A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I basically just wanted to ask if it is ever acceptable or reasonable to have feelings for someone else (or a "crush", for want of a better word) whilst in a committed, long term relationship? Would this mean that the current relationship is in trouble, or something is not right if you find yourself having feelings towards someone else? Or could it just be a case of the "grass is greener" syndrome where you start to wonder what could be with someone else, yet in reality that's probably not better than the current relationship? I feel that it is not a good thing, I am asking as I think I have started to develop some mild feelings for a male friend, although I am in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. I'm so confused right now and I know I shouldn't be having these feelings but I just don't know what to do or what this means or anything, as I never thought I would have this problem as I love my boyfriend very much and have never thought of anyone else in that way over the course of our relationship. Any advice would be much appreciated!!
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 i think that you're human. with that, comes along with these damn hormones and phermones that make us find other people attractive. now, with that being said, i believe there is a large, drastic difference between finding someone attractive and having feelings for someone else.
for example, if i were to walk down the street, i could point out lots of attractive people. finding someone to be attractive is just surface appearances. there's no chemical reaction or bond between you.
on the other hand, having feelings for someone is a whole different ballgame. this, to me, suggests that you know the person, and you actually develop some sort of attachment - large or small - to this person.
finding someone attractive while you're with your boyfriend = totally normal. having feelings for someone else while with your boyfriend = something may be wrong in your relationship.
one thing i suggest doing, if i were you, is to completely cut off and remove this person from your life. the problem some people have is that they continue on with this new person and continue to allow themselves to indulge in and develop stronger feelings for the newbie. it's a lack of self-control, if you ask me.
right now, you have a decision to make. do you love your boyfriend? do you want to stay with him? if so, remove this new person. if you don't, it'll only damage your relationship.
good luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 IN general, it’s perfectly fine and acceptable in my book to have a crush on someone else while happily partnered. Its’ a crush not an affair. And I do not see a crush as emotional cheating… WHAT YOU DO about the crush is the issue. If it progresses to teasing about it.. and dancing around the issue, and talking about “what if I wasn’t partnered” then it may be a problem.
MY concern for you specifically OP, is that you are young…. You have been partnered with the same guy for three years… that means you started with him from 15-18…. Three years in this age range is a huge amount of time and MANY changes take place…. Often we outgrow relationships and are not really aware of that… or not sure how to cope with it.
The fact that you think “the grass is greener” syndrome may be the issue is also a concern… if you were truly happy you could think your crush was GREAT and handsome and smart and funny and etc… and your concern would be to find him a girl to make him happy… not wondering if you should leave your partner for your crush.
IF you are wondering if your crush would be a better partner… then you have to think about what’s going on in your current relationship and how you wish to proceed with that knowledge.
Feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk about it…
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I would say it's pretty normal to have occasional crushes whilst in a serious relationship, it's WHAT you do with those feelings that determine if it's acceptable or reasonable.
If you get emotionally involved with the person you are "crushing" on, you are walking down the path of cheating. If you are just acknowledged to yourself that you find this person really lovely and attractive but do nothing about it, the crush will run it's course.
I would have to say in your case, maybe stepping back from this friendship a little bit and take time to figure out what it is that makes you feel the way you do about the friend. Is it that he treats you in a way you prefer (over how your BF treats you) is he easier to talk to? (if the answer here is yes, maybe it's time to LEARN how to talk to your BF), is it the way he looks, smells, dresses? And it's definitely time to look at your relationship with your BF, are things a little stale? Figure out what you really NEED/WANT from your BF and talk to him, figure out what HE needs/WANTS from you. Then focus on the relationship and let the friendship take a smaller role.
...............................
A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (27 February 2013):
Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity? Most people have at some point in their lives.A "crush" is often just a fantasy - an attraction towards a person based on our own perception of that person's traits and personality. We humans are actually naturally inclined to have multiple partners. (It's all about that "Spread the genes" idea.) The idea of monogamy is one we came up with as a society and with higher intelligence. For pure biological intents, the goal would be to be with as many people as possible. But we as beings of high intelligence also have a very strong social need, which is fulfilled in one way by a long-term relationship.(This is why relationships based mostly on sex will never last - and why those where the couple can say they are also each other's "best friends" are more likely to last!)So the point is, HAVING the feelings isn't the problem. ACTING on them is. If you're in a good, healthy relationship, accept your feelings as part of being human, and eventually your "crush" will dissipate, just as those crushes we have on famous people do.Now, if you're really unhappy in your relationship, AND you're feeling for someone else, there's a different problem. That's when it's time to take some time to think about your relationship and why you are unhappy. Often this occurs when something feels unfulfilled to you. Figure out what that is and talk to your partner. But no matter what happens, DON'T act on this crush while you're still in a relationship. As long as you do that, you will be fine.Good luck!F
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Acceptable? Reasonable? It's perfectly NORMAL. You're human. You have feelings. It's all about how you act on these feelings. If you begin coming onto this person - well, then you're in trouble, and yes - then it's likely that your relationship is in trouble. But really, if it's just a crush, it's just a crush. As long as you're 100% committed to your fella, you're fine.
If the feelings are overwhelming and you're losing interest in your man, then maybe it's time to step back and evaluate your relationship. But to me, it sounds like you're perfectly fine. No worries! :)
...............................
|
