A
female
age
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*etterdays2come
writes:hiI am in a relationship, with someone i met around 9 months ago.he moved to my area when he was made redundant and got a good job in the catering industry. (i let him stay at my house, until he was back on his feet but because of my last relationship i am very wary of anyone living with me again).he stays at my house some evenings and on his day off, but we don't go out very often due to his work. ie i work 9-5 mon/fri and he works weekends and evenings.Before i met him i had a very nasty break up from a relationship of almost 7 years and i lost alot of money and financial independence and still hate my ex. that was 2 years ago.I suffer from chronic facial pain which is worst when i am stressed and am waiting to go into hospital for an operation to correct a rectal prolapse. (from child birth nearly 20 years ago) I am struggling financially to make ends meet and haven't had a holiday in 3 years.My new partner and i do have sex but i don't think it is as often as he would like. ie in the past week - once.Sometimes when we go to bed he often just turns away from me and stays like that all night.This morning at around 5am he got up and packed his overnight bag and went back to his place.He later texted me saying something was wrong and he wasnt happy. He would talk to me tomorrow evening (not on the phone).To be honest, I enjoy sex but i have lost my sex drive lately and when he packs up and just goes doesn't do much for my confidence.I am thinking, is it all worth it...he says he loves me, but when he just walks out and then "books" a chat with me at a later time,it really knocks me.I also am lonely because of his working hours. I sometimes feel I would be better on my own. He isn't a social type of person and I do like socialising and having friends.I feel really down at the moment as my face has been sore and i have put on alot of weight. I wish he wouldn't just leave..It isn't the first time he has done it. He is never nasty to me and is quite gentle and loving and i don't want to just end it because i am depressed or mentally ill.
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reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (14 July 2009):
Hi there,I can understand how you feel hesitant about someone new living with you after your previous relationship and I wonder if that's because you want to really take your time and get to know a person beforehand so that you are not rushing into things and risking going through the same experience. This type of caution pays off in the end. It might be wise to work out whether you want this new relationship to work or not. If you do, ask him how he feels about the amount of sex you two have. Also how you have noticed that some nights he turns away and stays like that all night and you were wondering if anything is wrong.When the time comes for his talk with you, listen to what he says without arguing or disagreeing. Then take that information away and process what he has said. Keep this conversation purely for what he wants to share and not bring up any issues you have at this time. It is best to address your concerns a completely separate time. Shortly after, about a week or so, ask him for some time for you to discuss some things that have been on your mind. If you two are that way inclined, you could burn some candles, put on some soft music and speak in a gentle tone. Tell him that you just need him to listen. What can sometimes happen is that you may both feel like being sexual as it is this type of sharing that resparks the attraction for each other. More times than not, just being heard can make the world of difference and the listening partner really doesn't have to do anything but listen. I would make sure you include how you feel about him walking out, how you feel rejected and that it doesn't do much for your confidence. Giving him several compliments within this conversation is always good, specifics about the things you truly love about him. You could begin by saying that you find him such a gentle person and you love how he is never nasty to you, then tell him about the issues you have and end with a few more compliments. Do you know why you have lost your sex drive lately? working this out my be helpful. Good relationships are worth it, and you deserve a good relationship too, yet it can be hard work. Often at times such as this, it can either break or make a couple and if it doesn't break you it can take your relationship to deeper levels which will make the effort all worth it. With depression, it is easy to give up, yet if you attempt to solve one of your problems and experience success, the depression can lift. Being lonely could be a sign that you need to get other interests and activities in your life away from your partner. Ending the relationship is not the solution to your loneliness. I understand you are struggling financially at present yet there are many low cost activities that are enjoyable even if it's catching up with relatives and friends you haven't seen for a while, or doing something small but nice for someone you care for, this always helps with depression. Just because your partner is not a social person doesn't mean that you can't be. Going out without him yet always asking him to join you is beneficial. You never know, he may just take you up on your offer to join you one time.Have you considered Valarium a natural anti-depressant for your depression. This may assist with your sore face and depression as it has a calming effect. With your weight, there's no better remedy than buying yourself an outfit that flatters your body shape, accepting the size that you are is the key. I don't know if you have pay TV where you are, as there is a show called "what not to wear" and it explains the best type of clothes for all shapes and sizes. If cost is a problem, a new lipstick or even a layby.(layaway) You say you are feeling really down at the moment, there is no better treatment than Woman power, to go out with a group of girls and have a good night is so powerful, Women just know how to support one another and there is such strength in this. It gets your mind off things and really uplifts your mood. If you are short of friends at the moment, some type of Woman's group is worth the effort. Slowly attempting to direct your life to what you want to do and aiming toward being the person you want to be with or without your boyfriend is the road to building good self esteem. Everytime you put in the effort, you will start feeling better. I'm not sure if your previous relationship impacts you today yet I have a feeling it does, I would get a couple of counselling sessions to move you through it. This too could be impacting your current partner. You are so worth it and it is only you who can make yourself feel better. The effort is invaluable. I don't think ending it with your partner is the right solution, especially due to how you wrote that he is not nasty, yet he is gentle and loving. Can you speak to him about how you are feeling, that you are suffering some depression and that you need his support at the moment until you can get on top of it. If he seems to be supportive then you could say that when he walks out it doesn't help.I'm not sure whether labelling yourself as mentally ill is useful. You are you, a beautiful human being who has been ill treated in a past relationship and is suffering some depression as a result, nothing that can't be fixed. I hope this helps. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Your friend +, writes (14 July 2009):
 Whatever makes you think you are mentally ill? You sound like a person who like all of us want to be with that person who truly loves and cares for us. In your case you should just let him go as you really do need someone who will be more of a regular partner, someone who is available each night to talk about the day, help cook the meals and hold your hand while watching tv, someone who can't wait to touch you, kiss you say wonderful things to you, I'm sure then your sex drive would perform normally. I know he is not nasty to you but that is not a reason to stay with him and yes I know it is hard to start looking for another partner but you deserve a better life. Socialize with your friends as much as possible, that will help to lift your spirits and let them know you are 'on the lookout' they may come up with something that will surprise you, you can use them as your support base while getting yourself back together. When I read your words I could see the face of a wonderful person who although unhappy and sad will soon be renewed and well again. And by the way, you are feeling down possible depressed....but you do not have a mental disease.
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