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female
age
36-40,
*ace
writes:dear aunt, iam 20 and have been dating my boyfriend for 9months. he seems to love me just the same way that i do. but the problem here is that he has a baby with someone else but told me he's gonna part ways with her soon. he told me he only wants the baby to grow a bit more older. currently, they stay together. but something tells me he still feels for this girl and letting go of her wouldn't be an easy thing for him to do. whenever i ask him about her he tells me to be a little more patient and that it's gonna be him and me soon. just the two of us and we will start our family.. please help am confused. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): I think he's playing her, and using you.
He doesn't have to be a total lying jerk about it just to be a player. He might be very sweet & even very sincere about it all.
But sincerity and good intentions aren't enough in his situation. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and choose one of you. (And regardless of what he tells you, I'll bet money that SHE doesn't know about you two.)
And you need to take responsibility for your actions too. It's his fault when you're being falsely led-on. But once you realize the true situation, then it becomes YOUR responsibility to repect yourself and demand some changes from him. (And then it's your responsibility to break away from him if he doesn't make them.)
You can only be as taken-advantage-of as you let yourself be. If you allow yourself to keep believing his lies when deep-down you already know better, then that is your own fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): He has a child and is still really with the other person. He basically is having his cake and eats it. Sorry, but personally i would run a mile. I dont think you can even consider waiting around for him. He is feeding you guff and loads of it. You do deserve better and therefore shouldnt be putting up with this. Please put yourself first and move on and dont look back. He has a family unit there and you will always be on the outside looking in.
take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Oh my. Haven't you ever wondered what type of man he is, when he doesn't completely end his first relationship? before dating another woman? You are in a love relationship with a man that is built on 'deception and lies'...and his 'dupes' are? You, his gf and his child. So who comes first in his life.? None of you. He comes first, doesn't he. I believe you when you say you love him-but I don't believe he loves you. His actions are stating otherwise. I'm afraid that's true-especially with the confusion you feel, and with the 'lie' he is living. Respect, trust and honesty-3 core building blocks-foundational in a healthy relationship. If he loved you, he would not definitely keep you a 'side' secret. He's should be shouting his love for you from the rooftops. He'd make this an 'all or nothing' deal. He really is protecting his own butt at the risk of your pain and misery. So yes, this is a blatant case of 'stringing you along'. Listen hun, we all have enormous control over our feelings and one can make decent, good choices. That comes from within you. Love and desire works much like a drug on us. One's brain gets stimulated and they feel happy and alive but many of us use our common sense, too. Think of his gf and child. Women nowadays, with families, have enough to contend without other women creating more problems for them. Try to realize that when one wants love at the cost of causing pain to others at any price, you stand to cause pain to yourself.You have given up 9 months of your life, based on a pure fantasy...not love on his part. He's pussy-footing around the gf with the excuse to protect the feelings of the child and keep his family together. Are his behaviors looking like he's wanting to build a future for you? No, so why are you tolerating this? Sometimes, when a woman is fearful to risk loss of love, she will remain with a man to complete her-to attach to. All for love? So if you are doing this, you must understand that you must acquire more dimension in your life than "love". Because when you just settle for 'love' you sell yourself short, and you tolerate crap like what this man is dishing out. With that 'love' you should definitely expect his respect, his honor and his commitment to 'only' you. You really deserve better than 'getting the short end of the stick here'. I say--walk away and never look back. Good luck, hun and I do hope you can be strong. It's not easy, I know, but in order to get 'true love' with someone else, you must come to grips with the truth. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): He is using the typical "wait until the baby gets a little older" line on you. This man has the right to walk away if he really wants to. But unfortunately he is using you as his retreat from his everyday responsibilities. When he is with you he is experiencing the life that he gave up to be a dad and a partner. Maybe one day he will leave but what type of man would that make him, and what kind of women would that make you? He is showing you that he is not capable of being in a committed relationship if he was he would not be sneaking around with you. If he really did not want to be with her he wouldn't, period.
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reader, chlez83  +, writes (29 October 2007):
My dear,i've been there and done that and though i never listened to people i now believe it.It's sad that you were brought to the honest truth that men don't easily forget sum1 with their baby.I really feel your pain but you need to be strong.My advice is short and simple.If you really love the guy,talk to him.Agree on a time limit to how long you can hang around.If he refuses to be specific,give him your own and prepare to move on after the grace period.If he doesn't have the guts to leave her then he doesn't love you.Imagine you were married and that women calls him in da middle of da night because of the baby.His taking responsibilty doesn't mean being her lover.The man just can't get over her.PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): From past experience I would say if he was going to leave he would have done it by now and you are just being left hanging on a string however where children are involved, things become more complicated.
I understand that he is trying to be responsible and be there for his child but you do realise when he is there with the 'ex' he is sleeping with her right? Despite what he says he thinks this is justifyable because he doesnt want her to suspect that things are not normal - she probably doesnt know you exist.
You need to make it clear that you will not wait forever and that even if he left her now he does have rights to see his child. Sometimes I think that men forget this and think if they leave then their child will be used as a weapon and they will be unable to see them. As long as he is willing to fight any obsticles put in his way he can still be a good dad even though he is not with the mother.
I'm afraid you need him to make his decission, you shouldn't be willing to be put second to the ex.
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reader, dapone 1  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 hi.
I think that because he has a baby with some body else then he may not love you, as much as he has made out, when people have a baby together then it bonds them together, most of time it is hard to brake that bond, that is why it is more than likely he has not left them yet.
He will have feeling for this woman she is the mother of his child, and i am sorry to say that he may never leave his family, i feel that he may just be using you for his own purpose, i am slightly bother because if he does leave his woman and child, then that would be a heartless and selfish action to take, and you must consider yourself here, what if you became pregnant,would he find another girl friend and tell her the same things he is telling you.
what would happen then, he would more than likely leave you holding the baby and go off with some one else, you must consider you options here, may be it would be in your best interest to consider leaving this guy and start a less complicated relation ship with some one, who feels the same for you and would treat you with more respect.
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reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I do believe he is, he wants it both ways and im afraid he can't!
I know its hard when you love someone but you should forget about him a get yourself a better man that can give you everything not just empty promises! The problem is he has a life with his g/f and baby which really will be extremly hard for him to just walk away from.
You have to think about you in all of this, are you putting your life on hold waiting for him to leave her? & at the end of the day do you believe that he will?
If he did leave her he will always be close because they share a child could you cope with that? no body can answer this for you because in the end its your decision only you know what you should do but i wish you luck with it all & Keep smiling!
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reader, elliebellie +, writes (29 October 2007):
i think this guy has to make a difficult decision. he needs to be there for his baby but at the same time he also needs to be there for you. i definetly understand that your confused. he keeps telling you to be patient. i would talk to him and tell him that either he lets go of his ex and moves on or he loses you. it is unfair to keep promising something that may never happen. he needs to remeber that this baby is his as well. if he decides to be there for the baby you must support him, but if nothing is happening and he keeps telling you to be patient then i think you should leave him. there must be better guys out there.
lol
ellie
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