A
female
age
30-35,
*hereisthelove94
writes:So, my boyfriend of two years and I have recently broke up. It's been a rocky relationship for quite a while but we love(d) each other very much and were one day planning to marry and have kids etc. We could not be without each other.Since we've broken up we have still called and text each other every day, and since I have been back in my home town (I live away for university) even though we are broken up we have seen each other several times (some hook ups and some not)and every time he tells me he still loves me and misses me like crazy.Long story short, I found out recently that while he has been sleeping with me he has also been sleeping with someone else, a girl who he has spent a lot of time with and has a good friendship with. I found out via his mother (he denied everything) and it broke my heart. He told me that it meant nothing and that he regrets it and wants to be back with me as he isn't right without me. He cried and bawled in front of me and he was very upset about it. Me being the forgiving person I am, I was going to take him back and we were going to try and make it work. He came around to see me one night claiming that he was feeling very ill and it was a struggle to get out of bed to come and see me but that's how much he 'cared' (turns out he actually spent the whole day with this girl). Anyway, the day after we arranged to start patching things up again, I see him in town with the girl he has been seeing and sleeping with, holding hands with her, ignoring my texts and calls. She saw me and so did he, and when i walked out of the store they were in, he didn't come after me. The night before this he had told me that when we get back together he would get rid of her and never even speak to her again. Then this? I confronted them both there and then and she didnt have a clue what was going on either. She asked me if me and him were together and when i told her no but that he wanted to be with me, she walked off upset, and he ran after HER. He came back two minutes later trying to tell me that he was trying to 'let her down easily' and that i had upset her. I upset HER? What about ME? How does he think i feel seeing them holding hands and flirting with each other when we're supposed to be getting back together. He asked if he had blown it for me and him and when i told him yes, he walked off. That night i received a call from him and he passed the phone to her (yes, they were together) and she asked me what was going on between me and him. I spared her no details telling her that he had been sleeping with me and telling me that he loved me and that she didnt mean anything to him (i can hear him at this point in the background telling her that it's all lies, when it isnt). He just stood there, knowing the truth and told her that i'm lying about what i'm saying. She said "while we're all on the phone together why don't we ask him who he wants to be with?" so i agreed, and he said her name. When the phone was passed back to him, no sorry's, no nothing, he just said lets go our separate ways and we just said bye and we haven't spoken since. It's only been 3 days but we have never gone this long without contact in 2 years. This is the guy who was around my house not 24 hours before crying and telling me that life isnt the same without me and that we should be together forever.My question is, how is it that one day he's telling me that he loves me, that he misses me so much, that me and him are a couple for life, that he wants to be back with me more than anything in the world, and that he would get rid of her and then the next day he chooses to be with HER instead of ME? Is he rebounding off her to get over me? They are completely opposite people - he told me she wasn't his type and that he couldn't trust her and she gets around. Does this sound like he's just rebounding? I don't want him back because he has hurt me so much, but I'm just curious as to what to expect them to turn out like. I know they wont work in the long run, but I just cant understand why he chose her over me if he knew it wouldn't work. Was he just too proud to say my name? Did he know that i wouldn't take him back anyway and choose her because of this? Does he just want to prove to me that he can move on? It was so soon after the relationship that they were sleeping together and i have doubts that he may have even cheated - although he claims he could never do that as he knows what it's like to be cheated on and his dad cheated on his mum leading to the break up of his entire family. I do think he has some feelings for her, but i think it's only because she is new and exciting and she's giving him a lot of attention. I know he loved me so so much and neither of us saw this coming. I can't understand how he can want to get back with me one day and the next chose her. If i had not seen them both together he would not have said anything and we would probably still be getting back together. I'm glad I did see them though as now I know how much I must really 'mean to him'. I'm not sure what his ultimate intention was, but people don't just change their mind overnight right? Can anyone work out what's going on? Anyone know what's going through his mind?Thanks xx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 I think he was never planning to choose unless forced, if possible he wanted to keep his cake and eat it too. When he got busted, - he went with the new toy, just because it's newer and more exciting. I think that he wanted both the stability he had with you AND the new thrills he has with her, but, when forced to choose, thrills with no stability sound more enticing than the opposite, of course. Also because he may have talked about a future, kids together, etc, but he was just daydreaming, or running his mouth emptily, or telling what you wanted to hear, he did not mean it and he did not really see a future with you.
That, because frankly I doubt that he loved you so so much. One that loves so so much does not go around cheating and having a parallel love life and seeking new thrills. One who loves so so much, is content, happy in fact , with the way things are , does not need to bring in new people to make them better.
So you must have overrated the depth of his feelings, it turns out they were pretty superficial. You are right, people do not just change their mind overnight. They generally don't go to bed crazily in love with A to wake up crazily in love with B. So, I guess for him it sizzled than fizzled aand you missed the signs, or he was very careful to cover his tracks. I am not saying that he did not like you or did not want you at all- it's just at some point he found he did not get out of you all the " fun " and adrenaline he is still looking for.
It's quite a common story, although I realize it's weird and painful for you. But, it happens quite often.
If I were you, I'd try to shed no tears about this loss, because actually it's not a loss but a gain. This guy sounds just awful, devious, deceptive, coward, selfish, and uncommitted. This accident saved you from making the wrong decision and wasting more years with someone that neither deserves nor appreciates your love.
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