A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Is there a limit on how long you should be a virgin? I'm a male, turning later this year. I've never had intercourse before! What worries me is if that will put off a potential partner down the road? I'm not sure if that's a negative thing for waiting too long? The reason for being a virgin is a mix of me being shy, a little bit prude, shy, and the fact I enjoy being a lone wolf. The idea of sleeping around doesn't seem enticing to me compared to just having a loving relationship with someone. I guess I'm considered a nice guy, and would like to hook up with someone somewhat similar. It seems the "experienced" girls are the only ones that usually talk to me though. :o I'm just curious, is the lack of "experience" a big turn off to women? Thanks for any help on this "issue"! :p
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): usually becomes a bigger turnoff as the woman gets older
A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (26 May 2012):
 I can't speak for all women, but I do know that I personally would have been turned off of my boyfriend if he HAD NOT been a virgin.
I like that we were each others firsts, and I'm sure there are a lot of girls out there like that. Most of the time, we don't go into a relationship for the sex anyways. We typically just want it for the love.
And really, there is no time limit or anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): You have a certain moral value set. Don't let other people tell you that is insecurity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): Thanks everyone for your replies! A lot of helpful info was given. And I made a type, I meant "I'm a male, turning 24 later this year". :p "Look at what you wrote, so experienced girls can't be nice too? They are experienced because they are more outgoing than the 'nice girls' who are not that noticeable. Are experienced girls are turn off to you"?Oh no no, they aren't a turn off at all. I meant no offense. Just, my insecurity of wielding my v-card I suppose that flashes inside, lol. Again, thanks everyone. I guess my "insecurity" of being a virgin is.. solved? Maybe I'll work on my next step, and chat with this co-worker at my job. Alright maybe that's too big a step.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2012):
 Not at all.
Personally, I find a guy who is very promiscuous a turn off. But not all women see it that way.
Either way, YOU are who you are, so be who you are.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 Lack of experience in the bedroom is not a turn off. At least not for me. My ex was a virgin at 24, and he's the best I ever had in bed. I mean the first time we had sex was mind-blowing, and that was his first time ever. When you love each other and are attracted to one another.. it's chemistry, your body will naturally do the right things.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 Ok, I can only tell you my opinion, for what is worth, it's not like I have extensive research backed up by hundred of cases.
It's not the virginity or lack of sexual experience that's a turn off, - it's the kind of personality that may have led the guy to remain celibate ( in lack of, say, a religious or social interdiction ). In other words, if he is not going to be disowned by his family or kicked out of his church etc., WHY is the guy delaying indefinitely the start of his sexual life ?
I took a couple of virginities, in fact I ended up marrying a guy that was still a virgin at 23 or 24.
At the time, it took as a POSITIVE. Both as a sign of someone selective and serious about relationships, and from a purely practical point of view , as Janniepeg says, if you have a clean slate in front of you, you get to write on it all YOU want, - if you are the first, you " cure " them of all the stuff they may have picked up along the way, that maybe worked for other women but not for you. You get a lover in your sexual image and resemblance, yay.
But- there are downsides. For instance, a guy that desires having sexual experiences but never gets around to live them, is surely not a go-getter, not assertive. He may be a bit more than endearingly shy, he may be pathologically, dysfunctionally shy and socially clumsy. That's the kind of guy for whom the girl must really pursue, and be the initiator. Call them first, ask them out, kiss them first, drag them into bed. Not a bad thing per se, in fact some role reversal here and there may be very fun and exciting. But, it's not when it spills over in other areas of life , as it so often does ; a guy that needed so much help to start his sex life, is not a guy who gets things done easily, is not the guy who knows what he wants and has no problems in saying it. He is a guy who ALWAYS will let ME return the wrong order in a restaurant, or give a piece of MY mind to the bank which made a mistake on OUR bank account, or deal with anything even slightly unpleasant or confrontational.
Quite a drag, in the long run.
And it's not because of a naturally sweeter, more easy going disposal. Shy, unassertive, passive people DO have strong likes and dislikes, opinions, judgements like anybody else. It's just that they are unable/unwilling to express them or defend them , so they will keep their grudges and annoyances bottled up for ages and will unreasonably explode all of a sudden over something menial , rather than nip the problem in the bud by simply saying " please don't do that, it bothers me ".
