A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey aunts and unclesI've recently come out of a four year relationship. I had been planning the break up for some time as he was abusive (mentally and emotionally).He would use emotional blackmail to get me to do things for him and if we argued over something HE had done, he would drag things up from the past that I had done and suddenly, his actions would be my fault. I had to tip toe around him for fear of upsetting him or annoying him and if I did, he'd shout and swear at me while I'd sit there and allow it to happen. He'd apologise after a while and I always forgave him, which made me think that it was actually something I had done which made him angry. I finally had enough one day and left. That was eight months ago. I have recently been chatting with a guy online. He's really nice and we share a lot of the same interests. Recently he's been asking me to meet up with him and although I'd like to, I'm a little worried of getting involved with another man again. My ex was really sweet when we got together but then turned into a bully over the years. I haven't told my Internet guy about my ex as I don't want to drag the past up but obviously I'm still living in the past because I can't forget it and move on. I cried so many tears of hurt while I was with him and I'm currently taking anti depressants which help a little. I feel like he's ruined my life because I really want to meet my Internet guy but I'm scared of history repeating itself. Please can someone offer advice on how I can move on
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I believe in facing the fear and meeting the new guy. If are not ready to meet him because you're just not feeling it, then fine, don't meet him. However, if you don't want to meet the internet guy because you are afraid of repeating past mistakes, I think you should at least get your feet wet and meet him.
Why are you afraid of talking about your past? We all have a history, and I strongly believe that true connection arises from vulnerability. When you share what hurt you, and you speak from the heart, many times that prompts other people to break down their walls and share what hurt them too. This kind of connection is like a big hug for your spirit, when you realize that you are not alone, and there is no need to fear.
We are all a work in progress. If you wait until you are completely healed to start living again, that day may never come. Healing is a life long process, and sometimes people come into our lives to help us with the healing process, even if it means facing our fears and working through them.
Your experience has taught you what abuse is all about and you should trust your instincts when you see the early signs of this kind of abuse. Trust that you will pick up on these signs and that you are in control and will be able to end the relationship before it progresses.
I think going to a counselor regularly will help you to clarify what your gut instincts are telling you, so this would a be a great support while you are dating. The counseling will also help you to analyse and rationalize your fears.
Baby steps. A first meeting with the guy does not automatically mean that you are going to be in a relationship with him. It's just you taking back your power from your ex and making a silent proclamation to yourself, "I will not allow my ex to take away my power again. I will not allow my ex to ruin my life or any chance at happiness!"
A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I wouldn't meet this "internet guy" until you have healed properly. For my abusive ex it took me a couple of years. While you shouldn't judge the internet guy based on your experience with your ex you need to remember that you never met him and you know only what he told you. I would be very careful and if you do decide to meet him make sure it's a very public place and do alot of research on him. It wouldn't hurt to make it a double date with a girl you trust. It's hard to trust but in my opinion they need to earn it before you relax with them. But again don't start dating until you healed. It's like pouring vinegar over an open cut. Good Luck and if you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to send me a message.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): OP four years of a relationship that isn't abusive takes a long time to get over as is, one with abuse in it for so long can take even longer.
You should contact some domestic abuse charities and ask for advice, it may help for you to be able to talk to similar women in group sessions or get some one on one counselling.
You really don't sound ready to date properly again and you sound very emotionally vulnerable still.
You have to focus on you for a while still and on healing. You're not weak, you're not an idiot you just need to learn to trust yourself again and become strong.
If you're already getting counselling etc. keep going. Read what you wrote to yourself, OP, does that sound like a woman ready to become emotionally invested in a man?
Just understand, OP, this is not forever, you can and will heal but you can't do that while getting involved in another mess, you just can't risk that.
4 years is a long time, it'll take a while to get over that and with that much trauma it's even more important that you take that time.
Most importantly though, OP, we men are not your fix, we will not be able to make it all okay for you. In fact we'll just make it worse if you date while you're still "damaged goods". Take your time, be patient and have faith in yourself to overcome this because you will. Learn to be happy being an independent woman again because when you reach that stage, you'll be ready to face anything we guys throw at you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): From abuse there is trauma. You have some healing to do.
It is good that you have not yet met with this new guy. You have some emotional baggage to unload first. When the body is sick, we see a doctor to get medicine and a prescribed treatment for healing. We often neglect the mind.
