A
female
age
51-59,
*ickster8511
writes:Hi could you please give me some advice?? I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and have been really happy. The problem is that recently he has put some old pictures on his pc. These pictures are from years ago of his kids growing up which is fine. He has also put on pics of his ex wife. Whilst I appreciate she is the mother of his kids-and she will be on family pics, I do not understand why he feels the need to put pics on of her and him cuddled up together, pics of them embraced in a kiss, and pics of her sunbathing topless. There are also pics of her in underwear and in the nude I found previously. I just get the feeling this is not over her, they have been divorced 5 years now, and she has moved the kids and her 150 miles away. She is totally controlling of him and he never challenges anything she does or says. I just feel 2nd best in his life. I challenged him when I found the naked pics previously and his answer was 'it's so I can tell the kids about the relationship and the reasons why we split'. I told him that it's ridiculous to keep them. Any thoughts/answers would be greatly appreciated as I am in bits because of all this.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, nude pictures, underwear Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): It is normal to keep pics of a previous marital partner. It is normal to reflect on one's past occasionally, which happens to in this case, include another woman. Naked pics on the other hand? "to explain" to the kids why they split? Bad sign. Doesn't add up.
What do you mean by "pics on his PC"? Screensavers? in a file? If it's in a file, that seems OK. a scrolling screensaver with pics of his ex is a bit too far.
I would tell him that you are OK with him having a past and accept him having pictures of her around...but put away, and NOT ones of nude or sexually suggestive nature. It isn't fair to you. If he refuses, you need to either accept it, or leave...at least until he is ready to commit to you. The way it sits, he is being disrespectful.
A
female
reader, Vickster8511 +, writes (9 December 2012):
Vickster8511 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the comments. He split because she wanted 'more' from life and she was messing around, and this was not the first time. The pics of her naked he says we're taken years ago as she lost over 7stones in weight and they were taken so she could see what she then looked like. They aren't of a sexual nature. He has only put the ones them them together over the past few weeks, the naked ones have been there as long as I have known him. She got re married around the same time as he put these pics on. He has scanned them from photos and saved them on pc and iPad. I can't understand why he feels the need to keep them on pc. I am always on pc and he doesn't try to hide anything but that really isn't the point. He was extremely upset one day last week after we watched a film and said it was because he misses the kids as only gets to see them every 6 weeks, but now I am thinking it is more cause of his ex has got remarried. Also the last time his son came who is 10, came to visit he drew a pic of a witch and said it was me. When I said it looked more like his mum my boyfriend told me off for saying nasty things about their mother. The kid also calls me mrs fatso, fatty and various other names. Am I just being too touchy and too deep or am I justified in the way I feel???
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Hi
Why did they divorce? And why after 5yrs put photos up, where did he get the ones of her naked or in her undies, did he download off a dodgy dating site or had he taken them years ago? I doubt she would be impressed he has them on PC.
Its sure doesn't sound like he's over her,somethings trigured this,especially as he never challenges her.I would ask him to put them all on a disk and store the lot away in a drawer.
You aren't 2nd best but I completely understand how you feel
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 You wrote ****I challenged him when I found the naked pics previously and his answer was 'it's so I can tell the kids about the relationship and the reasons why we split'.****
That is the WORST TRITE BS excuse I have EVER heard! His kids SURELY don't want to see naked photos of their mom, nor in her undies.. WTF?!
I would suggest he prints the photos out, put them in a box and STORE the box if those are memories he want to keep - but to keep them on his computer like that? It's a little sickening. Because it means he want to be able to look at them whenever he is at the computer.
Like you I don't mind family photos - my husband has a box with some from his first wedding, but NONE of his wife or ex GF in little or no clothes - actually I don't think there are any of them ALONE in a picture - just with the whole family or with the kids. They are part of his past, I recognize that but I would definitely draw the line at having them on the computer in the nude.
HE IS not over her.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 December 2012):
Alarm bells should be ringing here. You could reasonably assume that he had kept the photos as records of fond memories, if they were for example photos of them both on a holiday he enjoyed, or photos of them together at a family event. But some of these pictures do sound quite sexual. But also his excuse is very poor. How will showing a picture of their parents kissing, or their mother naked help the kids understand why they split as a couple? And as for telling them about the relationship, how many kids do you know that would want to see photos like that of their parents? Sadly it does seem he’s holding something back from you here. Perhaps there is another explanation and if you can get him to open up he might tell you. But the possibility that this is the case is slim, it’s far more likely that your gut instinct that he’s not over her is correct. Why won’t he delete the more sexual pictures? Of course you need to realise that he has a past and shared his life with this woman and that she will always be a big part of his life because they have children together, but it sounds like you do understand and accept that. It’s never easy being the second significant other, but if he won’t get rid of naked pictures or pictures of their intimacy it sounds like he’s desiring more than just a reminder I’m afraid.
I wish you all the very best.
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