A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaa
writes:Hi, this could be a long question so bare with me. Ive written about this previously. I had a 'thing' with my boss who is now my ex boss.I knew him before I worked there. Its very personal as to how we met earlier on this year i was attacked quite traumatically (I won't got into detail for obvious reasons) during the attack there were two men who tried to help he was one of them. For quite a few months I had no idea who he was, I sent the other guy a card thanking him for saving my life but felt bad for him because I'd completely forgotten about him. When everything had come out and the defendant had pleaded guilty the police put it on Facebook, me and my mum were reading the comments and noticed that some people had shared it also. We looked at the people and realised that he was the other guy who had saved my life. Me and my mum both sent him a message saying how greatful we were for his help. He messaged me back with loads of paragraphs added me on Facebook and everything. My current boyfriend was not too happy about this and I deleted him, although I didn't agree with deleting him because i felt like it did not show my appreciation for what he had done. After me and my boyfriend had ended I added him back on Facebook and explained everything to him, because i was in shatters about the break up he was constantly saying how lucky my ex boyfriend was he couldn't understand how he could finish with me..the usual. A couple of months down the line he used to talk to me every now and again and I could tell it was more than just a friend thing he had for me. Then he posted an advert for a job at a call center which be owned I messaged him saying i was interested and I got an interview. I went to the interview with no CV and a few days later they phoned me and said in had a job.I then started this job, it took me a while to get used to it as it was an outbound call center and it was not an easy job at all. I gradually got better at it. Not long into the job i was told by another member of staff that the boss fancied me I said that o already knew as he'd been sending me flirty texts etc. She persuaded me to let him take me out and I agreed although he is 30 and im 19 so there was a bit of an age gap and i thought no way could I go out with him he is way too old for me. There was also another guy that fancied me there and he was 23 I thought he was more my age so I thought in order to find out who I like most I need to spend some time with both of them which is what I planned on doing. Neither of them were keen on this idea, they were both friends and it turned out the 23 year old was pretty jealous of the other and tried to mess everything up for him so I decided I didn't like him after all. The older one was pretty jealous at the fact that I'd considered getting to know him. I started spending quite a lot of time with my boss going on dates going his house after work and I weirdly started to fall for him and never thought I would. It was a weird little thing we had going on. Then I noticed a change in his behaviour towards me, he seemed less interested as if he no longer needed to make the effort he used to which annoyed me a little. As he always used to be protective over me if anyone said one thing wrong to me he would have stepped in but he stopped doing that. I didn't know what had happened but I tried to pretend that I didn't care.One night I went back to his house and him and his friend were messing around with my phone and his friend sent my ex a message pretending to be me, which ended up in me arguing with my ex. My boss got jealous over this and started saying how I wouldnt like it of he did that, so I just said learn to control your friends in future then! Anyway after being at this job for a month I ended up getting sacked, not for anything bad I just wasn't suitbale for the job, having to constantly argue with people over the phone was just not my thing and they also said I was too nice you had to be a horrible person to do that job and I'm not I'm too quiet and shy. It wasnt my boss that sacked me it was the team leader, apparently my boss tried to fight my corner but it didn't work. I got pretty upset after I'd left and my boss text me telling me not to be too upset and he hoped I was okay. A few weeks later and we are still in contact but its werid. I did fall for him strangely and I do like him but the contact is not like it used to be and the effort isn't there. So after a while I just thought I'd leave it at that, I'm not a person to chase something if it doesn't want me so I left it. Last weekend I was out in town with my best friend having a great time and he mesaaged me asking how I was I replied and we had a bit of a conversation then he didn't reply to one of my messages so once again I left it. After a week of no contact he has gotten in touch again and we spoke a little went into detail about relationships and he told me after being hurt three times he's scared to get attached again I told him I felt the same as I've been hurt a few times too. Once again he hasn't replied and has jusf ignored me. What is going on here? Is he really too scared to get attached or is that just an excuse? Is he playing games? Should I just ignore him altogether? What is going through his head? I have no idea. P.s sorry for ramballing I felt like you needed to know all of the details in order to understand everything.
