his gf isn't worth losing that is it? Being his gf isn't worth having to be a watch dog is it? Ask him why he is going to her to share things and not to you, is there something you're not giving him? He may choose her over you, but do you really want someone who doesn't know what he wants and who waffles between different women? He must be encouraging her attention obviously so he wants to keep her as an option while he gets most of his needs met by you, that is my guess.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 I have constantly over the years asked my husband to cease contact with his female friends and exes because I don't trust them and it makes me feel very insecure. My husband does not like it and says that he can talk to anyone he wants as he is a grown man. I don't feel comfortable about it and anytime I find he has spoken to them it immediately develops into a full scale row. Before we got married he used to speak to one particular woman all the time and I told him if contact with her did not cease the marriage would not take place or be over very quickly. They had known each other for many years and it was all a bit more than he would ever let on. He has cut contact with her (or so he says) but he hates me for it. Your situation is so awful I would immediately tell him he has to cease any contact. The fact that she tried to be friendly with you is something I have been through where the woman tries to be nice so she can show your boyfriend that she is a great person and only trying to get along with both of you and that his girlfriend is the one who is being difficult and unfriendly!!. Complete bullshit and any man who can't see through it does not deserve having time spent with them. He has taken this too far with you and needs to stop contact asap. I would not put up with it for a second longer. No doubt he will say you are controlling and make up other excuses and say nasty things etc but this guy's behaviour is so bad I wouldn't put up with it for a minute longer.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 I agree with Ciar - you cant tell him what to do, but you cant put up with this either. So the approach of 'this is what I expect from a partner' is the best way to do it, so he can decide if he can match your expectations or not.
If I were you I would just tell him my thoughts on what appropriate behaviour with a friend of the opposite sex (especially an ex) should be, and what I will and wont tolerate.
Then leave it up to him to make the call whether he can do this, or whether his opinions on friendships with ex's are different and he doesnt want to match your ideas on the matter.
But I'll be honest here, it doesnt sound to me like he is at all over her and she isnt over him either - texting throughout the night to a member of the opposite sex is a clear sign they are more than just friends. I think you might be fighting a losing battle here....
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 You're right about not trying to make HIM choose between friends and girlfriends. YOU are the one who must decide when, and in whom, to invest yourself.I don't have high hopes for a promising future with this guy, but anything is possible and if you're determined to try then I recommend you be realistic, and fair to yourself. You have valid reasons to be concerned about this 'friendship' so don't force yourself to settle just to be 'fair'. Begrudgingly tolerating their coommunication with umpteen conditions is a headache waiting to happen. It requires too much of your time and energy to enforce. It will breed resentment in him and continued uncertainty in you. Besides, if his vice was heroine instead of this 'special friend' would you really be okay with it as long as he limit it to the hours of 4-10pm on alternating evenings? Heroine is as harmful to a relationship as is a so called 'friend' who repeatedly crosses the line. Don't make allowances for either.Instead of telling him what HE must do, tell him what you want from a partner (in general) and let him decide if he wants to be that partner. Be honest about what you're willing and able to live with. Then let HIM come up with ideas on how to improve things. Why should you do all the work?
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