A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance, this is going to be quite a read, but to fully understand the situation I feel as though I need to include all of this. Ok, it starts out about 2 years ago. I was working at a restaurant waiting tables and we got a new employee, I immediately was drawn to him and we became friends very quickly and he even stayed at my house a couple weeks after he was kicked out of the place he was staying. In this couple weeks we grew even closer and spent almost every waking minute together, at home and work. Right when I thought things were going well they changed, he became involved with another girl that we worked with and eventually they were in a relationship. I was hurt but, as his friend, I was happy for him. He moved out of my house but we still remained friends, hung out regularly and consoled each other during some hard times in life. After about a year and a half his relationship started turning rocky, and at this time more than ever he was asking me for advice. I was more than happy to give him advice and genuinely tried to help. He kept telling me that it seemed hopeless and there was no saving things, at this point we were back to talking every single day and spending a lot more time together. He began suggesting that if things couldn't be fixed that we should think about becoming more than friends, I was hesitant at first but in the back of my mind I knew I would have done anything to be a bigger part of his life than a friend. Eventually the inevitable happened and they went their separate ways at which point he then asked me more seriously about taking our friendship to another level and I agreed. We sat down together a couple days later and he explained to me that this would be a sex only relationship, that he needed time but after enough time passed he really did want to pursue a relationship with me. He said that he had always been fond of me in a way and thought we would make a great couple. It was strictly a friends with benefits relationship in the beginning, and I was more than patient with him as he got over his ex. At first it was sex only, we'd hang out as much as possible but kept things simple. After a few months things began changing, he stopped talking about his failed relationship and began spending more time with me, and things became more intimate, more random kisses (he always commented that he was self-conscious about the way he kissed and never felt comfortable with it, but at this time we were kissing a lot more, even outside the bedroom) he even started introducing me to his friends and family, bringing me around them more and more often. When we were alone we opened up to each other and discussed the possibility of having an actual relationship. Now, at this time he had gotten into some legal trouble and was going to have to serve a 90 sentence in jail, so he wanted to wait until afterwards to make things official. We spent a night in a hotel room (this was just about a week or two ago so we're getting to the more recent events) and it was an amazing night, it wasn't just sex, we spent a lot of time talking and holding each other, played a lot of music (we both are very musically inclined so it felt like a great bonding experience, he even dedicated a song to me and it felt like a very special moment) and after the night was over it seemed like everything became real. We both were caught up in our own separate lives with the holidays so we didn't talk much after that night but I didn't think things had changed between us so on New Year's Eve I got a hold of him to ask him what his plans were hoping to spend the evening with him but he told me he was going to be working. Shortly after I logged onto Facebook and saw that he had put up a post, it basically stated that he was lonely and looking for a woman. I was shocked and hurt but I didn't ask him about it, the next day he put another post on Facebook saying something to the same effect, and after seeing that I stopped texting him all together. I was convinced he no longer wanted to see me and was just too cowardly to say it to my face. I avoided talking to him up until last night when he stopped by to see me and said that he would really like to hang out with me more later. Now, after all this my real question is pretty much why? Obviously something happened between us, and I know he felt something for me. Is he scared of what he felt? Did he change his mind about being with me? Why would he say what he said on Facebook? I thank everyone in advance for your advice and for taking the time to read this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This man is using you, plain and simple. I'm surprised you let this person in your house to begin with. A complete stranger. Even if he is your coworker. It's best if you put him out of your way. Forget him. And since you work with him treat him as such. Coworkers are coworkers after all, not friends.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 I don't think he's scared, and I don't think he changed his mind. He just wasn't terribly taken with you to begin with, and most of all did not see you as steady gf material to begin with. That does not mean he did not like you, he DID like you, just not in a future oriented way ,only in a here and now way.
First, hinting that you and him could start something together " if he could not fix things " with his current R/ship, how nice and flattering, did anybody hear screaming " Plan B! Plan B ! Rebound ! Rebound ! ".
Then, offering an only sex relationship " for now " and danging the carrot of a future committment , who knows when, when he was going to feel ready. Yeah .
Only, when he felt ready... he felt ready for someone else, totally new.
That may have come as a total shock to you, for lack of experience, but trust me, the writing was on the wall.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 I think you really need to have a sit down talk with this guy, nobody here can give you the reason that he cut contact with you I'm afraid as he is the only one that can explain his thought process.
It's possible that he could've just been feeding you a line all this time to just get you into bed without the emotional attachment. Some people can be passionate during lovemaking and how they act around somebody, but still not particulary want to be in a relationship with them.
The main thing to look out for here are ACTIONS, not words. Somebody can say absolutely anything to another person to give them hope or belief or whatever.
I know he said he needed time and whatnot, but if he's being honest about how amazing you are and how much of a great couple you'd make, why didn't he make it so sooner? He knows where you are, you hung out and spoke daily, so what excuse does he have for not acting upon wanting a relationship with you?
Those are just a few of my theories anyways, I think you need to ask this guy directly what the deal is for your answer.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (5 January 2013):
 Hello,
To be honest with you I think he was using you for sex. I can only imagine the pain and how hurt you are right now. I understand you felt a very strong connection with him but please don't have anything to do with him. Even if he wants to hang out. He clearly doesn't care for you and was just using you the entire time. Someone who cares about you wouldn't ask for a friends with benefit. That is just using a friend for sex.
In my experience if any guy would ask for a friends with benefits then that means they are not interested in a relationship, they are using you, and they clearly don't care about you. These are the guys that you run away from without looking back.
Also you said he was kicked out of his previous home and had to serve 90 days in jail. Is this the kind of person you really want in your life? He sounds horrible! I would be very nervous to hang out with someone who went to jail let alone want to be in a relationship with!
Please drop the contact and get him out of your life! You deserve better! Never be friends with benefits again...you are worth more then that! IF the guy is healing from a break-up then leave him alone until he gets over it...otherwise you will just end up as a re-bound.
Good Luck!
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