A
male
age
41-50,
*impig
writes:I have been (living) with my current girlfriend for 10 years this coming xmas, and last year we finally bought some property together.It seems though, that ever since this happened, her attitude to me has changed. She has become colder, never really shows me much affection, and jsut seems bored. When I try to talk to her about it she admits she is finding it hard to make the effort, and although she says she wants things to get better, she's not sure how. She also says that sometimes I try to hard with the relationship, which I find particularly frustrating. Especially as I have been trying to be more affectionate to her, and trying to find things we can do together to break our routines.Recently I discovered that she has been having some limited email communication with a guy she had a crush on when she was at school, and although it seems fairly innocent, she has suggested to him that they meet for a drink. When I confronted her with this, she denied there was anything to worry about and that she just wanted to meet him to "see what he was like". She's obviously having real doubts about us being together...but her lack of communication with me is killing me.I'm really at my wits end over this, it's getting to the point where I feel like its almost affecting my mental health. Any advice, please? What can I do to get through to her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Sometimes the more we try to convince someone to come round to our way of thinking the more they go in the opposite direction, sometimes less is more..!
You could try doing more of the things you like to do, things that you enjoy that will make you seem less intensly focused on the relationship, that way she may start to realise that you can have a life of your own, which will only entise her in!! Also , if all the time you spend together has this 'negative issue' hanging over it, then the time you spend together will be assosiated with unpleasentness for both of you.
:)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): Babies. Whats her view on a family? Surely nature kicks in somewhere along the line. Does she just not want them with you. She seems to be seeking out a male she had a particular crush on.Whats her body telling her.Just a thoughtSteve
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A
male
reader, timpig +, writes (29 October 2007):
timpig is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers! I'd love to show them to her...but I know she'd go mad!I can't get her to tell me what she wants, and that's the main problem. The more I try to speak to her the worse it gets, it seems sometimes. She says the problem is all on her side, but she doesn't seem to be able to do anything about it. She just tells me not to worry, that I'm obsessing over it. But at the same time - when I really put her on the spot - she always says she thinks its worth us still trying to stay together because of all we've been through together.Maybe I am. Day to day is OK, we talk, we even have a laugh....but she still seems cold with me. Occasionally, when I can motivate her, and we have a day out or something it's still brilliant - that's why I'm still hanging on. We're going away together this weekend, maybe that will be better...Maybe I should back off for a while...stop trying to talk to her and just pretend everythings normal, but act really positive about things? Is that a good idea?There is NO WAY she'll let me meet this guy with her. She's not even sure herself that she wants to meet him, I think. At least since I stumbled across her emails with him she's being more open about it, and discussing him with me. I honestly don't think she'll run off with the guy, but that it she might be impressed with him enough that she doubts our relationship even more...maybe I should let her go...maybe it'll backfire on her...but my gut reaction is a big firm NO...that she shouldn't be doing this, out of respect for me....?God, its all so depressing!
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A
female
reader, Aunt Georgie +, writes (29 October 2007):
well make time for each other mark 1 day down on the calender in the week and do something like go for a meal or pictures it worked for me when he changed his mood when we moved in together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): She has some nerve - as if its ok to meet some guy after all these years to 'see what he's like'. This ain't a romantic novel is it? She needs a reality check. Advice from the other post is excellent - definitely do this idea - that will see just whether or not he is an old friend or whether she really wanted to flirt with him on her own. I find all this re-kindling of childhood sweethearts rather sad - can't we all live in the present? I would be really firm - no way is she getting away with that. However I think you have a issues which are bigger than this blip. Deal with the blip then deal with the bigger issue. If she's not right and the relationship is not what you want life is too short....
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I think that inviting this male friend out for dinner sounds like a good idea. Butinstead of going behind her back emailing him you should have her call and invite him. See what type of reaction she gives you. In addition to that you should suggest some couples counseling and if she does not agree to that then maybe she is just not interested in this relationship. Sounds to me like she is treating you like a housemate instead of a lover. If she is not willing to work it out and get to the root of the problem, then maybe it is time to call it quits.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (29 October 2007):
It's really interesting to learn about other cultures.In our culture,it's extremely rare to find such a living arrangement,especially for that long.Have you ever considered where your relationship is going?I think she's reached a stage of uncertainty with you and wants something new.It could also be her way of showing her frustrations at you.If you truly love this lady find out what she really wants.I would also suggest that you do everything in your powers to limit her meeting with that guy because you may find yourself alone.However,there's a fact most of us men overlook.When a woman's made up her mind,there's no turning her back and most of the time we could avoid such situations by learning the art of READING BETWEEN THE LINES!!
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A
male
reader, timpig +, writes (29 October 2007):
timpig is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSounds like a good tactic...but won't really work on my circumstances. I don't know the guy, have no way of contacting him, he lives miles away in her hometown...she hasn't even had any contact (outside of email) with him for over 14 years. Her whole point is that she wants to go and meet him and see what he's like on her own. And I don't think I can stop her...she just then suggests that I'm being over controlling etc...
To be honest I think she's pretty nervous about meeting him too..If she does meet him I can see it going either way:
1. He's great, amazing...more exciting than me. I don't think she'll run off with him, but it might finalise here views about dumping me...
2. Its awful, its awkward....she has nothing in common with him, and she feels like it was a stupid move, and remembers why we have - until now - been good together for so long.
So i feel that if I let her go that's the gamble I've got to take....aarrgggh!
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A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (29 October 2007):
gosh! this is difficult. in a relationship it takes 2 people to make it work. it seems that you are almost doing her bit for the relationship as well. it doesnt look like ur doing anything wrong at all. she obviously cant be bothered to commit to the relationship. why dont you ask her whats wrong and why she finds it so difficult to talk to you. tell her if there somehting wrong you need to know. do you love her? i think what she did to you with that guy is completely unacceptable. ask her whether she thinks you two shud be together. tell her that you are beginning to feel ill. maybe if you start talking to her which i know youve already tried really hard to then she might start openning up. hope this helps
lol
ellie
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