A
male
age
51-59,
*innyMagoo
writes:Do you think it's best to keep in touch with an ex in a recently broken relationship?I wrote a lengthy post a short while ago (http://www.dearcupid.org/question/are-are-doomed-to-be-better-if-we.html)Should I be keeping in touch with my ex, send her the occasional text, e-mail etc to see how she's doing (in a caring way not a I-want-you-back kind of way) We generally get on well when we have been in touch and I know I'll still need to keep in touch with her to see my step-daughter. Most of the time I'm quite strong and haven't been in touch with her, but usually after 2-3 days I get a message from her. Do you think I should do the same?I know that deep down I am still in love with her and have been trying to move on, but it would be a shame if we came away from our relationship with nothing. I've looked through all the many replies on this forum, including the archives and see that many advise that it's best not to keep in touch if you are still in love with your ex (because you might expect more from the friendship)and others have said it's good to stay friends, keep in touch, etc. I must confess that I got a moment of weakness and called my ex earlier today to ask if she would like to meet up for a meal or a coffee. She said that she would like that and I'm to get back to her with a date and time (need to check my work rota for time off.) I went to a party the other day which my ex knew about (she was invited too but didn't go) The day after the party I went round to her house to take my step-daughter out for the day and my ex started quizzing me about the party, and got angry with me when I wouldn't tell her more than it was a good night. I didn't meet anybody there or do anything wrong, but my ex was acting like I had and wouldn't tell her!!! I didn't push the matter or get into an arguement with her because I thought she seemed jealous and anxious. I have been keeping myself busy and focused on my own life and I haven't been bugging her with phone calls or texts. However, I would like to see more of her, keep in touch, etc but I suppose I should prepare myself for the worst or be aware of the fact that one day she will meet someone new.The other thing that worries me, is if I keep in touch with her will I just be another bloke on her contact list to boost her ego?I was thinking about talking to her mother (who sees her daily) and asking her what her thoughts are. I know she's my ex's mother but she hasn't been biased at all and has remained neutral, which must be difficult for her to be!!Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Sorry to hear that. It sucks.
Yeh i think its like giving up smoking, if you even have just one now n then, when it comes to stopping completely again, its every bit as bad as the last time.
The thing about her moving on, i doubt shes ready for that, but is using it as a way of getting over you. I did that after splitting with someone. And so did my ex. didnt even realise i was doing it at the time. Nor did he. None the less me and the ex ended up back together anyway! And still are together. So there we go. We can all move in mysterious ways at times thats for sure.
Anyway, do the cold turkey and be strong. You do need to look out for you now :o(
Take care
C xxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, TinnyMagoo +, writes (30 November 2007):
TinnyMagoo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, it's been a month since I posted my last message - been quite a rollercoaster ride too!!
Keeping in contact with an ex a good idea? Yes...and No!!
I tried my best to make things work but have had to put closure and end all contact with my ex this week. A really tough decision which has left me feeling all the emotions of a new break-up.
Started off okay - we exchanged texts, had the occasional chat and even saw each other for lunch, tea, etc. Although we weren't close like when we were a couple, we got along fine. Plus, I also got to see my step-daughter a bit more. Although it wasn't great, it was looking good. One day, we were laughing as I teased her about something she said and she laughed "Oooh, and you think I'm taking you back?" as if she was already thinking about it
When did it all go wrong? God knows!! She started off not answering texts, then I got the feeling she was becoming distant. There was something wrong but I couldn't be specific about it. Started worrying me because I thought we might even make a new go of things and get back together. Couldn't see what was wrong.
To cut to the chase, me and my ex had an arguement last weekend and she told me that she doesn't care whether I be friends or not. She asked me "Why do you bother being nice?" (I had bought her a couple of small gifts - little fridge magnets, etc. Bought her some roses when I went to see her in a local stage production) She was asking me as if I was doing something horrible. I told her I was trying to be nice, for us and my step-daughter. She basically threw it all back in my face and then told me that she had started dating!!! Talk about shock!! I was so hurt...how could she? She was very angry that night and really horrible with me. Came away feeling sick and was on the verge of a breakdown. Very low and miserable all week. She's also due to go into hospital for a second operation and I think this has also added to her emotions that night.
So, just when I thought things might be okay, she was actually moving on. She kept telling me that she wasn't serious about the bloke she's dating, but that doesn't matter to me. So painfull. Explains why she was becoming distant with me.
I guess for her the relationship ended earlier this year when she was exchanging those e-mails & txts.
Foolishly, I was living in hope and thought there might, just might, have been a chance for us to work it out. I wish I had thought more openly rather than wasting time and effort trying to win her back. Maybe I was too available for her, like a comfort zone. Maybe I was living in cloud-cuckoo land thinking we would be okay again!!!
So, I wrote her an e-mail telling her that I think we shouldn't keep in touch anymore and give each other some space. Told her that I still care for her and love my step-daughter, but can't handle being friends. Told her to take care, look after herself, etc. Kept it nice but clear in my meaning.