As you see, yes, I am getting a lot of stuff out of a sexual late blooming ,- and perhaps this is not your case at all. You may be a normally self confident but very selective person which has not met yet someone who fits his standards, or just has not chanced into the right person or occasion due to any number of contingencies. You may be a person who is against casual sex , and has not had the luck to fall in love with anybody yet.
Nevertheless, a 25 y.o. virgin may beget VERY legitimate questions. Every choice says something about us, and I think it's normal to wonder WHAT the choice of virginity says about a person.
P.S. . I admit very frankly that as a non shy person I am biased, so maybe I am being a bitch about that, but , tbh, I do not accept " being shy " as a valid excuse for not getting what you really want from life, whether it be dates, friends, jobs, etc. Shyness CAN be cured ( or at least successfullly managed ) . Same as acne, or obesity, or whatnot.
If your feel that "X" ( obesity, shyness etc. ) keeps you from reaching your personal goals- well, then, DO something about it ,no ?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 May 2012):
Ok, I can only tell you my opinion, for what is worth, it's not like I have extensive research backed up by hundred of cases.
It's not the virginity or lack of sexual experience that's a turn off, - it's the kind of personality that may have led the guy to remain celibate ( in lack of, say, a religious or social interdiction ). In other words, if he is not going to be disowned by his family or kicked out of his church etc., WHY is the guy delaying indefinitely the start of his sexual life ?
I took a couple of virginities, in fact I ended up marrying a guy that was still a virgin at 23 or 24.
At the time, it took as a POSITIVE. Both as a sign of someone selective and serious about relationships, and from a purely practical point of view , as Janniepeg says, if you have a clean slate in front of you, you get to write on it all YOU want, - if you are the first, you " cure " them of all the stuff they may have picked up along the way, that maybe worked for other women but not for you. You get a lover in your sexual image and resemblance, yay.
But- there are downsides. For instance, a guy that desires having sexual experiences but never gets around to live them, is surely not a go-getter, not assertive. He may be a bit more than endearingly shy, he may be pathologically, dysfunctionally shy and socially clumsy. That's the kind of guy for whom the girl must really pursue, and be the initiator. Call them first, ask them out, kiss them first, drag them into bed. Not a bad thing per se, in fact some role reversal here and there may be very fun and exciting. But, it's not when it spills over in other areas of life , as it so often does ; a guy that needed so much help to start his sex life, is not a guy who gets things done easily, is not the guy who knows what he wants and has no problems in saying it. He is a guy who ALWAYS will let ME return the wrong order in a restaurant, or give a piece of MY mind to the bank which made a mistake on OUR bank account, or deal with anything even slightly unpleasant or confrontational.
Quite a drag, in the long run.
And it's not because of a naturally sweeter, more easy going disposal. Shy, unassertive, passive people DO have strong likes and dislikes, opinions, judgements like anybody else. It's just that they are unable/unwilling to express them or defend them , so they will keep their grudges and annoyances bottled up for ages and will unreasonably explode all of a sudden over something menial , rather than nip the problem in the bud by simply saying " please don't do that, it bothers me ".
As you see, yes, I am getting a lot of stuff out of a sexual late blooming ,- and perhaps this is not your case at all. You may be a normally self confident but very selective person which has not met yet someone who fits his standards, or just has not chanced into the right person or occasion due to any number of contingencies. You may be a person who is against casual sex , and has not had the luck to fall in love with anybody yet.
Nevertheless, a 25 y.o. virgin may beget VERY legitimate questions. Every choice says something about us, and I think it's normal to wonder WHAT the choice of virginity says about a person.
P.S. . I admit very frankly that as a non shy person I am biased, so maybe I am being a bitch about that, but , tbh, I do not accept " being shy " as a valid excuse for not getting what you really want from life, whether it be dates, friends, jobs, etc. Shyness CAN be cured ( or at least successfullly managed ) . Same as acne, or obesity, or whatnot.
If your feel that "X" ( obesity, shyness etc. ) keeps you from reaching your personal goals- well, then, DO something about it ,no ?
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (25 May 2012):
Since I'm a male guy person of the masculine sex, I can't really speak for women in general. My wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (I gave her mine, and received hers in return) on our wedding night. I know it would have been very difficult for her to consider marrying a guy who wasn't a virgin. The lack of "experience" hasn't been a problem for us - I knew, before we were married, that there would be plenty of sex afterwards. We learned from each other, didn't have to un-learn anything from previous partners, and I have no complaints about her as a sex partner.
