A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody, I'm not sure If I have a question or whether I would just value your views on this matter. Me and my boyfriend got together at 18 and have been together just under 5 years. Back last October our circumstances changed drastically, neither of us handled it very well which resulted in a huge argument and we didn't speak to each other for 9 weeks. (Technically the relationship ended due to our own stubbornness and the change in circumstances) that is to cut a long story short. The change of circumstances meant that I was ridiculously busy and didn't really have time to think about anything, I did miss my boyfriend when little reminders popped up to do with him. I got up at 5 and went to bed at 11 and that was my life. Until this settled back to normal and then I really started to miss him and realise how stupid we had both been. I contacted him, we met up, poured our hearts out, lots of apologies and agreed we were going to take it slow and see how things went. We've now been back in a relationship for 6 months and things are exactly how they used to be. Loving, trusting and happy. However, when we broke up he got close to a boy on his football team that he's never really bothered with before. This guy is tolerated but not really liked, due to his views of himself and women. He thinks he's gods gift to mankind and often makes comments putting women down. For example, his recent social media update was 'I would love to have a girlfriend but every girl I've met so far just isn't good enough to justify letting her be with me'. He sleeps around and generally uses women as a sex object. I'm not sure why my boyfriend became so close to him, and as we weren't together this is none of my business. All I can assume is that the other guys on the football team that he's close with all have girlfriends that we used to socialise with. This boy doesn't, and as he was newly single he decided to play the field. When this boy found out I had contacted him I saw the messages this guy had sent my boyfriend. They said 'aww misses you does she? Tell her your'l get back with her if she shuts up and does anal?'My boyfriend replied with 'I don't know if she misses me she said she wants to talk' Many of times he text my boyfriend trying to persuade him to ditch me and go out, he text him saying he had two girls ready for them to have sex with, he text him saying he would book and pay for a hotel room. He also text him saying he was whipped and needed to find his balls and leave me. Very frustrating from my point of view and often left me questioning whether this relationship would work whilst he was around.However the last 4/5 months they've gone from texting and talking on the phone everyday and going out every other weekend to barely talking at all. The last time they spoke was nearly two weeks ago. This boy is an asshole and my boyfriend knows how I feel about him but as much as I dislike him, I don't want to stop my boyfriend from being friends with him. I don't know whether to bring up the fact they don't speak anymore and just say for him to not let my opinion on the boy stop him from socialising with him. I guess I feel guilty as they were very close friends and this boy was there for him when I wasn't. Technically it isn't fair just because we are back together that this boy gets ditched. Do you think I should mention it? Or do you think I should count myself lucky that he no longer has that boy trying to influence him into the single lifestyle?
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 June 2014):
 Here's the situation as I see it...
Your BF splits with you and, as is natural, is feeling vulnerable, hurt, needs someone to talk to and probably a bit too quick to ask others, regardless of their merits, for advice or opinions. Also he is the only guy in the team or group of friends who is single apart from this horrible guy. He is, for the first time in his adult life, alone relationship wise and has no one close to turn to after 5 years of being close to you. Your BF probably didn't want to spend too much time with his friends who had partners as it would rub salt into his wounds to see his friends with their arms around their GF's. Plus he probably felt out of the loop now he had split from you. So it is natural for him to gravitate towards a fellow singleton.
Unfortunately, the only single guy in the group is cocky, arrogant, very willing to tell your ex where he thinks he is going wrong, full of his own importance and very horrid in his treatment of women.
Your BF probably liked the attention he got (in a non sexual way obviously), as he was vulnerable and lonely, and felt happy to have someone take an interest and offer solutions. He needed a friend. However your Bf lost sight of the fact that this guy was not a real friend, and only giving him attention to show off and tell him a load of cocky bull shit.
Five years together is a long time when you are young. Im sure your BF, rightly or wrongly, was feeling at the time that women were not exactly amazing shall we say, as is natural when a man splits from a woman after five years. That's not a reflection of him or you, its just natural to say "im through with bloody women/men!" when you have broken up with someone. He probably felt his new friends attitude towards women was acceptable in those circumstances, and was easily influenced. His friends attitude that women should be treated like dirt would probably have been off putting for him in normal circumstances. But instead of seeing this nasty guy for what he really is, he probably felt some of it was true, at least out of angst and hurt. Bit like when we wish someone dead, we dont mean it but in times when we are hurt its how we think.
You Bfs emotional state left him vulnerable. This other guy would have possibly manipulated him with the old "Stick with me and i'll teach you the ways of the world", when actually meaning "stick with me and i'll impress you, show off to you, give you an ear full of my own importance and get you to hang on to my every word."
