A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Do any of you think it's ever a good idea to get back with an ex?I broke up with my ex in February (after we had been together for a year) and starting in June we had about 6 months of no contact. (fyi, he's 29 and i'm 23) Neither one of us had any desire to date anyone else during that time.We reconnected this weekend after I ran into him in the grocery store, and then he took me out to dinner and we kissed (we didn't have sex though). He told me he still loved me and I told him I still love him (which is 100% true). And now I'm wondering if it's worth it to try again? But I know that love isn't enough to make a relationship work. I broke up with him at the beginning of this year because I was very insecure about his past relationships (he's the only guy i've been with), because he was much less adventurous than I am (traveling makes him nervous and I like to travel everywhere), and because he said some hurtful things to me in the beginning of our relationship that I had a hard time letting go of (even though he apologized for them). But now I'm wondering if it's possible to work through those things? When we were together we talked about marriage and kids, and he was completely devastated when I left him. I know I've been working a lot on my confidence/insecurity issues by seeing a therapist…but are there some things about a person that will never change? What are things that are reasonable to change in a person vs. things that will probably never change? Please help! I feel so torn. I rarely talk to my friends about this because I'm sure they're tired of me talking about the same ex for the past year. Normally I don't have such a hard time making decisions, but I just don't know what to do with this situation.PS. I often read advice that says, "Do you miss your ex or do you miss the relationship?" and I honestly don't know the answer to that question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): This is the OP again.
WiseOwlE--thanks a lot for your answer.
I know I have some serious introspection to do. Your advice was very helpful--I realized how important it would be for my ex and I to make sure our issues from the past were resolved so that we could move forward with a clean slate.
I will do my best to be honest with myself and with my ex. Thank you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): There are several factors to consider before getting back with your ex.
It is quite important how and why you broke up in the first place. There may be hidden or buried resentment that could resurface. If you don't know how to forgive, you're wasting your time.
If the reasons you broke up go unresolved; you are only hiding the wound behind a bandage. You can't change over-night. If you're seeing a therapist about issues with insecurity; you may be getting back together prematurely. Removing the bandage before the wound is fully healed.
Another factor to consider; compatibility. People miss each other and rationalize that they can just bypass all the little quirks. Just avoid fighting. They will all start again, when you come out of the haze.
You miss him and you both profess love. However; that love wasn't strong enough to withstand a few challenges. It isn't always going to be sweet and rosy. You will disagree.
You have to know how to discuss problems, and bring them to resolution. Not just sweep them under the rug until a new fight. Not just bite your tongue and let it ride.
Insecurity kills relationships.
People don't have to bear the burden of dealing with your insecurities. That's your problem, and you have to fix it.
You have no right to expect your partner to give you their best; if you can't return the same. You pay top dollar for broken appliances. You want them in full-working order.
You don't offer people a broken version of yourself; and expect them to take it or leave it. The outcome is predictable. They'll leave you when they've had enough.
Constantly reassuring people is a chore. If there is no trust, there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Try as you may, it will continue to fail.
It is a good idea to get back together; if both parties realize you are starting from a clean slate. The old relationship is buried and dead. You are starting from scratch and have learned from your mistakes. All is forgiven.
You are compatible and capable of compromise.
You have fixed and resolved your differences beforehand.
Incidents from the past will not be used as weapons.
You are willing to work harder than ever to be good and fair to each other.
If you love each other enough, to never take more than you will give. It just might work.
There is a threat to the success of your reconciliation. It was in the final comment:
"Do you miss your ex or do you miss the relationship?" and I honestly don't know the answer to that question.
If you don't know the answer. You aren't ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): I'm the OP--thank you both so much for your answers :)
It really helps to have some unbiased, level-headed second opinions :)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 December 2013):
 you mentioned three reasons why you broke up with him:
1. you were insecure about his past relationships.
2. he didn't like travelling as much as you.
3. he said hurtful things you couldn't let go of.
i will break these three things down individually.
about these insecurities you had; of course, i don't know the whole story behind everything, and have very little to go off of, but as a general rule, this is an issue within yourself - not an issue he caused. if you are insecure within a relationship, that's purely something YOU must take responsibility for and change. it's not his fault that you were insecure about his past. only you can control your jealousy and insecurity. now, don't get me wrong. if he cheated or lied, then this is justified. so the circumstances surrounding this insecurity DO matter.
about travelling. i can see where this is somewhat of an issue. i enjoy travelling, myself. and my partner enjoys it, as well. so we mesh well together. however, if my partner didn't enjoy travelling, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. i would just travel a bit less and maybe we could compromise a bit. either that or i could travel with some friends. however, only you know how important this is to you in a partner. only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you.
lastly, he said some things to you that you couldn't get over. granted, i don't know what he said, but going off of limited information, yet again, i have to state that that is more along the lines of an issue within yourself once again, not him. if he apologized and you were unable to forgive and move on, what else can he do? relationships are built on forgiveness and letting go of hurt feelings. and unless he said something profoundly and overwhelmingly horrendous, i can't understand why you were unable to let it go for an entire year. i think this most likely ties back into your insecuries, if i had to take a wild guess. again, forgive me if i am wrong because i am working with limited knowledge.
based on all of this information, to be honest, i don't see a reason why not to get back together with him. because honestly, he doesn't seem like he's done anything wrong. worst thing he did was not like travelling as much as you. however, if you're still insecure and unforgiving, i'm not so sure the same exact things won't just wind up happening again. don't get back into a relationship if you still have these insecurities and issues. you'll need to continue in therapy and get to a good place, and then maybe consider getting back together once you're ready.
but to be honest, from what i gather, he seems like a good guy. and no offense, but a lot of the issues you two have seem to be stemming from you. eeek.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Is it EVER a good idea to get back together with an ex? Well, in some cases, yes. Sometimes a separation is the right thing to happen for a couple. I will say that this is rarely the case from what I've seen. More often than not, when a couple breaks up they should stay broken. There is more than likely too much resentment to continue.In your situation, I think it might not hurt to try again, from what information you've given. Keep in mind, however, that just because you are getting over your insecurities and such, he may be developing them. You obviously cared about each other a lot, and that could have devastated him- not saying that that is your fault. Be very very cautious of this, because it could just turn into a reversal of your previous issue. The traveling thing could be a bit of an issue, only if you believe that you ALWAYS have to travel with your significant other. If you like traveling and he doesn't, maybe you should discuss you going away on a trip with some friends sometimes to get that adventurer spirit in you satisfied.As for the hurtful things, you can't let words of the past determine your future. I don't know exactly what he said, what context, and how it affected you, but I can tell you that things as minor as an insult or an argument shouldn't destroy something that could be wonderful.A concern here is that maybe, just a possibility, you simply feel such a strong connection because he is the only guy you've been with. I know that after my first real boyfriend and I split (I leaving him) I was so broken. Even though I had ended things, I missed the connection because I had never had that with anyone before. This may or may not be the case with you as well.If you do decide to try again, maybe suggest getting temporary relationship therapy together, to try to work through these issues and rebuild a trusting foundation.I've seen many relationships work through much larger issues (not to belittle yours in any way) and I'm a romantic. I like to think that love can do amazing things.I hope everything works out for you, one way or another. Best of luck!
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