Now, here I am feeling worse than the day I moved out...and facing the little family Christmas I fantasised about, on my own. Deep down, I still love her and my step-daughter but have to think of me and my future now. Look ahead and be strong.
So, to answer my own question - NO, don't keep contact. Not unless you don't expect anything and are prepared for things to change which you can't always control. Go on - say it - "Told You So!!!!!!"
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A
male
reader, TinnyMagoo +, writes (30 November 2007):
TinnyMagoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, it's been a month since I posted my last message - been quite a rollercoaster ride too!!
Keeping in contact with an ex a good idea? Yes...and No!!
I tried my best to make things work but have had to put closure and end all contact with my ex this week. A really tough decision which has left me feeling all the emotions of a new break-up.
Started off okay - we exchanged texts, had the occasional chat and even saw each other for lunch, tea, etc. Although we weren't close like when we were a couple, we got along fine. Plus, I also got to see my step-daughter a bit more. Although it wasn't great, it was looking good. One day, we were laughing as I teased her about something she said and she laughed "Oooh, and you think I'm taking you back?" as if she was already thinking about it
When did it all go wrong? God knows!! She started off not answering texts, then I got the feeling she was becoming distant. There was something wrong but I couldn't be specific about it. Started worrying me because I thought we might even make a new go of things and get back together. Couldn't see what was wrong.
To cut to the chase, me and my ex had an arguement last weekend and she told me that she doesn't care whether I be friends or not. She asked me "Why do you bother being nice?" (I had bought her a couple of small gifts - little fridge magnets, etc. Bought her some roses when I went to see her in a local stage production) She was asking me as if I was doing something horrible. I told her I was trying to be nice, for us and my step-daughter. She basically threw it all back in my face and then told me that she had started dating!!! Talk about shock!! I was so hurt...how could she? She was very angry that night and really horrible with me. Came away feeling sick and was on the verge of a breakdown. Very low and miserable all week. She's also due to go into hospital for a second operation and I think this has also added to her emotions that night.
So, just when I thought things might be okay, she was actually moving on. She kept telling me that she wasn't serious about the bloke she's dating, but that doesn't matter to me. So painfull. Explains why she was becoming distant with me.
I guess for her the relationship ended earlier this year when she was exchanging those e-mails & txts.
Foolishly, I was living in hope and thought there might, just might, have been a chance for us to work it out. I wish I had thought more openly rather than wasting time and effort trying to win her back. Maybe I was too available for her, like a comfort zone. Maybe I was living in cloud-cuckoo land thinking we would be okay again!!!
So, I wrote her an e-mail telling her that I think we shouldn't keep in touch anymore and give each other some space. Told her that I still care for her and love my step-daughter, but can't handle being friends. Told her to take care, look after herself, etc. Kept it nice but clear in my meaning.
Now, here I am feeling worse than the day I moved out...and facing the little family Christmas I fantasised about, on my own. Deep down, I still love her and my step-daughter but have to think of me and my future now. Look ahead and be strong.
So, to answer my own question - NO, don't keep contact. Not unless you don't expect anything and are prepared for things to change which you can't always control. Go on - say it - "Told You So!!!!!!"
...............................
A
male
reader, TinnyMagoo +, writes (30 October 2007):
TinnyMagoo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. I went for a very long walk last night to try and clear my head. Blow the cobwebs away!!!
I came round to thinking that I will keep in touch with my ex and try and keep it friendly, text her & call her now and then. I think it's better to have her in my life as a friend than not at all.
However, I know that this could lead to expectations, emotions running high, etc so I've decided that I'll keep focusing on my life, concentrating on what I want to do, seeing my own friends, etc.
I'm not talking about calling her everyday, popping over for visits, etc, I was refering to the occasional hello, how are you, etc.
I think the key is to stay as friends but don't expect anything more. That way I won't get hurt. She won't either.
I thought I'd try this for a while and see how we go - if it doesn't work then I'll go back to doing no txts, calls, etc.
With regard to us getting back together...deep down I would like that but there would need to be a lot of work from both of us - maybe a councillor?
Think I'll keep her Mum out of it for now too!!!
I know that this is going against what you've all said but I thought it might be worth a try staying friends and seeing how it goes. If it works out - fine, if not I'll move on that extra step.
Thank you all for your help so far - sorry to be a nuisance!!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 October 2007):
HiSounds like you both still have unfinished business in terms of feelings.Tricky situation for you. You could try and stay friends but if you have feelings for her, seeing her get with other guys will be a killer. And the same for her.How are you gonna feel about that. Its quite likely if she did get with someone new pretty soon, its doomed but that doesnt make it any easier for you in the meantime.No chance of you making another go of it you 2?And be careful talking to her mum, she might well be unbiased but you need to watch that you dont leave your ex a bit annoyed that her mum is offering you advice. Us women are complex creatures and ive been in a similar way myself where i wondered why my mum was seeming to 'side' with my ex. Even though in hindsight now, i know she wasnt. It can sometimes be that you put their mums in awkward positions where they dont want to upset anyone!Anyway, you know her mum better thanb us so use your best judgement on that.Keep us posted.C xxxxC xxxx
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