A
female
age
51-59,
*onfusedgf1973
writes:My bf of 4yrs was offended by me talking about our future. I want to marry him, and I told him. Ever since then we went 8 days with no contact or talking. Then I finally cracked and called him. He is very distant on the phone with me. I did ask him if we were going to do something soon, he said yea maybe. This was Tuesday, it is now friday and I still have not heard from him. I feel as if I am the only one making the move to talk, I am doing all the calling lately. can I just say he called it quits on me without telling me and I can just move on? Thing is our communication sucks. When I try and talk to him about "us" he says nothing and shuts down. What do I do?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (26 December 2008):
 It seems he does have definate issues. I can certainly see why he feels stressed or depressed about the events in his life over the past few months, that is understandable. I DON'T however UNDERSTAND why he won't tell his parents that you are back together. That is a RED FLAG in my book.
You could have attended the funeral and sat alone if you needed to. By being there you would have shown him your support and given the RESPECT toward your b/f, his family and his deceased BELOVED AUNT. Now you have been cheated out of that right. It's sad that he can't STAND UP FOR YOU. I have a feeling that it might have something to do with his distant, no contact and evasive attitude toward you. It sounds like he may love you but apparantly not enough to let you be a part of his faimly. He is hiding out hoping you will forget the idea or he is pushing you away in hopes of breaking it off, cause if it can't tell his family that you are back together. If he couldn't invite you to a funeral of his Aunt given their closeness, he certainly CAN'T get ENGAGED to you and GET MARRIED. He is being lead by guilt that perhaps they either won't understand or won't accept his decision concerning you.
I suggest that you evaluate your relationship during the first two years, including what caused the breakup. Consider the months you were split and all that brought you back together. Now think about the time since and all of the stress and bad times, it could have caused him lots of mental anguish on top of everything. Now he is dealing with all of the hardships and sorrow. He could loose you also. I don't think he knows what to do. He again may not be ready for marriage. There are so many reasons for his reactions.
You have to try standing strong enough, like a Tree Planted in the Ground without a good root system it's not strong at all. Without the ability to BEND all of the limbs would break and fall to the ground. The Tree Would DIE. You must let him get his mind together and let him figure out where you stand in his life. If he can't choose to tell his family in time and let them know he is with you and STANDS WITH YOU, both of you BENDING to meet the needs of one another, then you should let him go.
I Pray that your lives will mean as much tomorrow as they once did in yesterday
And that the future is much brighter with all the sorrows gone away
May you each meet your needs and your lives be filled with love
That his family finds you An Angel that was sent from Heaven above
Someone to care for and love their dearest son
Giving you both the blessings as you make a decison to follow thru
To be his friend if this is what comes
IT'S NEVER EASY.........LETTING GO
But sometimes we have to so we can be spared more pain and eventually find our right place in the lives of others.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
A
female
reader, confusedgf1973 +, writes (26 December 2008):
confusedgf1973 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all!
To answer some of your questions.
We have had some tough times. We lived together for 2 years and broke up last January 08. We got back together June 25 08. So, we have only been back together for 6 mos. Most of our issues is my ex husband turning my kids on him and I. Then just recently, beginning of December, his aunt, who is like his mother, just passed away. Because we got back together, he has not told his parents we are back together, so I could not go to the funeral, was not the right time to find out about me. I just asked him on Christmas Eve, if he was ever going to tell his parents and he said probably not. With his aunt passing, I was hurt, and he has leaned on me for the most part. I was there for him and even though he says he is ok, I know he is not. Sometimes I wonder if his behavior was me and bad timing, or it was that he is still not over her death. But, the thing is, he will not talk to me much. He will sit there and say nothing. Maybe I need to move on regardless.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 December 2008):
There is a case that he is just being masculine and not talking about his feelings and being scared of commitment etc etc etc.
But you have to reach a point where you tell him to get some balls and talk about things or he is going to lose you.
I think this is that point.
Tell him that you are not going to sit quietly and wait forever. Tell him you are off to take up some of the other offers that are available and that if he ever grows a back bone enough to tell you he wants you then he can get in touch.
It's his loss here. You just have to take the chance that he might realise that once you are gone.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (26 December 2008):
Men don't like being rushed. It scares them even if they know for sure what they want. After 4 years you would think it's been time enough that he SHOULD know but still it's maybe TOO SOON for him! Confusing, huh?
You need to back off and stop callng. He has become cold and distant because he ovbiously isn't or at least doesn't think he's ready for a majoy committment like Marriage. Alot of guys really run from the thought of being TIED DOWN. They often view it as loosing their freedom. Whilst dating the scene is a bit different and tends to gve them more freedom. Marriage is often viewed as the Ole BALL AND CHAIN and the mere mention of it can make them get lost in a hurry.
This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love or care about you but you can be sure now he is rethinking everything from his feelings down to very idea of calling it quits. Do remember that it doesn't always mean he will though. He is in feeling less pressured by not having to deal with the situation. Your first mistake was letting him know it was what YOU wanted. Generally we women just aren't supposed to bring that subject up, leaving it to the sole discretion of the man. We often get very attached to our guys and we give our love quickly. It's when our hearts are so open and full of love we OPEN our MOUTHS and say I LOVE YOU first, or mention marriage.......ffwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooo! Which way did he go?*LOL*
For now it's best to give him time to think about your relationship. If he loves you too it will be hard to just dismiss the idea or plainly walk away. Give him some space and leave the contact to him. When you stop calling he will begin to realize that something is amiss. If he loves you, chances are he won't relish he idea of someone else stealing you away. He is bound to call.
In case he can't accept the full emotions of your feelings he may choose to move on. Sadly enough it does happen but if so you will be better off. After all hon 4 years is a long time to be with one person in a committed relationship to have the walk away. Especially to have them stop talking just because you let them know you would want to be married to them. Maybe he will think things thru and view your relationship as something worth keeping. Maybe he loves you enough to work things thru. If you both love one another then it;s hopeful that you can work it all out. Even if y ou have to wait on the prospect of marriage. Just don't wait too long because the truth is HE may never be ready for Marriage at all.
If you wait to let him contact you it WILL have him guessing. Be nice if you see him, talk if he calls just don't go overboard. Lean back abit and let him come to you. In a healthy relationship you CAN'T do all of the giving and you need communication on both ends to make it work.
Is he silently pushing you away? Perhaps! Yet he still may love you and has gotten a bit of the COLD FEET, so hold on for a bit and see if he can come to his senses. TRUE LOVE can accomplish most anything. PRAYER can help GUIDE LOVE to the place it should be. Seek GOD'S WILL.
I would love to hear one day that you are Married to a wonderfully loving man. Let your heart be eased to know that if he isn't the one, that GOD has interviened and sent you your SOUL MATE.
God Bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, hibiscus  +, writes (26 December 2008):
Hi,
is there anyone else close to you that knows the situation (maybe a friend)?
I don't what to say that he is pushing you away as you did mention that your communication is not the best. There could be another underlying issue. Does he have any medical issues? Sometimes people in relationships shutdown about the future if they know something is medically wrong. I am not trying to alarm you. I am just trying to give you different scenarios.
On the other hand, I would not put my eggs in one basket. You deserve a solid relationship.
best wishes
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