A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I have come here to get feedback on what really is just me being silly, but I can't seem to help it. I'm 21 years old and my boyfriend is 22. We're both postgraduate university students. We've been together for two years and during that time, we've had a few boundary issues. He has females who come to him with their problems looking for advice or expecting him to cheer them up. Consequently, I have found several messages between him and girls that I wasn't entirely comfortable with. He would compliment them, call them beautiful, hot, gorgeous, special, stuff like that. He just saw it as him trying to make them feel better about themselves, but it upset me. I knew that it was nice of him to try and make people feel better, but I wish there was another way to do it. Recently, he's been working on a university project with a girl that I have seen him calling hot and gorgeous (both to her face, and to other people). Others think she is very pretty and he also thinks she had a very cool personality. He has commented on how amazing it is that someone as cool and hot as her would hang out with him and his friends. I've never met her. Anyway, my main problem is that he's been spending quite a bit of one-on-one time with her and I get really stressed and anxious when I know they're working on their assignments or something together. It's stupid, but should I just suck it up or is there a better way of dealing with silly jealousy issues like that? I'm not good at dealing with jealousy, and if anyone has any tips, they'd be appreciated. Thanks?
View related questions:
jealous, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): Leave.
You're clearly not comfortable with this (nor would I, or any other woman be)
Life is too short to spend with someone who does not respect/appreciate you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): It was one thing to compliment girls to make them feel better when they were feeling down and insecure. However, the comment about how he couldn't believe a girl so "cool and hot" would hang out with him and his friends is over the top. It's like he's putting this girl on a pedestal. It also shows he still has a rather "high school" mentality when it comes to friends. Like she's the popular girl and him and his friends are the geeks. Isn't he a little old to think that way? That's what I think. You shouldn't feel honored someone is hanging out with you because of their looks or status, it should be because you think they are good company. Looks shouldn't even matter if you're not trying to date that person.
I wouldn't call your feelings "silly". Even if he has no plans to stray, he is being disrespectful. I especially understand you feeling this way if he never compliments YOU.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 June 2014):
I am not sure the type of guy he is. For example some guys tend to be calm and collective when they give compliments. Other types of guys do it to look for attention and to boost their already large ego. If your guy is just a quiet, nice guy type then I see no harm is doing such, after all, girls do the same for their friends. At the same time no one should rub it in their partner's faces, right? But I can not tell if he is doing that here or not so I do not wish to exaggerate a situation.
I think after two years you should be able to talk to him about these things and hopefully you are both mature and reasonable in your decisions. I think the first step to conquering jealousy is to just admit that you are jealous - baby steps.
...............................
A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I find that highly unacceptable! I would let him know that calling any girl hot or gorgeous is a big no-no. It's completely disrespecting you. He's not single so tell him to stop acting like it. The most I would let my husband get away with is calling someone pretty.
You need to bring this to his attention that it is unacceptable. If he tries to tell you that you are over-reacting then I would show him this post.
Good Luck!
Oh, and sometimes men can be really stupid, especially about things like this. I had to tell my husband off a couple of times.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I agree with the first answer. I have been in a similar relationship. It's very destructive. I think he owes you more respect but I am very old school and much older than you. In my case, he insisted on having lunches/dinners with past co-workers as well as giving them gifts/sending flowers on birthdays. From his own admission, he asked them to always keep in touch and of course this was encouraged by sending flowers and other gifts. I don't know these women from Adam but as in your case, they are very attractive young women (I have seen pics on FB) who currently aren't in a relationship themselves. Although I know THEY would not be romantically interested in him, I know that it's one of the way he gets his jollies. This is a man who wants/needs the attention of beautiful women. His reputation at work is that of a skirt chaser, a fact I learned all too late. As for yourself, try to figure out where his heart is knowing that in relationships there are fine lines. If the pain keeps surfacing, there is something that's not right but ultimately it's up to you. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I just wanted to add that I agree with the other advice given. I would not tolerate my boyfriend speaking to other women like that either. I think it really comes down to whether you can deal with it or not. I would feel very disrespected.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I suppose my advice is probably the the wrong to take, as I won't be able to provide you with the "it's all in your head" feedback that you're seeking. However, I don't think it's appropriate for someone in a relationship to speak like that to people of the 'preferred sex' - unless they have been the very best of friends for years. Then that's a different story. But if not, it really is rather inappropriate to speak like that.
Those are the types of compliments reserved for a gf, not a friend, in my opinion. However, I'm very big on personal boundaries and respect in relationships. I even look away when someone my partner may think I'd find attractive walks by. Lol. I just don't want to give the false impression that I would be interested in anyone else. I wouldn't be. So that's why I say I'm the wrong person to respond; in my opinion, he's crossing the line and you have every right to feel upset about it.
Don't misinterpret what I'm saying, though. I don't think you have anything to worry about. I don't think he's thinking of cheating or anything like that. I just simply think he could learn a lesson in how to make his gf feel more respected and cherished.
...............................
|
