A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it OK for a married person to lookup ex boyfriends or ex girlfriends?Our friend has been divorced for about 2 years now, and we're still friends with her since she was our friend before she married the POS loser. Anyway, she has been searching and finding old boyfriends of hers. I think she belongs to several pay sites where you have more luck than just google. This is fine with us, she's single now.Last week she mentioned to my wife that she could help her find some ex-boyfriends. Did she want to look up anyone specific. My wife told her I have to check with my husband to see if he's OK with it, otherwise no.I'm torn, should I let my wife look up ex-boyfriends and maybe make contact with them? I have no problem with it because it would just be curiousity, like did they ever get married, have kids. Are they fat, bald, and ugly now (my wife's words). What kind of job do they have, etc... There would never be anything more than just satisfying curiousity which she never had about any of her ex's until her friend started doing it and mentioned it.Other side, I mentioned it to a good friend of mine (male) and he says absolutely not. It's never a good thing. I don't think it's a big deal, so what if XYZ is still good looking and makes 250k a year. She loves me, our marriage is strong, and we're married almost 30 years. My friend says 'you never know'. I think he's an idiot, so I'm asking random people out there (this site) Is it OK to look up and contact ex's if you have your spouse's permission? Or is my friend right and it's opening up something that should be left in the forgotten past?
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divorce, ex girlfriend, her ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Coach36 +, writes (29 May 2017):
Are you seriously asking if it's ok?? To put it plain and simple, no it is not ok. It's what is called opening "Pandora's box". It's better left alone, no variables are needed in an already complicated situation we cal marriage. Why look back? Why? Lol.. don't be silly, everyone knows the answer to this question.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Hi. This is my question here. And just to clarify, my wife never thought of this. It was her friend who is doing it asked my wife if she had anyone she wanted to look up. After talking to my wife, she DOESN'T want to contact any ex. That is a Bad idea. She just said she was curious about some of them. We both think it OK to just look up and poke around if they have facebook or something. But she isn't going to contact any of them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I think it's a ridiculous offer from your divorced friend. Honestly WHY would your wife need "help" finding old exes?
I can see why SHE (the divorced friend) might want to look for old exes, even though she is better of not dwelling on the past, but I can't for the life of me see why your wife needs to go look for these guys.
I don't see it a HUGE no-no. You either trust your spouse or you don't. I know my husband talked to his high-school sweetheart on Facebook once in a while until her husband got upset about it.
Have you talked to your wife about what she will do with the info? Does she want to talk to them or "just" look? How would she feel if you started looking in the past for exes as well?
Curiosity is one thing. But getting back in touch is a whole other bag of crap-apples.
I absolutely agree with Auntie Cindy, WHO cares about the people of your past?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 For a married person I guess it's Ok to do anything at all with her spouse 's knowledge and permission,- if the only one ( the spouse ) who might have a say in that person 's decisions is Ok with them, where's the problem.
What I don't understand is the scope and utility of doing that. Who cares if your ex of 35 years ago gained 20 pounds, had 2 boys and a girl and bought himself a sailboat or a chihuaha. Yawn.
Exes are exes for a reason- and the past is PAST for a reason, otherwise it would still be present in some form ( like, still being friends with your highschool classmates, or still pursuing the same hobbies as then ).
Anything you could let go of, you let it go because it did not serve its purpose in your NEW life.
Life is NOW: eople like your single friend, who are so anxious to resurrect the past, to the point of going on PAY sites for that... probably aren't happy or fulfilled in their present, or can't find enough stimulation in it, or just have too much time on their hands.
Just my opinion - I guess I am not that much of a Facebook type, lol.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Looking up exes is okay. We all get nostalgic at times and/or curious to see how they've aged, whether they're married, and whatever.
Contacting them is an entirely different story. That's when it crosses the line. Everyone gets nostalgic and punches names of people from the past onto Google to see what they've become. But contacting them is no good. The past is the past.
I wouldn't worry about her checking public info about a past flame. However, you should be worried about her wanting to contact them. That means there's something missing from your current relationship that's got her being wistful about happier times.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I don't think you should make a rule for it, but if it bothers you you could simply say that and leave the decision up to her.
Her intent isn't the only issue here (and I believe at this point she's innocent of any agenda). It's how her seeking them out will be received by those ex boyfriends and their wives or significant others. They may not jump to any conclusions but it will certainly cross the minds of some of them that she may be trying to rekindle something. People who are happy in the present generally don't go digging up the past.
Food for thought.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I think that this is a bad move!
It's fine to stumble across an ex on a social network site & have a nosy at their photos & stuff.
It's another to actually go looking for people!
I know most people from the past are best left in the past.
I made the mistake a few years back of contacting an ex on Facebook,our relationship had ended well & we had remained friends but we'd lost touch when he moved away for uni.
I spotted his photo one day & decided to drop him a friendly message to see how his life was now.
We chatted back & forth for a few weeks before he said he was going to be in town & we should meet.
We did & I highly regret it!
We went for a few drinks & spoke about what our lives where like now & reminist.
Anyway after this meeting the tone of his messages changed from friendly to coming on to me.
Telling me he'd never gotten over me,had always loved me ect.
He began to almost pester me & I had to let him down all over again it was horrible.
Now we don't even talk & my good memories I have of him are now ruined by his desperate attempts to get me back.
I'm not saying that,that WILL happen if your wife looks people up but it is a portability you will have to consider.
Also what happens if word gets around that your wife is looking up ex partners & some one gets the wrong end of the stick?
Thinking that your wife is looking for them for some propose.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 April 2012):
I agree completely with your friend. Nothing good, at all, can come of contacting ex's. What's the point? They're an ex for a reason, and are best left in the past.
I think your friend is odd for looking into this, or they still have feelings and / or attraction for their ex's. Those emotions should have been dealt with and left behind long, long ago. This isn't like looking up old friends, or kids from your school. These are people you once had relationships with, perhaps were in love with. Why bring those skeletons out of the closet?
The way I see this, it is like opening pandora's box. I give your wife some credit for asking about it, but the woman I choose to marry would automatically think "no" without having to consult me on it.
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