Your BF needed guidance and was not rational enough at the time of the break up to see this guy for what he really is. Just as men use vulnerable women for sex, and loan sharks take advantage of poverty to lend people money at crazy interest rates, men this this fool rely on people who are looking for guidance and friendship to talk a good game, make themselves sound amazing and impress.
When we are down in the dumps, had a relationship end and feel a loss of confidence, its easy to hear someone saying "
every girl I've met so far just isn't good enough to justify letting her be with me" and perceive them as being better than us, in some way more confident and less troubled than we are. Its easy to then get sucked in to their world.
This other guy is like so many arrogant, cocky lads. Full of shit, full of himself, talks up every minor achievement and full of the big "i am!".....Yet the reality is very different. All the other lads in the group are in steady relationships, probably ready to settle down and take life a bit more seriously. They are growing out of adolescent antics and laddish larking about. He, on the other hand, is the child of the group. He doesn't have the maturity to join in with the more mature ones. He is still in the "im going to do...." stage of idealistic, arrogant nonsense.
Your boyfriend enjoyed this pricks antics and ideology when he was fed up and got a downer on girls, now he is back with you and seeing him as possibly a bit pitiful. A role reversal.
Thank your lucky stars that fates fickle finger seems to have given this fool a damn good poke in the eye. Your BF has now clearly moved on from this lad. He seems him for what he really is.
"Technically it isn't fair just because we are back together that this boy gets ditched. Do you think I should mention it? "
Life aint fair, and if you are an arsehole like him you don't deserve fairness. I don't suppose the women he beds and uses for sex think he is very fair, but he just boasts about it. Do you mention it? No! If you show your BF you have moved on, he will follow suit.
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Arm chair Phsycologists corner: Its interesting that you refer in your post only to this person as being a "Boy", and the others as being "guys". That's how you perceive him - a boy, a child. Im sure, as you say he is tolerated instead of respected, that others perceive him the same way. His antics and ways are tolerated as he is the child of the group.
This boy might ACT like he thinks he is gods gift, but people who demonstrate that behaviour are always deeply insecure. His attempts at persuading others as to his greatness is an adolescent, insecure attempt at making himself feel less worthless. Men who treat women with disgust and contempt are always the men who feel, deep down, that they are not worthy of a good woman and not good enough to be loved. "If you cant join them, beat them and treat them like shit" is his attitude.
Mark
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): [edit] acquainances. correction: acquaintances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): When you were apart, your boyfriend probably turned to this guy just to vent his frustrations. A few beers and some guy-talk.
He couldn't turn to the others; because they were likely to chat his business amongst themselves. This guy was the most objective of the bunch. You guy was angry, and just needed an unbiased opinion to help him fight back the guilt and anxiety he was going through at the time. This was while he sorted out his feelings. It's how we guys deal with emotions. We pretend we don't care, when we really do.
The other guy has a unique perspective on things. He built-up his sagging-ego, reminded him he has testicles, and let him know he's on his side. He had an expiration-date to start with.
The guy is a certified dick, and that's why your boyfriend is backing away. You hit the nail on the head, your feelings are justified. He also respects your opinion and how you feel about that ass-hat. He spoke of you disrespectfully. When you were apart, your bf just needed someone to be on his side; but not anyone in your inner-circle of friends and acquainances.
Don't feel guilty. The "bromance" wore-off, and he sees the guy for the jerk he really is. He just helped him to man-up when he was feeling wimpy. Now he's back to himself again, and you're both hitting if off like you used to. He no longer needs that guy around to be a wedge between you. He has served-out his purpose. You can relax.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 My vote is count your blessings. It's rather noble of you to want to be as open minded as you are. However, I get the impression that your bf only ran with this guy because he was on the rebound and hurting. I don't think he's the type of guy your boyfriend really wants to associate with, in general, under normal circumstances.
And I also don't get the impression that he COULD just be his friend under normal circumstances, even if he tried. This guy sounds like the type of guy who, if he's not out chasing skirts, he doesn't know what else to do. If your bf is in a relationship, they'll have nothing to talk about or do while hanging out. So don't worry too much. I don't think it's you who's keeping him from being friends with him. I think he just doesn't want to. I think he just respects your relationship.
So count your blessings.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I would let it go and have your boyfriend deal with him. It seems like they will just drift apart on their own without your interfering. Don't worry too much about it and just ignore the guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I think I would let your BF decide that this guy really is an ASSHAT and ditch him without YOU telling him, that is what you'd like him to do.
I would REFUSE to discus the guy or hear about him.
YOUR BF is (hopefully ) smart enough to realize that this guy is full of shit. He talks a big game but honestly, he is the loser on the team. So he screws and screws over a lot of girls.. but.. he can't GET a GF and he certainly can't KEEP one. You think that is his choice? I bet you not. I think his attitude stems from him not being someone girls want to be with long term.
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