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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi Aunties, I have an issue that is bothering me because I feel like my character is becoming flawed and I am changing into someone that I am not sure I want to become. It might be a long one, so I apologise in advance.I am 34 years old. I have a great job, have travelled extensively around the world, lived in 2 major countries for some time and have a good and sound educational background. I am also currently getting a degree for the first time. My other qualifications include me being a Legal Secretary and different Business Diplomas as well as being a paramedic. I didn't quite know what I wanted to do so I was trying different things. I've had my heart broken SOOOOO many times so I have learned how to be strong as well as learned how to read people and spot BS from a mile away. I consider myself strong, independent but I am also extremely sensitive and have my up and down days just like everyone else. So thats me....I have two friends...one is my age, single and is quite negative. She moans about everything and sometimes is just a dark cloud of gloom. Recently she asked me to help her find someone who speaks with a latin accent...I had one but told her that I couldn't have him work for her as his work permit only allowed him to be contracted by my company. I've been doing immigrational work and contracts and all that for YEARS. And she argues with me and gets all stroppy and it just annoyed. It's not the first time it has happened. I also have another friend who is a couple years older than I am, married with 3 boys and her husband treats her like crap. She's very naiive and he pulls wool over her eyes for alot of things. She has her own business, but doesn't manage it properly and always ends up being broke. Her husbands makes a ton of money and she is clueless about where it goes and accepts every excuse he convincingly gives her. I try to reason with her and it is like talking to a wall. Her faith also has her brainwashed into thinking she must be submissive to a husband who disrespects her and belittles her because man is dominion over a wife. It's just crazy.My issue is this: My boyfriend has shared with me that I can be judgemental and cruficy people prematurely sometimes. And I really don't want to be like that. But I find myself not having anything in common with these 2 ladies who I have been friends with since I am 19. I don't want to be around negative people because I am really trying to live a more positive life and not think about the unfortunate circumstances that life has dealt me. (I've been through alot that I've thankfully survived including a miscarriage). I am tired of arguing with people over things that I am more experienced on and I am tired of trying to show my friend she is worth so much more than her husband makes her think. My biggest fear is that me distancing myself from these two ladies make me a not so good friend. I've not spoken with the single girl for over a week since our last argument and 2 weeks with the married girl. I am just mentally and emotionally exhausted after I am around them for even the shortest periods of time.I don't want to be seen as a know it all stuck up person. I am the most down to earth person ever...a bit too much I've been told. But by the same token, the life experiences I have had in my short time, all the jobs that I've had to put myself through school and such, the travels and just other things have given me a unusually knowledgable take on life. I am just having a really hard time with this. I am not sure if to just keep distancing myself or try...but I really cannot continue like this. I don't believe in having loads of friends, but just a handful of a few genuine ones. Just a side note, my married friend introduced me to my boyfriend...and I feel obligated in a way to her....I just feel stuck. Sorry for this being so long...but I wanted to give a good idea of what I'm struggling with.Thanks = (
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I don't think you are being judgemental, but you are involving yourself way too much in drama that isn't yours. That isn't your job. It isn't your job to be a therapist either. With that being said, I understand that you want to be a good friend and not ditch them because everyone else has. Have you tried talking to each of them in a respectful way and just saying "I have noticed that you have been really negative lately, is there something bothering you?" I am not sure you will get an answer you will like, but you can try. Sometimes people are negative just because that is what they are. Sometimes you can't change the people or circumstances, so you are going to have to live with who your friends are or leave. For example, I have grown apart from a friend I have had since high school. She is very superficial and always brags about all her material possessions (she married a doctor and doesn't have to work). I am not like that, so I can't relate to her. I have nice things, but I do not feel the need to brag about them and actually think this behavior is rude. Usually I just totally ignore her or change the subject, but our relationship is not the same because we are totally different people. See what I am saying? We still talk, we meet up once in a while, but we have a different value system, so we do not communicate as much anymore. I do not consider her a close friend even though we used to be best friends. So, you can either distance yourself a little bit and let your friendships go a bit. Or, you can confront each of them directly telling them how you feel about the situation. However, I will warn you in advance that some people do not like to hear that you are not happy with them and will be defensive instead of understanding.
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female
reader, Justinara  +, writes (11 June 2012):
You are not bad for wanting to get far away from these two people.
They are negative and you want to be positive. What you need to do if you have not done is to talk to them properly, maybe you can invite them for a dinner. Give them a gift and a card with a message.
Listen you are independent, and they are not. I am sure they would love to be as free as you. But they do not have your courage. When they start complaining change the subject, and if they don't quit, just walk away saying ' I will get back to you'
but it seems to me that you want to leave, so go ahead. Things changes and you need to find people who will be in your wavelength. Its natural and nothing to feel bad about. We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness.
