A
male
age
36-40,
*atchet_boy
writes:OK, here goes... I've known my girlfriend since we were kids. She's divorced and has a 5 year old daughter from her previous marriage. Her ex-husband left her when her daughter was just 2 months old, and started seeing another girl. This obviously had a massive effect on her confidence and has left her feeling worthless and insecure.We lost touch when she first started dating her ex. But about 18 months ago I met her again. She'd been divorced for about 4 years at that point. We got on really well and I gave her my number. We started texting each other and our friendship grew again. I soon started to realise that I liked her as more than just a friend and, although I was worried about ruining our friendship, I finally built up the courage to ask her out.We started seeing each other every weekend for about 2 months, then I stayed with her for a week over Christmas and New Year. I think it was a bit too much too soon. I had been worried that things were going too fast, but she'd indicated that it was what she wanted.A couple of weeks later she said she was struggling to cope. She'd been getting a lot of hastle from her ex. She was also trying to look after her daughter, was still having to work, and had to study for her University course. On top of all that she was trying to adjust to a new relationship with me. She said that she felt guilty when we were together because she worried her daughter wasn't getting all her attention anymore, and she felt guilty about not spending time with me as well. I wanted to help her out... I tried to suggest ways that I could, but she's very independant and wouldn't let me. I also told her that I was happy just being with her and that I didn't expect her to give me all her attention all the time, I know she's got a lot going on and I'm just grateful for the time we did have together. But she still wasn't happy, so we decided to slow things down.I didn't see her for a couple of weeks and instead of staying for the whole weekend, I just went down for the afternoon. Things seemed to go really well; she kept putting my arms round her, we kissed and snuggled a lot, and she seemed much happier. We arranged for me to go down and see her again a few weeks later.A couple of days before I was going to head down she sent me a text saying that she wanted me to stay the night with her when I got there. Then the morning I was supposed to head down she sent me another text saying she was really sorry but she just couldn't cope with the pressure anymore! She felt guilty and she didn't want to break up with me but she felt it was the best thing. She wouldn't let me talk to her (I think she thought I would just try and talk her out of it), and I got really angry at that point. I made a couple of mistakes; I stood outside her front door for nearly an hour trying to get her to talk to me; and then stupidly went behind her back and tried asking her sister for help.In the end I calmed down and realised that I was just going to have to give her some time and space. I didn't talk to her for a couple of weeks, then I sent her a short text seeing if she was ok. We started texting on and off for again for a few weeks, I tried to keep it friendly and humourous so that she didn't feel like I was trying to pressure her. We arranged for me to go down over Easter and take them out for an afternoon.All of a sudden she stopped texting. For about a week and a half before Easter, there was nothing. Then two days before I went down, she told me her ex (who had recently started dating a different woman again) had been telling her that he still loved her and wanted her back, and that she'd had an argument with her mother. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see me that weekend as she didn't feel great and didn't think she'd be very good company. I told her to see how she felt on the day, and if nothing else it'd just be a fun day out for the 3 of us and maybe it would help cheer her up.The morning I was due to meet them, she sent me a message saying she was ill and really didn't feel up to going. I wasn't sure if she was just trying to avoid seeing me, but I figured either way it maybe best to just leave it and give her chance to rest. I asked if I could just quickly drop a present round that I'd bought for her daughter, but didn't get a reply. The next morning I thought I'd drop round with some flowers for her and leave the present at the same time. She wasn't in, so I really started to think she was avoiding me.I spoke to her friend who said she really was ill and she did have a lot going on so not to take things personally. She didn't say that my girlfriend didn't want to see me anymore, and was fairly cheerful about the whole thing. So I left the flowers and the present with her and sent my girlfriend a text letting her know that she could pick them up from there when she felt better.That was two weeks ago and I haven't heard a thing since.I'm sorry there's so much, and I hope I haven't bored you all. But I love her and care for her more than anything else in the world. I've told her that and she's told me the same!Do you think I'm a complete idiot who can't see the signs that it's all over for good... or should I still give her some more time, send her a short text every now and then, and hope she'll find her way back to me?
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christmas, confidence, divorce, flowers, her ex, insecure, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): I'm glad I was able to help.
Sorry I didn't mean to offend I was just giving my perceptive & I know personally if someone continued to try & keep contact with me when I'd made it clear it was over I personally would find this behaviour obsessive but hey that's just me.
A
male
reader, ratchet_boy +, writes (20 April 2012):
ratchet_boy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, they've helped a lot. I suppose deep down I knew she'd made it clear enough that it's over. But I think I've been trying to kid myself in to believing that she is just going through a tough time, and if I gave her enough space and time, eventually we'll get back together. But whether it is just a bad time for her, or she still hasn't got over her ex, or i'm just not the right guy, I don't think things are going to end the way i've been hoping and reading your comments has given me the kick I need to let go._Jeni_, I think you may have misunderstood my intentions in continuing to talk to her after she broke up with me. I did so because I care about her, and I didn't want her to think I'd just abandoned her. I know she had ended the relationship with me, but at the time I was convinced she didn't mean it and had done so just because everything was getting on top of her. I think "bordering on obsessive" might be a bit harsh. I don't pester her with messages... I haven't spoken to her since Easter, and I only sent her texts before that as and when she wanted to reply to the previous message. Even when we were seeing each other, if she didn't want to talk then I wasn't going to hound her till she did, and I'm certainly not going to do it now. But I do appreciate your thoughts and your other comment, about if she did still have feelings for me then she would have tried to contact me regardless of being ill/busy/stressed, has a lot of merit to it - so again thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I hate to break it to you but she's not your girlfriend.
To be honest I think she has been pretty clear with you that she doesn't want a relationship with you.
I'd stop sending these text's I think that's bordering on obsessive.
If she really did love you & want to be with you,she'd have been in contact somehow no matter how ill or busy or stressed she is.
I hate to be so blunt but I think you should just move on.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 She is never your girlfriend because she still loves her ex. The times when she is distant is when she daydreams about her ex, hoping he will be single and get back to her. That's when she sees to be losing interest. When her ex doesn't contact her for a long time that's the time when she will let you hang out with her, to fill in the gap. I don't think she loves you. She only says she does to keep you interested. There was never a sincere interest from the start, so she is not really losing interest. A woman who still loves her ex should not get interested in anybody until she moves on from the past. Being sick and having family problems become the guilt free excuse to not seeing you. Her ex is as unstable as her so she is bound to contact you again but I advise you to just drop her.
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