A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know that past dating behavior in a person is important to look at, and if there are extreme behaviors, that sometimes you might just want to walk away (like abuse or lying or cheating). But if a person is the type to break the no-contact rule after a break up, do you think that is a red flag?This has happened to me twice, now, and I just want to avoid falling into the same pattern and wasting my time. With my ex, after his last girlfriend (right before me), he chased her down even though she broke up with him after having cheated on him, and was contacting her and still trying to make it work even though she was with a new man and pregnant with someone else's child. He and I ended up breaking up because he was still reaching out to her while he and I were dating. I'm seeing a new guy right now, but I feel like I'm falling into the same pattern. With him, he had said after his break up with his ex, he was still calling her and chasing her down, and in fact, they still keep in touch even though they just barely broke up.I guess for me, after a break up, I don't have any contact because I don't think it's healthy. From my past experience (and I know this could be baggage I'm carrying around), I just feel like if someone continues to keep in touch after a break up, it might be a red flag for unhealthy behavior, which might eventually hurt our relationship.... I just don't want to get hurt again and waste my time if this is something I'm just supposed to walk away from now....What do you think? Is it normal to want to keep in touch and end up keeping in touch (or even chasing them down to make it work?) and am I just being way to nit-picky? Or is this a red flag? A reason to walk away now or at least keep my eyes open while giving things a shot?
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female
reader, Martinizum +, writes (8 May 2012):
Def..depends on how long since they brok up but when u say keeps intouch..do u mean he still had contact? Or he just contacted her/chased her in the begining of the break up? Cause I agree there shouldnt be any contact at all if it was a recent break..but even so hes with you now an should have no contact at all I find it weird..unless he happen to bump into them..there shouldnt be phone calls fb..etc..i wouldnt like it..an if he does have contact what are they talking About..espes..if hes moved on an is with you..if no kids are involved why stay connected its over an hes no longer single..hope this helped..good luck..
A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 I think it's normal to want to keep in touch with an ex after a decent amount of time since the break-up. Chasing someone down to make the friendship work tells me that clearly he is not over his ex and maybe has hopes of re-kindling the romance.
I would be looking out for myself in this situation and would walk away. If you stay, you will be exposed to more of this ex-chasing behaviour which won't do much for you or your self-esteem.
Also try to be more aware of meeting guys who have recently ended a relationship. I'm not saying they are all on the rebound but just be aware of these past experiences and proceed with caution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I think the problem with your bf's is not that they broke the no-contact rule but that they cheated on you by actively trying to get with someone else, in this case it was their ex's.I think people can have contact with their ex's and not be trying to re-start something. Like, when people get divorced but share custody of the kids they have to stay in contact to some extent almost forever but many people don't ever want to get back with their ex's they just do the bare minimum contact that they need to. other people I think can have sporadic contact with their ex's because there's no more hard feelings, but not because they want to re-start their relationship. in your situations it sounds like the mistake was you entered into relationships with men who were barely out of their previous ones and where it was their ex-gf's choice to end their relationship. that means that you started relationships with men who were still wanting their old relationships to continue because they weren't ready for it to end. So probably you were the rebound for them, or they were just using you for comfort and distraction while still wanting to fight for their old relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2012):
 For me that would be a red flag. If a guy doesn't RESPECT the no contact rule, does he respect the girl? To me it becomes a little stalkerish. Not a good trait.
I don't believe anyone HAS to be "friends" with their exes. I rarely see the point in those kind of "friendships". I have one ex that I still talk to and I consider him a friend, but it took a while before we were able to talk to each other as friends. I'm glad we were able to stay friends, but the other two BF's I had, I wouldn't waste my breath on. Ever.
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