A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question that concerns "lies". I want to first explain a few things in our relationship. I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2.5 years. She's a great friend, and a better lover. However, I have a concern that seems to continue to come up occasionally. I have had some concerns that she has lied to me about a few things that make me wonder what else she could be lying about. A few months ago, she went to visit her parents a little far away. She called me earlier in the day to tell me she was going shopping later and to call her then. So when I did call, she called me by another person's name. The person's name she called me, is actually a long time acquantance who she claims is in love with her, and that she knows I am not okay with that and she tries to avoid seeing him, because of my feelings, and that she only considers him a friend, nothing romantic. When she called me that person's name, it automatically made me very uneasy, and when I asked her why she called me his name, she said that he had called her, and she thought it was him when she answered the phone, and she immediately appologized.The next day I got a call early in the day and found out that she had a tire blow out on her car and couldn't find a store that had the tire size she needed late that night. She said then, that she got one and had to stay the night in the town till she could get to a store in that morning. When she got home, I had a feeling that she hadn't told me the complete truth and I felt that I should do some investigating and found some paperwork with the top of the receipt/invoices torn off. I called the local stores to find out the store number and found out that she had went to the same town, where this other guy lives, to get the tire installed, which is 90 miles away from where she "said" she was shopping. When I confronted her about it, she said she finally admitted that she had lied and that she did it so that I wouldn't become angry, and then proceeded to accuse me of lying about something that I supposedly did a year earlier. Since then we have gotten somewhat of an understanding about the situation and I believe that it has made us closer, until tonight. A couple of weeks ago, an old friend (different friend) asked her to go with him and stay with him while he is away on business. I don't believe there is any "chemistry" between them. I overheard her telling another friend, who asked if I was going, that I had declined the offer, yet she had told me that he had asked her to come, as a good friend, since they hadn't seen each other in a long time, and that he needed to talk. I, 75% believe, that she is going just as a good friend, to talk to him about a problematic relationship that he is currently involved with. My question is this... Am I worried about nothing, or should I have some concern. She has had a lot of sexual partners and has been married twice, all within 4 years prior to us meeting. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2007): For sure she is dishonest. Why did she lie? She must have done something to drive 90 miles and spend the night there. Why is she even with you.And I really do not get the part on her male friend asking her to accompany her for a BUSINESS trip. Just to talk?A chatting trip or a BUSINESS trip?Sounds fishy on all accounts. You should be smarter than that. There are two things in life: Excuses (lies) and RESULTS (actions).If what they say are contrary to the things they do, there is cause for concern. You are a smart person to be so detailed about stuff... from your post it reads you are pretty smart too (about the sleuthing of the reciepts)... you probably already knows what you should know.Just here for some assurance that you are correct.It does read that you are correct. But the main thing is... what are you doing to do about it?
A
male
reader, Mclovin  +, writes (14 December 2007):
We as young college students understand what you are going through. We have experienced these problems ourselves in past relationships. Your concerns are common by the promiscuous past of your girlfriend. Your recent feelings have been brought out because of previous lies. It is convincing that she is the problem in this relationship because of her previous actions. Lying can lead to mistrust, jealousy, and miscommunication which is known to break up relationships.
Mistrust is one of many reasons as to why relationships don't last. Trust is very essential in a relationship. When trust is lost, it is very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. In your case, her lying and mixed excuses has caused you to question her fidelity. Mistrust is a horrible feeling that can lead to jealousy.
Jealousy can lead to a lot of mistrust and many more problems in the relationship. Instead, talk to her and explain to her about your jealous tendencies. Show her that you care for her and that it bothers you to know, or suspect of her lying. If you have no idea on how to approach her, try counseling.
Miscommunication can also ruin a relationship. Communication plays a big role in relationships. So, you should spend more time talking to your girlfriend rather than spending time thinking of her cheating on you. You should have a talk with her and express your feelings towards the relationship and where you plan to go with it. Your girlfriend and you should have the same goal, for example, a healthier relationship.
In conclusion and to answer your question, we think that you should go through some counseling. This would be helpful and informative to control your mistrust in her. Communication is probably the answer to all your relationship problems. If you find that the communication does not work, and you're still jealous, then your relationship with her should probably end.
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A
female
reader, maggie1987  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 well if shes lied shes more likely to keep lying to you and as for going to go with the friend to speak about problematic problems in their life then you should say to her we have our problems why dont you stay here and speak about them rather than someone elses problems its their problem they should deal with it. saving your own relationship should always come first no matter what. ask her what is really going on with this other person if she doesnt want to tell the truth and keep lying well one day the truth will come out and itll just be a whole lot worse especially if someonee has been lying to you constantly when you ask them a question
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A
female
reader, KittenMagic +, writes (4 December 2007):
 She may be lying, she may not.
But either way, does it matter?
Trust has been broken on both sides now, and unless something drastically changes, it'll just get worse
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Like the anonymous male poster said, you're being played. Her lies are not about meaningless things. Her driving ninety miles to see a former lover of hers tells you how interested she was in that meeting. Why should she be meeting with him? Why should she lie to you about it? Because she is hiding something.
Then, accusing you of something you had done in the past is about the oldest trick in the book. It is also a dishonest way of dealing with issues: instead of solving what she did wrong, she throws you a net for you to get entangled with it.
I really want to understand under what circumstances a male friend would call a female friend and ask her to stay with him while he is on business. Do they have business together? If not, why would he have to call HER?
Her having other sexual partners in the past is not what counts. I bet you have had other people, too, and from your post I see you're a faithful guy. What counts is, she's lying to you. Which means she is manipulating you. This is not an "occasional" thing. This is how your relationship is working now. She keeps some of her cards hidden while you play by the rules.
I would be very concerned about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): You're getting played. Lying is way too much a part of how she functions on a daily basis and maintains relationships. The specific details of what she lied about recently or what was true are not even as important as the bigger picture of her that you should be learning from all this. You know she's still not generally trustworthy about things in the present. You know she hasn't been sexually restrained, at least in the past. And now the circumstances are pointing to a lack of sexual restraint/trustworthiness in the present. You do the math.
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A
female
reader, JujuBee +, writes (4 December 2007):
Lying is always a bad sign, triviality aside. Though, when you mentioned "something you'd supposedly done last year," I did wonder about the nature of said event. Sometimes lying/cheating from a partner can evoke dishonest behavior from an honest partner. I was with a man who'd cheated on me once. Though I'd never so much as entertained the notion of being unfaithful he became relentlessly suspicious of me when he began cheating. All of the verbal traps and increasingly controlling behavior did have me lying by omission about nothing a few times. But be it cheating or something else, lying is a sign of trouble.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (4 December 2007):
 Hi - yes I would be concerned. So had she stayed with this other guy or what? Had she even been to her parents?
There is one thing we do know for certain - people who tell lies have something to hide. Having had some similar experience I would have to question whether you are just starting to discover what her previous husbands found out? The thing is, she is only admitting what you have found out after lying first.
Best thing is to keep a check on her without confronting her. Do a few "silent checks." Ring on fixed line instaed of mobile. Does she keep her phone on silent? Has she got two phones? Might be best to suddenly change your mind at last minute and say you can come to her friends.
Good luck - Richard
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