A
female
age
36-40,
*rock
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. We are best friends first then boyfriend and girlfriend. The number one rule in the relationship is brutal honesty. We are currently taking a break because he is depressed because of work reasons and because of other personal reasons. It is not specifically because of me. He has recently had a very short fuse on me and I believe, and he confirms, that it is because of all the other 'not-related-to-me' reasons. One of the many things that came up while we were discussing (while I was trying to get him to talk about any and all issues that he was dealing with) was the fact that he loves me and knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he wants to see other people before he feels he can give me 100%. He thinks that it will affect the relationship in the future if he does not 'get it out of his system' now. I think that I will resent it for the rest of our lives if we decide to do that. I can't just patiently sit here and let the love of my life go and do that! Yet I see both sides of the argument. We need help!
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (29 November 2007):
 If I were in your shoes I do not know how I would handle this situation. Feelings can not be turned on and off like a light switch. You may agree to the seperation but you will still love him and vice versa. This will make it very hard for you and you might develop some hard feelings about the seperation and him due to the emotional trauma this seperation will take you through. Constantly thinking about what he is doing and who he is doing it with. I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be so in that case if the situation doesn't kill your relationship it will only make it stronger. Personally I do not think that I would be able to do it, but maybe it will work out for you. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, KittenMagic  +, writes (29 November 2007):
 I can understand what you are going through, as i have been through something similar. But ask yourself, would you want to see other people? Do you love him? Do you want him all to yourself? Imagine him with other girls - does this hurt?
If the answer is yes, then don't wait for him to 'get it out of his system'. You deserve better. If this is the way he feels, then i'm afraid the best answer is probably to move on. If, in 3 or 5 years time you meet each other again, and realise there are still feelings there, then i wish you all the best, but hun, if he loved you as much as someone should, he wouldn't want to do this
Hope this has helped
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (29 November 2007):
 I was with my first girlfriend from the ages of 17 to 22 and whilst she had previous boyfriends and sexual partners I did not. I was a virgin, she was my first love and we stayed to gether through thick and thin. Like you we were like best mates as well as lovers. However, I was ready to commit the rest of my life to her but towards the end of the relationship she distanced herself from me as "she needed time to think about whether she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me". She did not see other boys/blokes during this time (we were living together for approx. 3 years).
Needless to say this destroyed the relationship. I felt she was not the same person as she was and the little bit of distance soon turned into a great big gaping chasm!
If she had gone off and "played the field" to get it out of her systems, or if I had, it would've surely been the end right there and then.
If I were in your shoes I'd have a chat with him and if it's what he really wants let him go. Let him go but DON'T simply wait for him. This would be a break, effectively you've split up and take time apart to do whatever you've got to do, he might meet someone else, he might realise "wow, she is the one" and come running back, or YOU might meet someone else (or both of you).
I agree YOU CANNOT JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE HIS MIND UP. You've both got to treat this like a proper "seperation" and see what happens.
If it was meant to be it was meant to be. My guess is he'll come runnning right back as soon as you've been apart.
At the end of the day YOU TWO are in the best position to know each other and your relationship better than anyone here so do take everything with a pinch of salt.
Good luck and I hope everything works out!
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (29 November 2007):
 Hi
I strongly believe that he cant love you because if he did he wouldn't feel it nessesary to see other people and to be intimate with them, also i think that this will ruin your relationship in the future.
If my husband metioned that he needed to see other people i'm afraid i'd kick him out and there is no way i'd have him back after! clearly he has no love and respect for me if he could do that to me & then expect me to be there with open arms waiting for him to get it out of his system.
Obviously this is your choice and decision & this is just my opinion but don't we all deserve respect so don't take anything less!!
Good luck
Lu x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): Well there is an obvious risk if you allow him to "get it out of his system"- that he will prefer the single life and leave you for it. On the other hand, if he is worried that he will cheat in the future if he doesn't get to bang some hotties then it might be for the best.
Of course if you let him do that, then you should be allowed to play the field a bit yourself. Don't just patiently si there, get out and meet some gorgeous guys to play with yourself. Of course, the risk is that you meet someone else you feel a connection with and then you leave your boyfriend.
If you let him sleep with other girls before he settles down with you, you may always be wondering about what happened, if they were better than you, hotter than you, if he developed any serious feelings for them, etc, etc. It's playing with fire essentially and you can get burned badly.
My personal belief is that when you start sleeping with other people, your relationship is as good as over.
But if you can make it work, go ahead.
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