A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:SO i have this friend. I asked her out/told her I liked her and she said that she was not rejecting me but literally had no time to make it work, so it would be unfair to the both of us. She said that maybe in the future something may happen but not for now.I was fine with this answer for a few days until I realized that no matter what, if she wanted it badly enough she could find the time. Like I know she'd only have a few hours at most to spare a week but even that would be enough if she wanted it that much.So, a week later, and after agreeing not to be awkward we met. She tried to be pretty normal, I tried not to be, as I was a bit bitter. But still, it went okay, a few awkward silences but not too bad, i could see that she was being as normal as possible. When it was time to go she still did the hug thing which i didn't expect. So not to bad all in all.Now my question is, what is easier for me is to distance myself from her, become cold and unfriendly and destroy what was an amazing friendship (albeit we've only know each other a year). The thing is now that she rejected me I will treat her different since she's just another friend/girl, she's not gf potential anymore. There will not be any extra energy coming on my part.Or theres the harder option, since she said she has no time I can trust her and believe that thats what she means, that she was not being nice and letting me down easy. I can believe that in some time she will come back and want a relationship. So I can keep on flirting and try be the me that she's known for the last months, so try to change as little as possible.What should I do?? Take the easier option and kill it and take the harder option and try to win her again?
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Well, if you are looking for a relationship now, then she is not available. That is the base line. You could hang around and hope but if you do, do not let other opportunities pass by with other girls. I would go down the road of to continue being friendly but slightly distance yourself and begin to look at other opportunities. I am a firm believer that if you want someone then nothing stands in the way. If you had only a few hours to spare each week, then would you have said yes? Of course you would have. So to sum up, don't invest too much time on this and don't let the months pass by on a wing and a prayer. Look at other girls as well and don't let others know you are waiting on this girl either.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 The first option is to punish her now and give up hope for a future. The second is to delay punishing her on the condition that she accepts your advances later. Either way this 'amazing' friend is going to pay. It may not be your intent but that's what your options, as you've described them, add up to.A few hours at most to spend a week leaves her very little time for herself and it isn't nearly enough for a relationship. That's just what you're telling yourself to get your foot in the door. If she really is that busy then remaining friends shouldn't be difficult. You wouldn't have to see her very often so a subtle change in behaviour would be less noticeable and unlikely to cause a rift. It would allow you to adjust your investment without jeopardizing an 'amazing friendship'. You have every right to treat her as you would any friend if that is what she is going to be. In fact it is appropriate that you do so (that means no flirting), but be prepared for her to do the same.On the other hand if this 'amazing friendship' is based almost entirely upon romantic attraction, there isn't much to maintain and forcing it hurts you both. Be a gentlemen and bow out gracefully. Whatever you decide there is no reason to punish her. In fact she's doing right by you in not setting you up for expectation and dissappointment. You're still free to meet someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2011):
 From the "tone" of your submittal... it sounds as if you think that whatever transpires between you and this woman is an "either/or" matter (either you and she are CLOSE FRIENDS; OR you and she must be MORTAL ENEMIES).... AND, from your descriptions, it doesn't sound as if she shares that viewpoint with you.....How about considering something OTHER than the "either/or" concept?.... and imagine, instead, that there is a spectrum of friendship (with the "either" and "or" at opposite ends...) and just relax and stay friendly (read: civil, polite and NOT cold and unfriendly!).... The benefits are that it's more pleasant to be friendly, anyway.... AND, if she ever DOES choose to be any closer to you, you haven't put up any barriers to her approaching you....Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Be her friend for now. I'm sure she was honest with you, but she might not have been. But as a friend of hers, you have to trust that she's telling the truth and respect that not dating you is the best thing for her right now. She may have really wanted to make it work, but it's just not possible right now, so don't try to assume that she has no interest in you just because she has other priorities of her life. If she wants you, she will make time to make it work when she has the time, not when it's convenient for you.
...............................
|
