A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years (the last 6 months he has been living abroad). He told me only last week (during an argument on the phone when I shouted he had been selfish leaving me alone like this) that he had actually delayed the final stage of his visa application by 6 months when he met me - so in other words... when we met he hadn't already sent it off even though he claimed he had. He told me in such a way that he had done me a favour saying "he wanted to give our relationship a chance" and that "he didn't think I'd have gone with him and he was protecting our relationship". The thing is he lied to me outright, to my face and not just once but every single time we talked about his Visa which was every week almost daily for 12 months - and I kept a brave face on it too even though it hurt me. We used to discuss how long his application had taken and I was really concerned for him, and he joined in those conversations agreeing with me it took ages. I even offered to read one of his emails to help him get to the bottom of the delay (this was around Xmas last year) and I noticed that the date the immigration office had quoted for his application was different to what he had always said it had been - I asked him at the time about it - face to face - and he said he must have put the wrong date in by mistake. I remember saying to him "You don't get something like that wrong." but he stuck to his story. I am so gutted because I believed him. I went through torture at the start of our relationship, crying and feeling so low trying to come to terms with the situation of him eventually leaving to go abroad when all along he just watched me cry and said nothing. I can understand his reasons (if they are genuine - although they are still manipulative) but why not just say to me from the outset "I have the final stage of my application to go and I'm going to delay it because I want to give our relationship a chance." I'd have respected him and I loved him then as I do now and I would not have changed his plans if that was really what he wanted.I feel like I don't know what he says is the truth any more when he can do this. I have been making plans to join him, which has been really hard on my own but I don't know whether this is right under the circumstances now. What does anyone think? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (29 October 2007):
It's sad that your man has not been very honest and dishonesty in da early stages of a relationship is sign of bigger trouble ahead.However,don't get too emotional he may be doign all this out of love but ofcourse i do very much agree that he ought to have told you in da 1st place.Give it some more time and see how honest he still is and then decide if you can still trust him or not.
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I know how you feel since I moved country and at the best of time its hard laying foundations for a life, let alone a life with someone else.
You need to speak to him face to face really. Speaking over the phone just doesnt work. You need to speak to him and find out if this is what he wants. Does he want you to move there with him? Does he want to make this relationship work? Finally what are the chances of you finding work and making a life together? 3 Very important questions!!!
If he wants this, then he has to be more forthcoming and more honest to you. But you HAVE to make this clear to him! There is nothing worse than upping sticks and moving to a foreign country where you know no-one and then finding out you made a mistake and you want to go home. You have so much to loose!!!
I moved to the UK in 1997. When I moved here I had been seeing a guy in the airforce. A week after I arrived I found out I was pregnant with his child. Unfortunately I miscarried at 14 weeks, but going through that alone was so hard. I had moved to this country not knowing a soul. Actually climbing off the plane and going to stay with friends of a friend of my dads. I had never met them and didnt particularly like them, but it suited me for a month while I looked for somewhere else. But it was so hard on my own.
The most important thing for you now is to find out for yourself if this is what he wants. And also if its what you want. Make sure that you are prepared for good and bad times with no family to back you up!
Good Luck and let us know how you get on! Perhaps take a trip out and see him. See if the sparks are still there!
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A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (29 October 2007):
this is my personal opinion but leave him. hes not worth it. you gone out your way to help him and there are loads more nicer guys out there willing to be with you. he obviously really hurt you and saying he did it for the relationship is a load of crap im sorry. if you still love him then that your decision to stay with him, but if you dont then leave him
lol
ellie
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