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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Sorry, this is a long post. Just trying to clear certain things up in my head I guess.I was with my ex-partner for 18years, 10 of which we lived together. We never married, and never had children. But we were saving money for a house and were trying to get pregnant. Unfortunately I had a nervous breakdown caused by work and family difficulties, and had to give up work.He really tried to help. He did all the cooking, shopping and tried to be as loving as he could. But he started to get resentful, and started looking at other women (he said) and eventually left me. Looking back on it, I was highly dependant on him for everything. He left me, because (he said) he felt (and was told by my family) that he was slowing down my recovery.Breaking up was hard for both of us (and we both did a lot of crying and regreting). I must admit that I chased him shamelessly. Eventually after 3 months he started dating someone else. Everyone that knew us were very angry, because they thought he didn't care but I knew it was because he was on the rebound. He was so angry with me, as if I was the one to break us up. When I attended his father's funeral, it was all he could do (he later told me) not to hit me, in front of everyone. (not his usually behaviour, as he is a very emotionally controlled person)He kept seeing me, telling me he loved and missed me and eventually decided to come home. But this confused me and I wasn't really ready for a relationship as I was still trying to heal from our breakup. But I never felt seperated from him, as I was seeing him every two weeks.It was a nightmare for both of us. I tried to do everything perfectly, and was so scared he would leave again that I couldn't relax. The main reason for our breakup (he said) was the lack of sex. So I of course I tried to have sex more frequently, but then he became disappointed at the quality, because he felt like he was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. Even though I tried to reassure him that I had learnt that sexual intimacy was a important part of our relationship. He blamed me for the original breakup and said that it had caused him to be unfaithful. (strange - because he had every right to date someone else while we were seperated.He kept on critising me and my attempts to fix up the home and get well. He felt I wasn't trying hard enough and seemed happy when he saw me crying. The first thing he said when we got back together was that in a perfect world he would want to have me and his ex-girlfriend together at the same time. He seemed to have constant little tests for me, like did I remember certain songs and did I treat certain objects he bought with enough consideration, that seemed to me like he was trying to find a way to leave me again.The more I tried to be with him and show him how much I cared the more stiffled he became, until yep, you guessed it, he left again. He started avoiding me, and then eventually told me he had met someone else. I knew this I told him, I knew that things had become bad, but this was because I had come of my medication. (love can do strange things to you)Anyway that was over two years ago. Since then it has been up and down. I am such a romantic and believe in true love. When I realised that he may have a chance of this with his new girlfriend, I explained that he should try to move on and give her his whole heart. I accepted the relationship was over and started dating again.That's when he started phoning me and visiting me more often. He's made passes at me, (difficult but not impossible to resist after a sexually fullfilling 18 year relationship) then apologized and begged me not to tell his girlfriend. He promised always to be my friend, then told me he couldn't see me when his girlfriend asked him to cut contact. He asked me not to phone or contact him, but he calls me and my family on a regular basis.The last time we met, at a friends christening, he kept chasing after me to talk to me. We were in full view of all my family and freinds who have known him since we've been together. I didn't understand as my friend is related to him by marriage could see what was going on and could have easily arranged for his girlfriend to find out. He offered to drive me home, and then when I invited him in he started telling me how much he missed me. This I took for granted, as I said I believe in true love. This guy really felt like my soulmate, and if I hadn't been so stuck in my own trouble's we would have married and been together. (He even told my mum this before he left me) I knew he wanted me to be a healthy, happy mother for his chldren.He told me he wished he'd never left me, and he had only done so in anger. He told me he had started dating, just to give him the courage to stay away. Last month he turned up at my house (without calling first)at midnight. I felt he was desperate to see me, and even though I politely tried to turn him away (I am now living with someone in a wonderfully casual relationship) he was quietly demanding in his need to see me.He didn't seem shocked that was living with someone else and it seemed that he had come for a social chit chat. (at 12 midnight?) He told me his had been on holiday with his girlfriend, and was almost living with her.I can't work him out. His behaviour is so unusual (and boy do I know this man) that I don't know which way to turn. Does he miss me, feel guilty for leaving me, want me back or is he trying to torture me by rubbing his happiness in my face. Is he worried about me and trying be a friend or is he confirming his reasons for leaving me. Is it a case of "50 ways to leave your lover", or is "I love you, but I can't live with you?" Please help! Any advice welcome.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kikicupid for your words of support.
After writing this I had a long talk with a friend, who knows my ex and my situation. Apart from you guys on this web site, she's the only one who listen and allows me to accept my grief.She suggests I change my number (a bit extreme) because she sees how damaging he's been to my health. She still thinks he loves me, but dosen't think he's helping at the moment.
After thinking about it, I've made a vow to try to put aside thoughts of him and concentrate on my own health and issues. If he wants to be with me, fine, if not, then that's fine too. But I won't allow him to get away with playing stupid games with my emotions. It belittles us both, and makes things harder. Our relationship (which all in all has been pretty wonderful) dosen't deserve such a bitter twisted end.
Thanks again for everyone that has helped me.
A
female
reader, kikicupid  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Perhaps there is still hope, i mean you have been with this man for so long and then without this again for a long time,so who knows what the future holds??However you need to get better without him for this relationship to ever work, it sounds like things are all over the place i would not be surprised if hes making it harder for you. If you really want to know what is going on then ask him exactly what his intentions are and that you dont wana play games- or tell him how you feel, whether you just want to be friends or whether you want to be with him again. But either way you need to do what you feel is right within yourself and you need to be better for this to work 100%. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. I keep asking, and I keep getting the same answer. I thought I knew him well. He wasn't like this in the past and I never expected this behaviour of him. I guess I hoped that there might be some hope, and there's was some love remaining.
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