A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess I want to get people’s views on my breakup.I met this girl two weeks after a painful breakup. We connected and it just felt right, maybe all a bit too good. We dated for a while, and she told me she loved me after two weeks. She seemed to have a bit of a volatile personality mainly when alcohol was involved. Once she told me to call round when she was drunk because she wanted to chat, she was saying she had concerns that I could support her emotionally, I thought she was pushing me away and didn't respond in a reassuring manner, she said she was reaching out to me, I felt bad because I really liked her and felt like I had failed her. Everything was perfect for three months other than that, she was really supportive and we enjoyed spending time together. We had one argument when we were drunk and she became very threatening and angry and almost suggested that she would get violent, it was not anger I have really been exposed to before, it was almost like she was seeing red. I’m not someone who takes confrontation well and I generally have a fairly passive, laid back approach to life, I told her during this rage that her behavior was not normal and I was not comfortable with it. One of my concerns with this girl was that she only had a few friends and two of them were male. One of them she said she loved, but was not attracted to, he was single and they often went away for weekends. These trips were arranged before a met so I bit my lip until the last trip until I said I was not comfortable with it. I struggled to tell her this and was a bit off with her, which I regret. I was willing to walk away from the relationship because I was not willing to be put in this position, but she said she would cut ties with the other bloke. After 4 months she found herself without a place to live and I said she could move in with me if she wanted, it seemed like a good option for both of us because we spending so much time together and things felt like they were progressing. As soon as she moved in she became controlling about the flat about how it should be kept, she kept threatening if I didn't meet her demands. She also became controlling on me doing things when she wasn't involved such as seeing friends and weddings which she wasn't invited to, things that I couldn't invite her to. She would get angry that I couldn't change this and said she said she just wanted to be part of my life. She would make me feel guilty for something I don’t think I should feel guilty about, I planned to go away with her and spent most evening with her, it’s not like I was neglecting her. She also became controlling with how I managed my finances, which to be fair weren't that well managed. During these arguments threats were being made by her that she would leave, leave me for someone else or even for an ex boyfriend, after a while this became tiresome and I called her on them. Occasionally she would make up for these arguments but would never apologies, I just felt suppressed and trapped. I wanted to do things with her, but I also enjoy times when I am away. I am completely loyal and have never cheated on anyone, it is part of my inbuilt values which I can’t change, so she could not have any trust issues with me. I noticed when I was away her behavior would change, she would become more difficult before I went and would turn to alcohol when I was away and become very unstable. I know she was trying to work things out after some of these arguments but I was becoming more and more distant, maybe I should have tried to meet more in the middle, but I guess I was unsure if I wanted to.I know she has had a troublesome past with people cheating on her, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts and even an assault charge on a previous partner. Sometimes I could see this insecure side of her and she was really sweet and honest about things, she could have this amazing caring side and we were really close at times, like we were a unit, she supported me with an operation I had and various other things, she was at times amazing. We had plans for the future and were going to move into another flat. I supported her the best I could, but everything was always on her terms and not mine. Anyway it all ended with the usual threats, her drinking a lot and her saying she was going to leave, I just couldn't deal with it anymore, I wanted to be supportive, but I couldn't be supportive and secure if she was so angry and pushing me away all the time, I told her I was having doubts about things and the anger increased with her saying “you don’t want to see me angry you are not sure what I am capable of”, I told her this behavior was wrong and that her parents should come and pick her up so we can get some space. I then said we should breakup, she said she was going to stay at my flat for a week or two, but I said she should move out at the weekend (she could stay at her parents). This was the last of it, I went away at the weekend to get away from it all and she left and never said goodbye. I guess I want people’s opinion on this, in some respects I feel like I have been really insensitive with her feelings, but on the other side I’m not sure I should be the one to try and help her. Is this behavior normal and have I done the right thing? I know I have my faults, I am passive and can be insecure about things, I can become withdrawn if I’m not happy, was it just a bad match? The thing that concerns me is the last two relationships I have been in have been very similar. I’m just wondering what am I doing wrong or is my nature the reason why these relationships have followed this path?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 January 2013):
 I got to this: "She seemed to have a bit of a volatile personality mainly when alcohol was involved."
and went to skim mode...
I live with (and I am married to and totally committed to) an active alcoholic.... trust me... RUN as far and as fast as you can.
It's not your job to fix her. YOUR job is to take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2013): Sounds like she had a drinking problem and you were wise to end it but, if you have a girlfriend who is living with you, she should be invited to weddings and family functions. Sounds like you did not stand up for her in those instances.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 January 2013):
This relationship seems to have been troubled from the very start, and it progressed very quickly indeed. Maybe you need to take things a little more slowly and be a bit more careful when some-one says they love you after a couple of weeks, appears to have a volatile personality, and will apparently ditch a best friend for a guy she hardly knows. I wonder if maybe you’re looking for some-one to save? Unfortunately only she can sort herself out and you did the right thing ending it. From the first few lines it was obvious this story wasn’t going to have a happy ending. You’d moved in and everything whilst you were still getting to know each other, next time keep a closer check on the pace and slow things down a bit. But don’t feel guilty about anything that happened with this girl, you’re not responsible for her and it sounds like you tried to make it work and it wasn’t to be.
I wish you all the very best.
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