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best friend, facebook, flirt, jealous, my boss, my ex, shy, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 September 2014):
I’m not sure of the purpose of this question. What is it you need to know? Is he telling the truth? It seems plausible enough that if he’s been hurt in the past he would fear getting attached again. There’s no proof he’s lying or playing games, but surely the point is that regardless of whether he is or not, he’s not ready for a relationship and neither are you. It sounds like you both care for each other but nothing is going to come of it. If you really want to change that, you’d have to take the plunge and tell him what you wanted and ask him if he would want the same.
I wish you all the very best.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 Wow, what a prediciment could there be a more complicated life anywhere (he asked rhetoricly). what I can sumize is that he may not want you to feel you owe him something for his actions and that hisory might play a larger than life part in any arrangement. I don't think he's scared , I think he's being cautious so as not to cause hurt or ill feelings. Until you two talk out the event totally together it will be an elephant in the room. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): I'm going to be honest with you. I think he just takes care of you and protects you. I don't think he feels the same as he thought he did from the beginning. He is realizing that you are very young; and you should really be with guys closer to your own age. You don't display the maturity it takes to carry on a very serious and adult relationship. You need more time to grow out of your adolescence. The "thing" you had gave him a lot to reconsider. As a man and an older person, he processes things differently. He has an advantage on you.
He also realizes that he's your hero; and a lot of your feelings for him come from gratitude and a young girl's crush. When you had to stop to consider a choice between him and someone else; it sent him the message that he didn't come first. There should have been no competition.
It was wise on your part to stop and consider what was best for you, but that really wasn't your mindset or true intention at the time. You just couldn't make up your mind. That comes from youthful-indecision and the lack of experience.
This was what he may have picked up on. So he is slowly distancing himself, but not so quickly as to traumatize you. He recognizes the psychological-frailty brought on by your past attack; but he also realizes your girlish-innocence, and struggle to think and function beyond your age and level of experience. You call it being shy. It's not knowing what to do in certain complicated situations.
You're paralyzed by confusion and have very little life-experience to draw from. He gave you the chance to prove yourself. He gave you a chance to get tougher.
I highly doubt you will take my advice very well, but I have to give you something to think about. I think you might want me to say only things that make you feel good.
Not if I think your feelings and mental-health might be compromised in the process. As an older person, I'd rather offer you the benefit of my experience. You can do as you please all the same.
You are very very young; and have much to learn about life and relationships. It's better learning on a level playing field with your opponent. No one should have an unfair advantage. He would have too much of a task and responsibility of teaching you along the way. He needs a woman more experienced and has earned her own independence. Maybe a little older. You are going through your growing pains, and your post screams of it. The things you've taken on up to now, are premature for your age and development.
You have to also understand that as time passes, he is testing how you both relate to each other; and if you are really old enough to handle a romantic relationship with a 30 year-old man. Too much pressure from the demands of adulthood too early in your life, could easily damage you; even permanently scar you.
I may be giving him more credit than he deserves; but fate may be changing the course of events, and forming your destiny. Resetting your future to your benefit. Steering you toward something better for you. Sometimes no matter how hard we go against it; destiny or fate may change things regardless. Often to our greatest benefit and reward.
I think he is aware you're also undergoing a healing process that may take years. You are just not old enough yet to see this. You have to stay within the limitations of your understanding and emotional development. You may not comprehend that, but someone older than you would. You are probably a very sweet person, and I gather that from your writing. You are very emotional and sensitive as a human being. Smart beyond your years, but that has fooled you into thinking you can take on things out of your league.
Over-confidence can break your back.
At a very young age you experienced an attack; something that takes years to recover from. There was a serious interruption in the very midst of your mental growth and psychological-development. A drastic interference in your transition from a girl to a woman. Trauma caused by men! You may not fully understand the depth of the damage done just yet. He is a good man to have handled you so carefully thus far. Not with kit gloves, but not fumbling carelessly with your feelings. Introducing sex may not have been a good idea. Not for a girl who has experienced abuse and trauma most likely from a sexual-attack. I don't expect a 19 year-old to fully understand what I'm saying. Maybe someone else in a similar situation will benefit, if you don't.
Your very long and dramatic post explains you are far from ready to date older-men. What I'm telling you is not an insult or blunt criticism. It is needed advice; because you seem to be enjoying the drama too much. I think your ex-boss and male-friend sees what I see. You are a nice person, but not yet old enough to handle a romance or committed relationship with a man eleven years older.
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