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male
reader, Xearo +, writes (11 June 2012):
Ok well let us take a step back and try to see things differently. In Trinidad there are many girls like your single friend, let us be honest. Also there are many people like your married friend, who are constantly used. Reality = these women are fully grown adults. They chose to be where they are in life whether it is good or bad. You think that by telling them what they should do, that they should do it. And if they don't do it, then they are not listening to you. But really they are not asking for your advice. They know you had a great life compared to them. And even if they ask for advice, that is all it is, Advice. You can't expect them to just automatically do it. This is why you are frustrated. You put yourself in a situation where you feel compelled to constantly submit to their problems and feelings. All that is really required of you, is to just listen. You will feel even more worse when you tell them things that you think they should do. But this is who they ARE. You can not expect them to think like you or for them to see your perspective. It is THEIR problems, NOT yours!I know you mean well. I used to be just like you. But then I began putting my feelings and my own problems first. I began speaking up even to people like your single friend. If she didnt like it, well too bad. I did what I wanted and I didnt let her hold me back. You should have just spoke up and said "don't be so rude to my bf" or so when he spoke of his step dad, instead of just "expecting" her to say the right thing. You other friend just wants to be happy. She doesn't care about herself as long as her husband is happy. But...that is what she wants. Just listen to her and leave her be. If you want to be their friend, all u have to do is listen and be there if they really need you. Just stop making their problems your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what you are saying but the thing is ...my single friend, she has lost almost all her friends due to her negative attitude...alot. She hasn't had a serious relationship in 7 years because of it. She walks around malls with me and all she does is criticize other people about their weight and what they wear and all I want to do is enjoy her company and share a meal. Surely that can take a toll on my sanity. This is not coming from a judgemental place, it's coming from spending countless hours with someone who only spews doom and gloom and doesn't have a kind word to say about anyone or any aspect of my life that I have an idea how to improve. Anything that I do or want to do that will take attention away from her...she shoots it down and says...oh that will never work...you'll never be successful in that.
My married friend...when your husband watches his son disrespect and curse his mother out in front of guests in a house and simply chuckles and walks upstairs...sorry but I dont think I am being judgemental. I feel like ripping his head off. She found the deed to their house and it said that if he passes away, the house goes to his mother. She questioned him about it and he simply crosses out his mother and puts her name...she was silly enough to think that would work when you tamper a legal document. He KNEW she's not exactly in the know about stuff like that and uses her ignorance for his advantage. I seriously am not being judgemenal of these ladies. Whatever I do or so comes from a place of love and just wanting to help them and just see that the world isn't as bad as my single friend makes it out to me. Not because someone is overweight and their clothes fit funny, you need to comment on it and be mean. And seriously badly behaved children in my country are not invited anywhere. Parents will talk behind your back and say " I don't want so and so's children in my house, they have no manners or behaviour". I don't want that for my friend.
Really going out of my mind here. My BF and I have really good communication and I was chatting with him just now. He cannot stand my single friend. She cannot string a sentence together without being sarcastic and condescending. His step dad passed away...her comment to him was...oh well....you're one of the lucky ones....you've got one more....how insensitive it that?? That's your attempt at expressing sympathy to someone you just met!
I know I have a little habit of being judgemental sometimes. My BF pointed that out to me some months ago...and I've been working on it alot...but I feel like I want to move forward in life and I can't because I have to keep slowing down to look back for these ladies. I really don't want to be a bad friend but I'm really frustrated.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I get that you don't want to be around people who bring you down, but your problems seem to be based in being very judgmental and not based in differing values or beliefs. I know you wouldn't want other people picking apart your management skills so much, people want understanding not judgment. I think you should work on trying not to judge so much and THEN decide who you want as a friend.
Whenever you feel yourself wanting to pass judgment, instead try to put yourself in your friend's shoes. How hard must it be to have someone trying to convince you that your best friend in the world, your partner, is terrible? Or how hard do you think it is to know something is wrong? It's hard! It's much easier to tell someone what they are doing wrong than it is for them to fix it. This will take time to change your attitude, but you will likely be a better person for it. While you are judging them, what do you think they think of you? Do you think they feel positively about you? Does that feel good to think that?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 June 2012):
I think people and circumstances change throughout life. If you find these two "friends" are dragging you down...by all means start distancing yourself from them. Some people are emotional vampires. You need people in your life to lift you up not bring you down. I wouldn't even make a big deal out of it. I would simply start having other things to do and people to see when they call.
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