A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I being unreasonable? My boyfriend of 19 months is best man at his best friend's wedding next year . I said he shouldn't go on his stag doo because on past ones my boyfriend went on he went with three different prostitutes when they all went to Prague his friends also took part with the women. I wasn't dating him at this time I bet he wishes he never told me what he got up to but I know hehas done this twice once in Germany also . So I ask you why would I let him go and trust him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): You can't stop him but I wouldn't trust him either.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I agree with the poster who said STD results first when he gets back.
he probably won't be happy with this arrangement but it is what it is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 You were not his gf when these former events happened.
You cannot 'punish' him for behavior he had prior to being your boyfriend. You can try but it's not a good idea and it won't work.
You ask "why would I let him go and trust him?"
why don't you trust him now? the past is over and done...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Firstly, you cannot stop him going...he is the best man.
I guess the best way to handle this is to not date someone who indulges in prostitute sex. It's his call whether he does it or not and if he does, then he cannot have much respect for you or your relationship. Of course he may do it and just lie to you (a lot of guys might do that) but thats what happens when you date someone with a shady sexual past.
Bottom line, you cannot change or control someone else...only they can change or control themselves...and if they don't...then don't date them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 December 2013):
 He's the best man - he's usually the one setting up and THROWING the stag party. To not attend, much less line up the fun, and you might as well ask him to gravely insult his friend and his friend's big day.
He saw prostitutes when you weren't dating him. Now that he is dating you, I'm sure prostitutes are now out of the question. And I agree with Honeypie and lliften - prostitutes?!? Whatever happened to a good old strip club?? You know, the kind with the bouncers that ensure NO HANDS contact?!
You know he has to go, right? But he doesn't have to sleep with prostitutes. That's way out of line.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 I can understand your concern here given his history, but trying to set limits for him is likely to produce unfavourable results. He'll either resist or outright lie.
He may not have cheated but he exercise poor judgment and expose himself to risk. This time you'd be exposed to those risks as well.
You obviously can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. You could, in a non judgmental and matter of fact tone inform him that you'll be intimate with him again when you're certain he's STD free. Then leave it up to him and say nothing more.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 December 2013):
 hi there. i can understand a bit where you are coming from. i'm sorry you're feeling insecure about this.
when he went in times past, was he in relationships at the time? did he cheat?
if not, then technically he did nothing wrong at all but have what he considers to be a good time. altough i am with honeypie - ewww to three prostitutes. lol. but hey, that's just me and i won't judge what someone else enjoys.
if he was in a relationship and he cheated on his girlfriend, then i would say that you have a bit of a reason to be concerned. but still, it's all about how you go about it.
i'll explain.
the way i go about conducting relationships is by treating everyone with as much respect as possible. they had lives before they met you, and now that they are with you, they should still be allowed to have as much of a life as they had before. being with someone should ENHANCE the other persons quality of life - not take away from it. not put restrictions or limitations on it. with that being said, i believe that no one has a right to tell their partner what they can and can't do. we are their partner, NOT their prison guard.
so basically, what i mean is, getting into a relationship shouldn't mean a death sentence to going out and having fun. it should mean that you can still go out and have a blast with the guys/girls now and again and get drunk and get into all the things you got into when you were single, MINUS the sleeping with other people and flirting.
this rule also applies to friends. many people will make the mistake of trying to tell their partner who they can and can't be friends with when they feel threatened. once again, you're not a prison guard, there to order your partner around. they should be able to be friends with whomever they please, so long as neither person is being disrespectful or saying things out of line.
so all that being said, your boyfriend doesn't need to give up having a crazy time with his guy friends just because he's with you. rather, he should still be allowed to go out and have a blast with them. but he needs to know right from wrong and respectful boundaries of being in a relationship while still having fun.
and you have every right to express your concern to him. but there's tasteful ways of going about this. getting in his face and telling him he can't go is simply not the right way of going about this. however, sit him down face to face and explain to him that you love him and that you are a bit uneasy about him going to the stag party (here in US we call them bachelor parties) because you know what he's done in the past, and that you feel a bit insecure. explain to him that you do trust him, and would never tell him what to do, but that you hope he wouldn't be getting into all the same messes he got into last time with the other women. and this leaves the door wide open for him to comfort you and reassure you that he won't cheat on you. and it also makes you a communicator. not a dictator. no body likes a dictator.
then back off and let him have fun.
hope this makes sense.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2013):
 So in your eyes it's better for you to ACT like his mom and tell him :" you can't do this or that"? You really enjoy to micro manage your BF? And IF you say you can't go, what do you think (realistically) he will say or do?
What kind of relationship is that?
I would however SIT him down and talk about boundaries and what is OK and NOT OK on a stag party.
Though,... EWWW on screwing 3 prostitutes, I hope he has been tested afterwards. What kind of stag parties are they having?
Obviously you two need to figure out how to work on trust.
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