A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. Hope somebody can help me here or if somebody is in a similar situation. I have met a lovely guy who travels alot for his job but when we see each other the time we spend together is great, he is very caring and very affectionate. The problem I have is im very very insecure i have had two relationships this year that have ended badly the last one just stopped contacting me with no reason. All I seem to focus on now is the negativities from my past and its going to affect my new relationship I know it. My new man is at sea at the moment so unable to contact me for a week, so im trying to sort my head before I speak to him again so he doesnt pick up on how im feeling. The last thing i want to do is scare him off by getting too intense and pushy too soon. I suffer with bouts of mild depression and anxiety as it is so that doesnt help. I m just hoping somebody out there has been in a similar situation and been able to get through it. All I would love to do is continue this relationship with my new man naturally taking each day as it comes without this constant feeling that he will do what every other bloke has done on me so far. I would just love to have a normal relationship with somebody without this horrible feeling. Thank you for listening x
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female
reader, Shan14  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I have the same situation. Everything you wrote matched everything about my past and present relationship. Just talk to him about it, that's what I do and my boyfriend reassures me how much he cares about me and ect. but we have a long distance relationship........he just moved back to New Orleans so I've really been worried but we talk about it all the time.
A
female
reader, gmapeaches +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Hmmm... you probably should spend some time on your own.. and counseling might be of some help.. conseling would probably help.. but would i advise you to end current relationship no not so much.. ok so it would have been a good idea to wait it out. Build up your confidence and your hope for the future before you involved someone else in your anxiety.. but that is not what you did.. so lets go forward from where you are.. Relationships are a very risky thing.. always.. they could work.. they may not.. the assumption that it will end it heartbreak is the problem.. you need to.. when you have that negative feeling.. try to remind yourself this is a different guy.. its not fair to charge him with the crimes of all the idiots you chose in the past. For me.. when i got with my current boyfriend, i too was scared.. i had been married, got divorced after 13 years.. dated a string of manipulative losers, gave up.. said no more, not going to put myself through it again.. alone is fine. And there he was.. instant connection.. when he asked me out. i told him straight out.. i just couldn't do it.. couldn't get hurt again.. no unscarred heart tissue left.. he felt the same way.. so we talked.. and after about two weeks he is like i love you and i was scared to death.. i was honest.. when i was scared i told him.. wrote alot of letters.. its easier to choose your words.. if your depression is clinical you should see a dr. if you are just scared like the rest of us.. take baby steps.. be honest.. don't be a cry baby to him. but tell him its hard you care for him and you want it to work. but you get so scared of being hurt, sometimes you just need some reasurrance.. and you know if he is on a ship, he probably needs reassurance too.. that you are his and will be there.. so just be honest.. regardelss of whether this relationship is good or bad.... you have to make the best of every day.. live each day.. you know.. worrying about what could go wrong, is just wasted time.. enjoy him.. so you have no regrets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): HelloI understand how it feels to be in a relationship and have negative thoughts which are just unhelpful to enjoying the time you spend together.I m not sure I would totally agree with the last poster. If you care for this person you shouldn't have to lose him just because you are suffering from distracting thoughts. Sometimes it is braver to walk away but as the saying goes, if we waited until we were totally happy and confident before we did anything, we would never do a thing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): HelloI understand how it feels to be in a relationship and have negative thoughts which are just unhelpful to enjoying the time you spend together.I m not sure I would totally agree with the last poster. If you care for this person you shouldn't have to lose him just because you are suffering from distracting thoughts. Sometimes it is braver to walk away but as the saying goes, if we waited until we were totally happy and confident before we did anything, we would never do a thing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): i can confirm that I raised this question. To answer Egg Heads question, yeah I have had alot of time on my own if im honest havent had a serious relationship in 7 years. the depression is an ongoing thing that im being treated for which stemmed from a long term relationship that ended 7 years agp. Im just like any woman im scared of getting hurt again and litle casual flings that make you feel down is what I have experienced this year. Plus this guy I am seeing is lovely and I dont want to scare him off with my insecurities. But I just wanted to thank you all for your good advice. Thank you x
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (29 October 2007):
 Hi there - this is simple to answer but the difficult bit will probably be getting you to see it!!! If have depression you will focus on the negatives. (with the emphasis on WILL). This is what depression is. If you have met someone you really care for - go and do something positive. Something that will stop this pattern. You have something to treasure - don#t lose it. Go to GP if you haven't done so already. You don't have to put up with depression. If you have done so before - start following the treatment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): I have exactly the same problem as you and am tackling it in three ways. One is by going onto a website called Moodgym – which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and you do exercises etc. It helps you understand negative thinking and change your thought processes. I am having counselling and reading a book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem (can’t recall author’s name but it is fab). Start with Moodgym and you will find such relief. Please feed back and let us know how you find that – your problem is low self-esteem. You also need to write a list of thirty treats that you will give yourself, whether it be a massage, trip to the hairdresser, read a book for 20 mins, or whatever. Put them in a diary and make sure you give yourself some rewards. Depressed people usually self-refer and criticise when they think about problems instead of face outward into the world to look for realistic evidence. The words you use when you think through issues affect your actual feelings. The website will help you turn your thoughts outwards and not see yourself as at the centre of every problem, it will also help you take some credit for the things you do well instead of thinking every good thing is some kind of accident or not really worth making a fuss about. Very good luck, do make sure you work hard on this and you will benefit. Promise. It is all free so nobody is trying to make money out of you.
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