A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year and a half has, in the past, said multiple times that my friends are wh*res, n*ggers, and handfuls of other derogatory names because of some threat that they pose to him. I am not friends with bad people, I am not friends with disrespectful people; in fact, I have always prided myself on befriending good-hearted, kind, well-mannered people - I have never cared about race or upbringing. Knowing this, my friends have slowly disengaged themselves from my Life and from anything to do with my boyfriend because they do not want to cause problems for me. While on the phone with a girlfriend of mine, she heard my boyfriend say blatantly loudly enough hoping she would hear, that so-and-so is an "uneducated worthless n*gger" (although graduated from West Point and has a wonderful job and amazing wife) and took that as their signal to back off from maintaining a close friendship with me. This also goes for my girlfriends, who have heard him say that he thinks they are all wh*res, and will never have boyfriends who really love them (although a majority are kindergarten teachers and wonderful women). He tells me that the reason the male friends have backed off is because they liked me only to "f*ck my p*ssy" and did not care about who I am as a person. He tells me that I must be lying to him and must have "f*cked all of them like a wh*re" because if they were really my friends then they wouldn't have a problem speaking to me even though they know that he says those things about them.He tells me that my girlfriends have backed off because they were never really girlfriends in the first place. ...this is even after I explained to him that it is highly disrespectful to me and to my ability to have healthy, platonic relationships with people for him to say things about people who I care about.My instinct tells me otherwise, as I have maintained very close relationships with people in the past and my friends consider me a very trustworthy, reliable woman. I am so confused because I am receiving these messages from my boyfriend, whom I love deeply...but I am having a difficult time distinguishing the boundaries of what is respectful versus disrespectful in terms of respecting the relationships that your significant other has with PEOPLE. *and on a side note, he said this past weekend that it is good that people not to speak with me because it is better that way - yet when I confronted him about it, he said that he was joking...and later broke two glasses on our kitchen floor. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2009):
 Why are you still with this ASSHAT?
I would NEVER in a million years allow a boyfriend to talk SMACK like that about MY friends, are you kidding?
If anyone is worthless in all of this it is your boyfriend. WOW what a shallow, ignorant, racist son of a biscuit.
He isn't respecting you either. What he is doing is trying to control you and who you surround yourself with.
You say you pride yourself in the friends you have, but what about your BOYfriend?
A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (13 July 2009):
 your bf is not a good character at all.
i know u love him but can u live the whole of your life without having decent friends just becoz ur bf is jealous, yes i said jealous , of these people's success?
he isnt worth it, either put him straight or kick him out!
u deserve better, and trust me good friends are hard to come by!!
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (13 July 2009):
 You need to get rid of this abusive relationship. Even if he never has hit you, he is being emoitional abusive not only to you but also your friends..
The most likely reason your friends are backing away is not to not cause any problems nor is it because they only wanted to have sex with you like you boyfriend is saying.. and your girlfriends probably feel that you were never their friend because you continue to let him act the way he does towards them. They are backing out of your life because you are letting your boyfriend say those things about that he has been calling them.
You need to flee this relationship because this is not going to end in a good place for you.. He has already started to alienate you from your friends and if he has yet to hit you, he will eventually hit you after you have no outlets to go to except for him.
This man does NOT love you.. He only loves the control he has over you. Definitely leave and quit this relationship.. And you OWE all your friends a big apology not for the way he acted towards them, but for the way you have let him act towards them and the fact that you stood by him while he was doing it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 July 2009):
 Your boyfriend is one of the biggest idiots going. I don't understand how you're cool with him disrespecting your friends so blatantly. Using racial and sexual slurs is never acceptable and speaks of a deep seated ignorance and hatred.
Your friends are not only backing off to prevent problems, they are also backing off because they don't want to associate with you if you're okay with the things he's saying. They respect themselves too much for that.
Meanwhile, it sounds like your boyfriend is at the least verbally abusive. He's trying to isolate you from all your friends so that he can control you. He's trying to lower your self esteem so that he can control you. That's not love.
Trust your instincts and get away from this relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 July 2009):
 You say you pride yourself on befriending good people who would never be disrespectful - well maybe you should pride yourself on choosing boyfriends who are well-mannered and respectful, because this boyfriend certainly is not!
If this man loves you then he should want to make an effort with the people you care about in your life i.e. your friends. He should want them to like him, so that they say "oh you have such a wonderful boyfriend". The people you care about should be people he cares about too, that is what being in a relationship is all about.
This guy is clearly trying to drive people away from you because he wants you all to himself - classic behaviour of an overly controlling partner. I dont know how you can stand to let him speak to you like that, saying that you have f*cked them like a wh*re! He is not only being incredibly rude about your friends, he is calling his girlfriend of a year and a half who he supposedly loves a whore!
If I were you I would have left that sorry excuse for a man a long time ago! If you dont leave soon then you will have no friends left to support you when he does finally do something awful (which is inevitable, he is showing signs of controlling behaviour and aggression (the smashing of the glasses). Do you really want to be with a man who is aggressive, rude, foul-mouthed and controlling? That would hardly be in the list of characteristics of your ideal man now would it?!
Friends will be around forever, they will be there for you no matter what happens in your life. Relationships dont often last forever and you need friends in your life, you cannot rely on one man for everything and this is the way your relationship is heading.
Love is not a good enough reason to stay with someone, there needs to be much more. And you are not recieving the love and respect you deserve, I honestly believe that this relationship will only get worse and you should get out now!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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