You're comment about ". . . just having a loving relationship with someone.", shows that you actually place a rather high value on your sexuality. You sense that there are mental and emotional dimensions to it, and you're not interested in a purely physical experience of masturbating into a girl's vagina.
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there!
As I said, you are ultimately looking for a serious relationship, not just somebody to chat with while waiting in the laundromat - but you may have to start with the laundromat (or bowling league, local Garden Club, church, Red Cross volunteer, etc). But in my experience an even more effective approach is:
Let some older adults know about your situation!
Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you, and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
I'll also elaborate on some other suggestions you may hear. (I posted most of this a few years ago in the thread "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html . There are other good ideas there, too.)
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many girls in a monastery, but you don't have to become a hairstylist to be around them. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes for fun. Or even a mixed athletic team, like bowling, tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process may be easier, and quicker, if one of your guy friends goes with you. Ask him to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of girl acquaintances as potential dates or relationships. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around girls, talking with them, working with them. If the subject of your sexual experience, or theirs, comes up at this point you are either talking to the wrong girls, or doing it wrong. And don't concentrate on "eligible" girls alone - even men and older women you know have daughters, cousins, coworkers, or neighbors for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks, either yours or the girls'. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question but that's something you're still too young to appreciate.
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
Here's my true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. I remember sitting in college graduation, waiting as my friends' names were read (and, as they stepped off the stage, several of them received displays of affection from wives and/or girlfriends that came just short of sexual assault). The thought occurred to me, "I'm probably the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!". Well, it wasn't true then - and it's not true among your acquaintances, either.
At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I had mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences, future plans, etc.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 May 2012):
 Hello. Is there a limit on how long you should be a virgin?
*Nope!
I'm a male, turning later this year.
* Turning what, female? Older? More male?
I've never had intercourse before!
*You are not alone!
What worries me is if that will put off a potential partner down the road?
*Someone who wants a sexually experienced partner will dismiss you.
I'm not sure if that's a negative thing for waiting too long?
*For the people who think you need to be sexually active earlier, it may be perceived as a negative.
The reason for being a virgin is a mix of me being shy, a little bit prude, shy, and the fact I enjoy being a lone wolf.
*So go find the shy, prudish, lone wolf female!
The idea of sleeping around doesn't seem enticing to me compared to just having a loving relationship with someone.
*There are thousands if not millions of women who are waiting for a loving relationship!
I guess I'm considered a nice guy, and would like to hook up with someone somewhat similar.
A nice, shy, guy who wants a long term relationship ... sounds very promising for most women .... "would like to hook up with someone similar" okay, also good. *hooking up* as a phrase sounds so exploitive!
It seems the "experienced" girls are the only ones that usually talk to me though. :o
*Oh so so sad. Don't lead them on. Be honest and obvious. Refuse to talk to them.
I'm just curious, is the lack of "experience" a big turn off to women?
*A big turn off to which type of women?
Thanks for any help on this "issue"!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): In my opinion (and the majority of my friends') waiting is actually a turn on! To me it shows that you take sex seriously-something many men rarely do nowadays. This would definitely make a woman feel a lot more comfortable with you because she knows you don't sleep around. As for not being 'experienced' lack of prior knowledge from experiences can easily be remedied through you being eager to make her feel good, also asking whats best works too-I know I don't mind pointing out things and giving suggestions in those situations. Hope I helped! :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 I kind of like being with virgins because I can mold him into what I like sexually. I would set a high standard for him so even if we broke up he would still have me in him forver because I taught him the ropes and he could use his skill to please any woman. Lone wolves get along well with other lone wolves. I am a lone wolf and experienced. I think if your personalities match it won't matter if you are still a virgin. I never thought about the issue about virgins being a turn off, because I don't care. But if you are 40 and still a virgin then I would question your social ability. You don't have to sleep around to lose your virginity but you can try having sex at the same time dating someone you like.
"I guess I'm considered a nice guy, and would like to hook up with someone somewhat similar. It seems the "experienced" girls are the only ones that usually talk to me though. :o"
Look at what you wrote, so experienced girls can't be nice too? They are experienced because they are more outgoing than the 'nice girls' who are not that noticeable. Are experienced girls are turn off to you?
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