A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been having an affair with a younger woman from work for five months. I have children and because of that I packed his bag , and asked him to leave. He says he wished he could turn the clock back and see the kids more , also that I have given him the best years of his life . He has not cleared his clothes out of our house , and keeps visiting unannounced ......is he sorry ? I am devestated and feel he has betrayed our family ....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): He wanted his cake and to eat it then got found out now regrets it and is trying to ease his way back in. The main question is "will you ever trust him again?" if the answer is yes you could in time then give him a chance. If you think you will always wonder then do yourself a big favour and do not let him back in your life because it will never be the same with him. Has he given YOU the best years of your life??? Maybe someone else could.... perhaps it is best you clear his things out and have proper space - that way you can decide. It sounds like, despite what he has done, he is still calling the shots and turning up when he likes.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 Isn't it strange that the male aunt suggests you forgive your husband, while the females, especially the exceedingly bitter anonymous lady wants you to burn him in effigy. What would you like to do?
Over the years I have watched in amazement as my family, friends and colleagues have gone through all sorts of relationship issues. On the whole, I would say that men cheat through opportunity, and then proceed to try to get away with it for as long as possible. Women seem to plan to cheat, and while men get hung up on the sex, women risk everything for the 'relationship' itself, and are far more clever cheaters. Because of this, it appears that men drop their affairs far easier than women do.
Painful as it all is, you are the only person who can really decide what to do next. If you want to thrash things out with him, then do so, and find out why the hell he would risk his family life this way. If you want to kick him out for good, without even considering any type of discussion, that is good too. Personally, I would kick him out, and take some time to make a decision on your own, without his presence affecting you one way or the other. The coming around un-announced is not an option at the moment. Ask him for his key. He has every right to see the children, but he needs to make a specific time to do so. When he comes around, make sure your family or a bunch of friends are present, unless you don't want to involve them, and if you don't tell him you are going out. He cannot use the children to weaken you into a decision. It has to come from your head and heart. He has to absolutely know that what he did was not acceptable.
Once you decide, then I hope everything works out. If he really wanted to stay with you, he would have left his job already, and committed himself to having no further contact with the woman. Tell him that's the first thing you want to happen, if you decide to forgive him. If he won't resign, I think you will know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): he is not sorry, he is sorry he got caught. that is the difference. no use in him claiming to be sorry now. he would have continued and even left you for this younger woman anyway. or he would have lied and had you both. the only difference would have been ,she knew of you and you would still be blissfully ignorant.
i wish more woman had the guts to do what you did. it shows that no matter how hurt and miserable you are, you still have pride and a good head on your shoulders. this man expected you to be the door mat wife who would accept his affair. his lies and cheating has shown him that he cannot have both. how sure are you that he has even ended his affair. his words may say that he is missing your life together but i can bet my bottom dollar he is still sleeping with her. he is not ready to end his affair, that is certain. cheaters do not call it quits just because they are busted. they continue in the sly.
he has betrayed you, the kids, the marriage. he has soiled your marital bed and he did not give a damn about you while he was f*cking her. he just says empty words, his actions speak louder. do you want to forgive him and invite him into your bed so soon. would he have learnt anything? nothing at all, only that you are the forgiving type who will quickly turn around if some sweet good for nothing words are whispered to her. come on, he is emotionally manipulating you and you are falling for it. you are now feeling sorry for him. did he feel sorry for you waiting for him to come home - no! he was busying having sex with this other woman while you faithfully waited for him to return home.
this man was caught with his pants down and he doesn't like it. yes he wants his life back. he was used to his wife providing stability and his lover providing exciting sex on the side. he had the best of both worlds. too bad he doesn't have an ignorant wife anymore. that is what he would have preferred.
you have proven that you are strong and that you know the difference bet right and wrong. you have shown him that you are not just second best. i am sure he did not expect oyu to throw him out. this is what has unnerved him. he is at a loss that you could do without him. and you have. yes, the hurt is unbareable, some days worse than others but at least this snake is not in your life any more. is one day you learn to forgive him then thats ok. but for now be strong. he cared nothing for you and the kids while he was with her. sympathy for him - hell no. he is playing you and slowly chipping away at your emotions. this emotional balckmailer is using empty words and plse do not be fooled by them. he has betrayed and humiliated you. plse remember this. as for ariving unannounced he needs to respect some boundaries. i know you will be happy to see him but he needs to have definate curtailed times that you are comfortable with. you are making this all so easy for him. he nees to know that he has lost you. because of his infidelity. you have proven that not all wives are insecure and would want a cheating bastard in their lives. you deserve so much more. and you will get this mush more.