There is a still residual post traumatic stress which has left you doubting yourself, feeling wounded, and damaged.
You may not need therapy, but I would recommend that you seek some counseling to just talk it out and push out the poison that man has injected into your soul. You are a strong woman. Just the fact that you reached the point you weren't going to take it anymore; shows just how strong you are.
You are afraid to move on; because after taking all that, you lost sight of your own identity. You have lost your sense of trust. It's hard to believe you can move on, and you're not sure if you have the strength to ever go through this again. My dear, you need to give yourself time before you get emotionally-involved with another man.
You are now under repair, and that means you don't need to lend yourself to another relationship until you've exorcised your demons, gotten that toxic assh*le out of your system, and you've had some time to reacquaint yourself with who you are. Rebuilding inner-strength takes time and effort. It doesn't happen without deliberate and proactive self-improvement.
You became a child when you were with your abusive boyfriend. He was the mean father, and you were trying to be the obedient child. He made you forget you are a full-grown woman. He made you tiptoe around your own house, apologize for what he did wrong, and he crushed your spirit.
Please seek abuse-counseling to speak to a professional to make sure you undo all the damage this man his done to you psychologically. You need to heal from the inside out. Then you will not be likely to return to abusive situations. You will regain your confidence and self-esteem; but most of all, you will no longer have any fear.
Right now, you're like a little girl afraid there might be monsters under the bed. You want to look, but afraid of what you might find. So that means it's too soon to see this guy.
Your mind is on the rebound, and searching for a relationship to hide in. It's far too soon for that. You will be so jumpy and nervous, every-time he makes a sudden move; or you'll overreact to the slightest sign of anger. The biggest problem will be misreading his reactions and responses as aggression, when they're not. You'll find yourself constantly apologizing for your behavior.
He wouldn't understand why you pulled him into your world when you seem so damaged. You may not know how deep your wounds go, until you speak to someone trained to help you. Your feelings need time to heal; and your mind needs to sort out a lot things.
Go online and seek a hotline in your area, or try:
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-v
This is under the Women's Aid Federation of England, a charity organization that can give you referrals for
counseling you may need. Seek help in all the ways you can.
Coming here is a good start; because you may not even need a lot of psycho-babble to scare you, but you do need to make sure you cover all your bases.
Being single is not being sentenced to isolation. It is time needed for contemplation, introspection, and meditation.
The mind and soul needs rest. That guy put you through hell, and inflicted a lot of pain. He robbed you of your confidence, and the way back is by taking care of yourself.
Then you will be ready to start dating and enjoying male companionship. Not for the purpose of compensating for the lack of your own strength, but to seek love and affection. Anyone willing to offer these things to you, deserves the best of you in return. You are so young, and have so much life ahead.
Best of luck to you, and many blessings!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 Maybe, you need to focus on dealing with the last relationship, why you allowed him to treat you that way (and btw GOOD for you for leaving). BEFORE getting into a new relationship.
You need to deal with your own guilt first. And you NEED to forgive yourself for being with your ex. YOU had NO way of knowing he would turn out the way he did.
This new guy is NOT your ex. Don't compare them, it isn't fair. Not fair on you, not fair on the guy.
But I sincerely think you NEED to deal with the past relationship BEFORE jumping into a new one. Otherwise you will constantly wait for the other shoe to drop, and it can turn into some self-fulfilling "prophesy" - when you expect someone to treat you bad, or do bad things they will at first try to prove you wrong but if they still sense that you ASSUME it will happen sooner or later, then it CAN happen sooner or later. I'm not saying you will turn a good guy into an abusive one, but you fears will make him doubt you two together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I can totally relate to this, I was also with someone who abused me, I was with him on and off for around 3-4 years. He lived a fair way away though, which I now realise was a blessing, as I didn't see him too often, but he still managed to abuse me verbally, emotionally, on a couple of occasions physically and used me for my money. I ended it 3 months ago and I ignore all his manipulative attempts to get me back. So I really empathise with how you feel. Read some of this brilliant lady's articles (most of them are free to access):http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/Also try baggagereclaim.com.You haven't got over the abuse yet, which is why you are depressed and afraid to trust. I really would recommend that you read about narcissism and abuse and how to heal from it. Take care!
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