A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, I'm 24 and he's 26. A couple of years ago I told him I'd like for us to live together, but he said he wasn't ready yet and he'd reconsider the following year. That came and went, and there was no change of heart, so a couple of months ago after agonizing over the situation I broke it all off thinking that he didn't want a future with me, or at least not the same future I wanted.In the weeks following this he begged me to take him back and explained that he did really want to live with me, he just wasn't comfortable with the idea until I had secured a job with a decent wage (at the moment I can afford to rent but it is admittedly a little tight). I accepted this and he said that he was going to start putting some money aside in preparation for when I graduate in 6 months and we can get a place. Since then he has been working tonnes of over time, so much that I hardly see him, but I don't mind since he says he is putting the extra money to one side for our future. However, when we are together and I talk about us moving in together, I notice he clams up. Statements like "I can't wait til we have our own space" are met with an eerie silence as he avoids my gaze and stares at his shoes. Is this a sign that he is really not all that into the idea of living together after all? I am fed up. Please help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 You've been dating long enough to have developed some kind of communication with him, presumably, so why not simply ask him?
"Babe, I notice when I talk about the future, about us living together, you stare fixedly at the floor and the silence is so loud it's eerie. Would you care to share with me what is going through your head when you start this avoidance behavior? I'd like to know so that I don't start imagining things that aren't true."
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Yes, all you mention may play a part in his reluctance, and I must say it sort of makes sense . I mean, look at it through his eyes : he is accostumed to a lavish lyfestile and he'll have to become more frugal and careful- more so if you don't get to earn as much as him and he will have to intervene where you don't arrive. He is used to be served and waited on and having done everything for him, .. and now all this will have to stop and he'll have to do his share, unless you want do everything for him as well ( I doubt it ).:His mom poorly tolerates being left alone, so she won't be jumping for joy when he moves out, in fact she'll sulk, pout and guilt trip him.
Too easy to say " spoiled brat, time to grow up " - well, maybe a bit, but regardless, he IS sacrifiyng quite a lot, to move in with you, - he'll probably do it anyway, for love, to make you happy, because he knows that's a big deal for you- but for him, do you also want him to be overjoy and extathic , with all the changes and hassle it will imply for him ? :)
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A
female
reader, armyofme +, writes (25 June 2012):
armyofme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, they have given me food for thought. I can see perhaps that this may be a bit of a waiting game whatever I suppose the outcome to be. In the mean time I think I'll try and hold back a little bit as BondGirl suggests, it's certainly true that as much as I want to live with him, I only want to so long as it is what he wants too. So_very_confused: I think it is highly unlikely that my boyfriend would agree to setting up a joint account, even beyond living together. Perhaps this is significant in itself, though something I'd not thought about before. I shall put it to him and see what he says. CindyCares: It is likely that the money issue is important to him, afterall where I am used to budgeting and getting by, he is accustomed to a much more lavish lifestyle and he may be worried about compromising that. However, my gut tells me that there's a bit more to it than that. He has never lived away from his parents before and gets very mollydoddled at home, with everything done for him, and has quite an overprotective mother who poorly tolerates being left alone, so I do wonder if that plays a part too. Even so, I can't help feeling that after all this time if he was really feeling the relationship he'd be as excited about the prospect as I am, or at least a bit more pleased and responsive. I guess time will tell.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2012):
 If he's putting money away for your future, you should offer to contribute to the same fund... therefore you need a joint account.
I would offer to do this and see what he says... if he says NO that he's not interested in a joint account that you are both contributing to for your future together, I'd be concerned that he's just stringing you along and really does NOT intend to live with you....
because to be honest I have a bad feeling about this...
yes he may be waiting for you to have a better job but if you can already make the rent payments and he's working overtime then the funds should be there to make this happen now especially since you have talked about this in years past.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 June 2012):
It may be simply a sign that he wants to be sure you have actually secured yourself a good steady job with a decent wage that will allow you to pull your weight when living together. No point making too detailed plans before that happens.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 June 2012):
 It is really frustrating to be excited about something and your partner doesn't seem to care. If he isn't sharing your sentiments about moving in together, I would be very leary about moving in with him. You do not want to move in together and get into a worse situation. I would consider holding off on living together until you find out whether that is really what he wants. He seems to be hot/cold over the idea. When he thought he had lost you, he was hot to get back together and move in. Now he seems to be avoiding the situation. I would ask him if this is something he really wants. I would be like you...I would not trust the signals coming from him.
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