go out with friends. learn to live a little, new clothes, new haricut - show him that slowly you are valueing yourself again. slowly you are living again. you are not moping around waiting for his scraps thrown at you. even if it kills you, when he is aorund, be jovial. phone friends, invite them over, show him that you still have this precious life. you may never get over his betrayal but at least you know what kind of man he is. some wives are non the wiser until the bitter end. be proud of yourself but learn to start loving yourself again. slowly pick up the pieces and slowly move on. he has. he just doesn't want to accept it. he had his cake, his cream, all the extra toppings of a good life with you nad be blew it. now he is emotionally manipulating you. this is not about him. it must be about you. he was caught and should pay the price. because you have done already.
i know you are wanting him back but if you may look for excuses and look for signs that he is sorry then what. he comes back and he contnues his affair(s) after a short while. this is what will happen of you tell him to come back. does he want to come back because he loves you or does he want to come back because the doormat wife will doing his cleaning, ironing, preparing his meals. he may be missing the comfort of your home but not you as a woman. plse do not make a mistake of just accepting his affair. this man if he is truly remorseful would get his act together.. for now he os only sorry he was caught and made to move out. has he learnt anything, only time will tell. i know you want the kids to have a father, but why be saddled with a cheating hb. remember when your marriage gets stale again, he will start playing around again and the vicious cycle starts.
plse be strong during these difficult days. this betrayal is still too raw and you are hurting. do not have any expectations, if you do, you are setting yourself up for more heartache and pain. is this what you want. we all have regrets in life, it is what we do to rectify the mistakes we have made that counts. your hb has not rectified his mistakes, he merely is using emotional balckmail with you. and he knows it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 June 2009):
 He has betrayed his family. He did cheat.
Is he sorry? I don't know. Maybe he was sorry he got caught? Maybe he was sorry you found out. Get my drift?
What YOU need to do is this. Figure out if you rather live without him or if you can in fact forgive this transgression. This is not easy job, but YOU have to do it.
If the answer is no, you can not forgive him, you need to start the separations/divorce. Don't drag it out. (FOR your sake). And again, if you have decided that he isn't worth trying to work it through, then pack all his stuff up and give him a date to come pick it up, change the locks and set a schedule for his visitations with the kids. They are his kids too, and it's not their fault their daddy couldn't keep his pecker in his pants.
If you do want to work it out, you need to sit him down. Set some rules, but GET help. That means seek out a marriage counselor or if you belong to a church go there and seek help, lot of Churches have some good help to offer. He also needs to be TOTALLY open and honest about any and all questions you have about his affair. And do NOT accept "It just happened" as a reason.
Forgiveness is hard. Hard on the mind and hard work. It doesn't happen fast either. Specially not after something like this. I know, I have been there. Took me close to 2 years, to actually forgive. Once I did though, it was a HUGE burden of my shoulders and off my heart. I became a better person, better mom and better wife. I have always said that I would NEVER stay with a cheater. I had to eat that. But... as much as I love my husband, he will be out the door on his ass faster then he can say HUH? if he ever even thinks about overstepping again. I don't think he will, I don't walk around expecting him to cheat again. I think throughout the MANY MANY hours we spend talking and re-connecting he had one of those OMFG moments, where he realized just WHAT he almost lost.
One thing that I can not regret about his cheating is this, we now communicate 1000% better. We both don't try and second-guess each other. We actually finish a "fight". We love harder and play harder. We also seem to both WORK harder on the marriage. Before we would usually ignore a fight and let it build up to the next one or instead of having a fight we would (mainly me) simply ignore each others. We are now pretty much stronger as a couple. I am now 10 times more secure in myself and in the knowledge that I am capable of a lot more then I thought. If I have to be a single mother, I can do that too. I am no longer scared.
These are some cheesy saying, but for me they always ring true:
Life is shorter then we think, so make it count.
Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me again and shame on me.
No matter what you need to think of 2 things. YOUR happiness and the happiness of your children. If Mom is happy then most likely the kids will be too. Only YOU can ensure that you are happy, don't rely on others to fulfill that, but SHARING that happiness can give others happiness.
PS, IT IS OK to be hurt, pissed off, upset. Your marriage as you know it, just died a little death. Doesn't necessarily mean it's totally over. That my friend, is now in your hands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): I would personally never EVER forgive a cheater. If he truly loved you, he would be dedicated to you && you only. If he cheated once. He'll most likely do it again just because he can get away with it.
He had a wonderful family at home waiting for him && he blew his chance. Let him suffer the consequences && leave him. Also think of the example you would be setting for your children. Would you want them to think its okay for them to betray someone's love && trust because they know they'll be forgiven?
It sounds stupid && irrelevant but its true. They'll find out what happened someday.
You dont need that in your life right now. There are so many guys out there who will treat you better.
Good luck && I hope this is helpful
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